Ain't That the Truth?

(Why is the government feeding our children drugs?)

Yesterday, I watched the game between the Yankees and the Orioles. New York beat them handily behind the bat of Aaron Judge. Aaron's been injured for a couple of months with a bum toe. It happened when he crashed through a gate while catching a fly ball against the Dodgers. He's currently the second best player in baseball. The top spot belongs to a Japanese guy named Shohei Ohtani. Shohei is the greatest player in the history of the game. He's that good.

Then it was time for the UFC. The main card featured a match between Dustin Poirier and Justin Gaethje. They were fighting for a fictitious championship belt labeled Bad Motherfucker. And trust me. Both these dudes are a couple of bad motherfuckers. Anyway, Gaethje kicked Dustin in the head at the beginning of the second round, and it was so powerful that folks could hear the thud a thousand miles away in Texas. Needless to say, the blow knocked the poor guy cold. He crumpled to the mat like a house of cards, and Justin punched him in the face one more time before the ref finally jumped between them. Good stuff.

At 11 p.m., I went to my room and viewed porno on the internet. My favorite video featured a big-booty Latina getting boned by a younger man. Sadly, I can't remember her name. Too bad. She's a real hottie. The storyline goes like this. She wrecks her husband's expensive car and fears that he will scold her. Luckily, her stepson agrees to take the blame if she promises to give him good sex. Well, you get the idea. It all ends with a sloppy cumshot upon her pretty face.

I finally dozed off at one a.m. and slept like the dead. Then I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. After that, I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Thousands of public-school teachers have flocked to Seoul to hold an angry demonstration. They're tired of being bullied by both the parents and the students. They claim that the abuse has turned so bad that many of them are contemplating suicide. Self-destruction is a huge issue here on the peninsula. Lots of people jump out of their apartment windows every year due to depression.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, "Did you take your medication today?"

She shook her head. "No. I forgot."

"That's not good. If you keep neglecting the doctor's orders, it will eventually kill you."

"I'll make sure to follow his directions in the future."

I changed the subject. "How's Ken doing?"

"He's high all the time."

"He's high all the time? What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means what I said. He bought a boatload of dope over in Colorado, and now he sits out on the patio and gets loaded morning, noon, and night."

"Who sold him the drugs?"

She sighed heavily. "The government. Grass is legal in Colorado."

I chuckled and frowned. "Isn't that a motherfucker? Big Brother is turning my kid into a fucking pothead. Will wonders never cease?"

"The world is certainly changing."

"Ain't that the fucking truth?"

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Divorcing an Evil Witch

(Life without the Dragon Lady has been sweet.)

Yesterday, I did my first load of laundry in the new washing machine. I thought it would be difficult because all of the instructions next to the buttons are in Korean. But Rice-Boy Larry helped me through the process, and everything went without a hitch. I even managed to remove the skid marks from my underwear by using the appropriate amount of bleach during the soak cycle. I was a proud man.

After that, I sat on the sofa in the living room and watched several episodes of Vikings. The experience was magnificent. Back when the Dragon Lady had reigned supreme, I had been forced to sit by my lonesome in the bedroom. But now the entire apartment is open for my enjoyment. It's wonderful being free.

Yet freedom comes with a price. I have lots more work to do. For instance, I had to clean both of the bathrooms. Here's my secret to cut down on the toil. I place a mixture of bleach and dishwashing liquid into a squirt bottle. Then I spray the the concoction all over the walls and toilets. After that, I wait for fifteen minutes to let the bleach do its job. Lastly, I hose everything down with the shower head.

In Korea, all of the restrooms have drains on the floor. So the water simply flows harmlessly away without hurting the the ceramic tiles.

But I wasn't finished because I had to cook supper for my boy. I threw some rice in a frying pan along with three eggs and loads of ham. I cooked the vittles for about twenty minutes before putting it on a plate. Then I carried the food to his room so that he could play his games while chomping on his dinner. I'm a real Betty Crocker.

Yet there was still more to do. I vacuumed the apartment to get the gunk off the floor. This took about thirty minutes. When I finished, it was time to wash the dishes. I put some pink rubber gloves on my hands and scrubbed like a maniac. Everything came out sparkling with cleanliness. 

I took the elevator outside and smoked a Marlboro Red. Upon my return, it was time to view baseball. The Yankees lost to the Orioles due to a ninth-inning walk-off homerun. It was extremely dramatic. I shouted the word fuck over and over again. I'm a huge fan of the Bronx Bombers. 

At eleven p.m., I walked to my room and watched porn. Most of the videos featured ebony beauties getting boned by white men. The females all had huge tits, and all the males possessed monster cocks. I had the time of my life.

I went to bed at one a.m. and slept like the dead. Then I woke up at eight a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. One of my former pastors sent me a text message. He wished to know the state of my mental health. You know. If my impending divorce was crushing my spirit. Stuff like that. I told him I was doing fine. And that's the truth. Divorce from that evil witch is a true blessing. I'm just praying that she never returns.

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Fecal Matter Redux

(I've always had a huge problem with skid marks.)

Yesterday, I took Rice-Boy Larry for dinner at 7 p.m. We went to a fried-chicken restaurant which is located right across the street from our apartment. That's the best thing about Korea. You don't need a car to get to where you want to go. Anyway, the bird came to eighteen dollars, and I also ordered a pitcher of beer in order to catch a buzz. Meanwhile, Larry drank a large can of Chilsung Cider to quench his thirst. Chilsung Cider is basically Seven-Up by just another name. It's an Asian knock-off.

We struck up a conversation while eating our meal.

I said, "I've been getting a lot of skid marks in my underwear lately. It's worrying me."

He said, "What's the problem?"

I shrugged. "I have no idea. I'm getting older, and my body simply isn't the same. Unfortunately, my asshole has broken with age. I have to wipe it five or six times a day to keep my skivvies from looking like used toilet paper."

He pointed at the pitcher of suds. "Maybe it's the beer."

I shook my head. "I don't think so. I haven't been imbibing much alcohol these days. In fact, this is my first drink in nearly a week." 

"Did you have the same issue when you were my age?"

I nodded. "My lack of proper hygiene has always caused me deep shame."

"Then maybe you were born with a defective cornhole. It could come down to genetics."

"Perhaps you're right. I just hope that I don't have cancer."

"I'm sure that you're fine. You shouldn't overreact."

I pointed my index finger at his chest and looked him in the eyes. "My father died of cancer when he was younger than me. The disease first attacked his pancreas before spreading through the rest of his body."

"That's not good."

"No, it isn't good. It's downright terrible."

I stepped outside for a cigarette. Like America, you are no longer allowed to smoke in restaurants here on the peninsula. I met a semi-attractive woman who was also enjoying a puff. She was a little bit younger than me and couldn't speak a word of English. The thought of sex briefly crossed my mind. But then I quickly let it go. I've decided to remain celibate until my death.

I went back inside and took my seat. "How would you feel if I found a new girlfriend?"

My boy let out a long sigh. "It would kill me."

"I don't blame you. And I completely understand. It wouldn't be easy to see your old man with a new partner."

"Thanks for your patience."

We got home at 9 p.m., and I went to my room and watched porno. Don't worry. My kid didn't hear a thing because I was using earphones. I viewed several videos featuring big-breasted MILFs getting boned by a young guy with a Chelsea tattoo on his forearm. I felt kind of guilty. I'm really too old for that childish type of stuff. Yet I'm officially celibate, so smut is all I have left.

I fell asleep at 11 p.m. and dreamt that the interest rates around the globe had been hiked to 20 percent. The world was in a panic, and people were screaming all types of obscenities at both presidents and kings. However, a chubby young man in glasses told everyone to relax. This guy also had a mustache and a well-groomed goatee. Everybody listened to him. 

Then I woke up at 8 a.m. to the sound of my doorbell. An old guy in his 60s brought me a new washing machine and refrigerator. I didn't have to pay for them. My employer had picked up the check.

You should have seen this geezer. He carted both of the appliances into my apartment and set them up in no time flat. Heavy lifting was involved, but he handled it like a champ. I was quite impressed. Korea is a no-tipping society, yet I felt compelled to give him thirty dollars for his effort. I wasn't going to let him walk away empty handed after such feats of strength.

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Hammer to Nail

I'm real busy today. Lots of i's to dot and t's to cross. Sadly, the work never ends for poor old Jack. But with that said, I came across this video which shows exactly what it's like to be married to the Dragon Lady. It stopped me right in my tracks because the similarities are so eerie. Anyway, have a great day and God bless.

I Love Netflix

(Netflix has given me countless hours of enjoyment.)

Today, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. An 18-year-old hottie named Jang Won-Young is a member of a popular K-pop group named Ive. She was walking down the street the other day when a little boy rushed toward her in order to touch the singer. But she shied away from the kid and looked at him as if he were a retard. This made many Korean moms angry. They are now on a popular message board calling the performer a snooty bitch.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger, but it was Ken who answered the phone.

I said, "Are you looking for a job yet?"

He nodded. "I'm on top of things. I sent out a ton of applications."

"Have you tried Waffle House?"

"Are you crazy? Why in God's name would I want to work there?"

"You can test it out for me. I need to find a gig where I can make a thousand bucks a week if I pull sixty hours."

He laughed out loud. "So let me get this straight. You plan on making $52,000 a year by slinging hash?"

"It's the tips, son. Hell, I might be able to earn more than that. Plus I won't have to declare most of my income to the taxman, which will enable me to qualify for food stamps and Medicaid."

"Wow. You're a real mover and shaker, aren't you?"

"I'm old, Ken. I need a job where I don't have to do much thinking. My brain simply isn't the same these days."

He suddenly changed the subject. "Granny says that you're smoking again."

I nodded. "That's right. But only about six or seven a day. I spend the rest of my time chomping on nicotine gum."

"Are you having stress because Mom left you...again?"

The sarcasm in his voice pissed me off a little. "It's different this time, son. She can't come back. My nerves are frail and on the verge of collapse. I'm actually beginning to wonder if I have PTSD. Sounds stupid, but I'm deadly serious."

"We shall see."

I knocked on Rice-Boy Larry's door. He was sleeping on his bed next to a huge fan. I shook his leg a few times in order to wake him from his slumber. His eyes snapped open, and he let out a huge yawn.

"What is it?"

"Mom canceled her subscription to Netflix, so you have to start a new account using my name and bank account."

Surprisingly, he didn't complain. He simply climbed out of bed and went to the computer room without saying a word. He got everything straightened out in less than twenty minutes. Larry is a real genius when it comes to that kind of stuff.

Netflix is a good deal over here on the peninsula. I paid for the standard package which costs about twelve dollars a month. The streaming company will automatically take the money from the bank on a monthly basis. Netflix might be the best deal in Korea.

I rode the elevator down to the first floor and smoked a Marlboro Red in front of the building. Then I walked across the street and bought six donuts for five dollars. I gave them to Larry as a show of respect. I'd be lost without that boy.

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The Pastor Paid Me a Visit

(My pastor looks like a movie star.)

Today, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Boy scouts from across the world are congregating to Korea for an international conference. And the government is pulling out all the stops to keep the kids entertained, including the promotion of several concerts featuring many popular K-pop acts. K-pop is pretty cool. The groups are primarily composed of scantily clad Asian beauties who gyrate on the stage as they lip-synch their hits. So what's not to like, right?

Back in high school, I used to make fun of the scouts. I thought they were a bunch of pussies. However, one day I was swimming in a lake and I suddenly came down with a severe bout of cramps. My life was in imminent danger, and I started making my peace with God. I began sinking to the bottom when I was suddenly rescued by an Eagle Scout. He grabbed me by my armpits and brought me to shore while doing the backstroke. I shit you not. If it weren't for him, this blog would never have come into being. I was that close to the abyss.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger, but it was Ken who picked up the phone.

I said, "Long time, no see."

"Yes, it's been a while. I just got back from Colorado yesterday."

"Did you have fun?"

"It was great. I climbed a mountain that was 14,000-feet high."

"Wow. That's amazing. I'm glad you're still alive."

"I'm not going to lie. It was challenging. But I made it to the top without quitting like a fairy. I feel proud of myself."

I nodded my approval. "That's great." There was a pregnant pause, and I cleared my throat. "Sadly, I have some bad news."

"What?"

"You gotta find a job as soon as possible. It's not Granny's duty to cover your nut. She has her own fish to fry."

He smiled at me. "I'm gonna start looking tomorrow."

"Good man."

I turned on Fox News and watched the town hall with Robert Kennedy Jr. I'm a huge fan of RFK. He's against the war in Ukraine. He detests crony capitalism and the power of the donor class. Plus he respects the importance of the American middle class. Unfortunately, he has zero chance of getting the nomination. Why? He's being completely ignored by the black and brown voters--which is a death sentence for democratic hopefuls. Don't believe me? Then go ask Bernie Sanders.

Suddenly, there was a knock on my door. It was my pastor stopping by for a visit. I made him a cup of Joe, and we shot the shit as we sat at the kitchen table.

He said, "Where's your wife?"

I frowned. "She ran away about five days ago."

"Ran away? That's not good."

"No, it isn't. Not good at all."

"Is she coming back?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm not sure. But I'm kinda hoping that she goes through with the divorce."

He took a sip of his beverage. "Why?"

"Because she hates my guts. Have you ever lived with someone who dislikes you?"

He shook his head from side to side. "No, I can't say that I have."

"Well, it's pure hell. So please don't encourage her to return to her husband. My nerves simply can't take anymore."

"Then what you're basically telling me is that you want me to keep my nose out of your business."

"Yes. But I'm saying it in a nice way. Trust me. You don't want to get in over your head on this one. It will only cause you grief."

He finished his coffee and left. Thankfully, he didn't seem too upset. In fact, he wore an expression of relief as he closed the door behind him.

My pastor is very handsome. He looks like a movie star. This has nothing to do with my story. I'm simply throwing it out there.

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A Day in the Life

(I went to the bank with Rice-Boy.)

Today, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A man in his 20s from Seoul got on the internet and told the whole world that he plans to kill twenty women with a knife. He even posted a picture of his favorite blade on the web. It comes as no surprise that this guy has been a perpetual loser with the ladies since his teenage years, and now he is overflowing with anger and bitterness. I also had no luck with females back in the day. Yet I didn't hold it against them for refusing to go to bed with me. They obviously made the correct choice.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, "How's your blood pressure?"

She frowned. "Not good. It's been a little high for the last few days."

"That's because Sis is visiting. It'll return to normal when she goes home."

"That's bullshit. Your sister doesn't give me stress."

I shrugged. "Whenever she's at your place, you suddenly experience a huge spike. Sis is a drama machine."

"And what about you? Being your mother hasn't been the easiest thing in the world."

"It's not the same. When I visited last winter, I just let you be you. I didn't drag you around to the shops or force you to take me to all the Mexican restaurants on Main Street."

"She is very active. I'll give you that. Her motor never stops running."

I sighed heavily. "I don't know where she gets all that energy. Maybe I'm jealous. I can barely climb off the sofa."

Sis recently got a divorce. She was married for many years to a real scumbag with criminal tendencies. For instance, she once caught her husband trading sex for prescription drugs with one of the neighbor ladies. It was the woman's spouse who gave Sis the bad news. This happened a decade ago. Unfortunately, she let it slide because her kids were still young. So she waited until her youngest graduated from high school before escaping from the bum.

I walked into Larry's room. He was sound asleep, and I had to shake his leg a couple of times to wake him up.

He said, "What do you want?"

"We have to go to the bank."

"What for?"

"I need to download an app on the phone that will let me pay the bills."

We both got dressed and took a fifteen-minute bus ride to our destination. It costs roughly a dollar to use public transportation in Korea. It's not a ton of fun because the bus drivers are crazy. They often run red lights while blowing their horns. Sometimes, I close my eyes due to fear.

We waited for about ten minutes before seeing a bank official. He guided my son through the process with the patience of a saint. Then he helped us pay my electric bill over my smartphone.

I looked at Larry. "Will you remember how to do this in the future?"

He nodded. "It's not that complicated."

I gave him a high five. "You're a godsend. I'd be lost without you."

And this is completely true. I couldn't function without my boy. Yet I'm a little worried that my dependency is placing the weight of the world upon his back. He's still just a teenager.

I got home and checked my blog. A woman name Sunflower left a comment about her child. Her kid is very ill, and it looks like he might not make it. I would like to encourage all of you to say a prayer for her son. To make matters worse, she's also having a tough time with her mother. God bless you, Sunflower. I hope things turn around for you.

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The Dentist

(Rice-Boy Larry had his teeth cleaned for fifty bucks.)

Today, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while smoking a Marlboro Red. An elementary student from Daejeon suddenly got sick at school. She had a terrible headache and kept passing out. The principal called for an ambulance, but it didn't come for 50 minutes because nobody could find a local hospital that would take her. Eventually, the paramedics drove her to a facility in Sejong City where she underwent an emergency operation. However, she died two weeks later from a brain hemorrhage. I'm going to pray for the family. They must be going through hell.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, "Have you heard anything from your wife?"

I said, "Not a word."

"I guess that's good news."

I shrugged. "You're probably right."

"Do you think she'll try to come back?"

"Maybe. That's the last thing that happens in a narcissistic cycle. It's called hoovering." 

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"After narcissists discard their victims, they try to suck them back up into their orbit like a vacuum cleaner." 

"But she hates your guts."

"You're right. That woman despises me with a passion. But according to the internet, women like her have to have something called narcissistic supply. If they don't possess a punching bag willing to put up with their bullshit, they go completely fucking nuts."

"That's not good."

I shook my head. "No, it isn't good. It isn't good at all."

I knocked on Rice-Boy Larry's door. He was sleeping comfortably in his bed, and I shook his leg gingerly. He's kind of an asshole when he's tired, so I tried to be as gentle as possible.

Larry said, "What do you want?"

"I'm going to work."

"But it's vacation time."

"Not for me. I have lots of i's to dot and t's to cross. My labor never ends. I'm the busiest man in Seoul."

"Well, may the force be with you."

"I'll leave you my bank card. You need to go to the dentist to get your choppers cleaned. They're starting to grow barnacles."

He yawned and stretched. "I don't care about my looks."

"Son, I'm a toothless motherfucker because I didn't look after myself when I was a kid. Have you ever tried munching on pretzels with your gums?"

"No."

I smiled. "Trust me. It's fucking awful. Do what I tell you. It will help you in the long run."

I took the bus to the school. The place was completely deserted except for the office workers. I spent four hours planning for August and September. Teachers have to be prepared, or the students will feed on you like vicious piranhas. They instinctively know when you're not on top of your game, so you have to train yourself physically and mentally like a Kung-Fu master. I shit you not. 

Larry called me while I was sitting at my desk.

He said, "The insurance doesn't cover cleaning. She wants fifty bucks to do the procedure."

"Your dentist is a woman?"

"Yes. But I have a lot of faith in her."

"Then pay her the money and tell her to make those choppers sparkle."

I got home at 5 p.m. and cooked my boy some beef. Then I watched the Yankees defeat the Royals. It's now 10 p.m. I'm going to smoke another cig after I publish this piece of shit. God bless.

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Pizza and Fun

(Getting together for a meal is pretty damn important.)

Today, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while smoking a Marlboro Red. A guy from Seoul went crazy and started stabbing complete strangers with a butcher knife. One of his victims died and the other three are currently recovering from their injuries at the hospital. The perpetrator said he did it because his life sucks ass, and he wants other people to know his pain. My life is shit, too. But I relieve my frustrations by writing a stupid blog which caters to retards and fuckheads.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, "Sis came for a visit this weekend. She brought her friend Tammi."

I nodded. "I remember Tammi. We all graduated from the same crap high school."

"They took me for pizza. I just got home about five minutes ago."

"Was it good?"

"Was what good?"

"The pizza."

She shrugged. "It was OK. It came with pepperoni and mushrooms. I'm not a huge fan of mushrooms these days."

"Why didn't you tell the ladies to order you something else?"

"I don't like to cause problems. It's important to be grateful when people take you out to eat."

And Mom's a hundred percent correct. I've been picky all my life when it comes to food, and sometimes I even gag when I put creamy stuff in my mouth. For instance, I can't eat cheese and many types of sauce. I suddenly get the sudden urge to puke. And this goes for salad dressing, too. Hell, I can't even stomach mayonnaise. Needless to say, I don't get invited to many dinners.

I read the bible for thirty minutes. I'm currently enjoying the Book of Acts. Paul has told his followers that he's going back to Jerusalem, and they all beg the apostle to avoid that city like the plague. A kid with the gift of prophecy warns Paul that he'll be shackled by the authorities and handed over to the gentiles for punishment. But the apostle refuses to listen and marches forward to his doom.

Later in the day, I walked to church. It took me an hour to get there, and I was covered in sweat by the time I arrived. I looked like a glazed donut, so I went to the restroom and cleaned myself up with paper towels.

A little boy pointed at me and shouted, "Waygook! Waygook! Waygook!" Then he threw his head back and laughed like a madman.

Waygook is the Korean word for foreigner. Lots of children on the peninsula go nuts when they see a white man. They shout and scream and even dance. At first, it used to get to me. However, now it's nothing but water off a duck's ass.

Anyway, the boy's father told junior to settle down, and the kid obeyed.  So I waved and gave him a pat on the shoulder. He seemed to get a kick out of it.

The sermon was OK. We are still reading the Book of Isaiah. But I have to tell you the truth. My pastor isn't exactly the most dynamic speaker in the world. Yet he's a really nice guy, and it's my pleasure and privilege to support his ministry. After all, it's not his job to keep me amused.

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Fecal Matter

(I went for my yearly physical.)

Today, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I enjoyed a Marlboro Red while sitting outside on a plastic picnic table. Smoking is strictly forbidden inside my apartment complex. After that, I took a nasty shit and scooped a small amount of my fecal matter into a Tupperware container. It was nasty business, but I had to do it because I had a medical checkup that scheduled for later in the morning.

I relaxed on the sofa and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, "Have you heard anything new from your wife?"

I nodded. "Rice-Boy Larry told me that she has a job interview next week."

"Doing what?"

"I'm not sure what her exact title is. But she applied to work in a factory that produces semi-conductors. That's all I know."

"It pays good money?"

"Probably not. And Larry says that the hours are hell. It's a gig that requires the employees to work twelve hours a day."

"Who's going to watch the dog?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess the puppy will just have to stay in her new apartment until the Dragon Lady gets home."

"You can't get Dolly back?"

I shook my head. "Dolly is definitely my wife's pet. That little beast loves the Dragon Lady. I honestly don't understand the attraction."

"And how are you feeling?"

"I'm a little bit pissed if you want to know the truth. She spent all these years living off my dime, and now she leaves me and finds a gig in like thirty seconds flat. Go figure."

I woke Rice-Boy up at seven a.m. I'm extremely worried about him. He sleeps all the time. I read on the internet that excessive snoozing is an indicator of depression.

He shot me the stink eye. "Why can't you let me rest?"

"Because you have to take me to the hospital. It's time for my yearly exam."

He hit the mattress with his fist. "Fuck!"

"Try to have a better attitude. Remember that I'm the asshole who puts rice in your bowl."

We took the bus. It was only a ten-minute ride. My fecal matter was in my front pocket, and I was terribly afraid that a foul smell might invade the air. Yet none was detectable. It turns out that Tupperware is air-tight and keeps rancid odors to a minimum. And let me tell you retards something.  Concealing the stench of my shit is no easy feat. So kudos to the boys at the company for creating such a first-rate product. 

We got to the hospital at 8:30 a.m. and filled out a couple of forms. Rice-Boy did most of the heavy lifting because my Korean skills suck ass. He's always a huge help. I'd be lost without the kid.

The doctors and nurses did a thorough job. They checked my height and weight and eyesight. They also analyzed my blood and urine. Plus I was required to take a chest x-ray. 

I looked at Larry. "What about my fecal matter?"

"Huh?"

"My fecal matter. Nobody has asked for it."

"Should I make an inquiry?"

I sighed heavily. "It's probably better to let the matter rest. They checked it last year. Maybe it's a biannual affair."

We finally got home at 11 a.m., and I served my boy lunch. I gave him some chicken that the Dragon Lady had purchased at Costco before her exit. He thought it was delicious.

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The Dermatologist

(South Korea has a great healthcare system.)

Today, I woke up at 8 a.m. and walked to a nearby 7-11 for a cup of coffee. Then I sucked down my beverage while puffing on a Marlboro Red. It was a beautiful experience. Lately, I've been smoking about five cigarettes a day. After that, I called my mother using Facebook Messenger. I was sitting outside on a plastic picnic table as we spoke. 

She said, "Do you miss your wife?"

I shook my head and smiled. "Are you fucking crazy? The peace is marvelous."

"I'm just afraid that she's going to return."

"I won't let her return unless the judge forces me to do so. But I don't think it will come to that. She's probably gone for good."

Mom took a sip of her morning tea. "Is she at her father's house?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm not really sure if you want to know the truth. Rice-Boy Larry says that she's staying with a friend."

"If the judge makes you take her back, then you must return to Texas. You've got to escape her evil clutches."

I laughed out loud. "Try not to get too dramatic."

She frowned. "I'm not kidding, son. That woman is so crazy that she might actually murder you. She's got nothing to lose."

"But I don't want to end up as a waffle boy, serving bacon and hash browns to the country bumpkins."

"Better to be a living waffle boy than a dead teacher."

I walked back to my apartment and enjoyed a piece of nicotine gum. Then I surfed the internet for the latest headlines. An elementary teacher from Seoul committed suicide at her school before the start of morning classes. She had been bullied for several months by one of her student's parents. The kid had gotten in trouble for being a bully, and Mom and Dad poured out their wrath on the child's instructor. 

The field of education isn't the easiest career path in the world. I can't tell you how many assholes I've met over the years. You really have to grow a set of brass balls to make it work, or you will spend the rest of your life being tortured by angry psychopaths. I shit you not.

I looked at Rice-Boy Larry. "I'm going to take you to the dermatologist today."

"Why? My skin isn't that bad."

I pointed at him with my index finger. "I want you to always put your best face forward. Trust me. Looks fucking matter in this world. You should have seen me when I was a kid. I was the ugliest freak in town, and it was impossible to find a girl friend."

"But you're doing OK now."

"Really? Do you think so?"

One of the best things about Seoul is that there are little clinics and hospitals on every street corner. We took the bus and got to our destination in under ten minutes. We were seen by the doctor almost immediately. He spoke to Larry in Korean and smiled at me. I had no idea what the fuck he was saying.

I tapped Rice-Boy on the arm. "What's the news?"

"He says that my acne is mild, so he's not going to give me any powerful medication. Instead, he prescribed some lotions that should help me out."

"Sounds good."

The visit came to less than five dollars, and the medicine was thirteen bucks. Korea has a fantastic healthcare system. It's rated as one of the best in the world.

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She Left Me

(My wife finally packed her things and left.)

Today, I woke up at  5 a.m. and walked to a small convenience store to buy a cup of coffee. It cost me $1.25, and I drank it while sucking on a Marlboro Red. Then I went sauntered aimlessly through the streets and purchased some French bread along the way. I ate several pieces that I ripped away from the loaf with my bare hands. I was sitting by my lonesome at a bus stop during this time. I had no desire to go home because the movers were in my apartment loading all the Dragon Lady's stuff into a large truck.

Rice-Boy Larry called me at 8:30 p.m. "Hey, Dad, you can come back now. They're finished."

"How does the place look? Is it a disaster area?"

"No, it's very clean. In fact, Mom is currently vacuuming the floor. Can't you hear her?"

"I can barely hear a thing. You sound like you're whispering."

"Maybe we have a bad connection."

"I don't think so. It's the fucking traffic. It keeps whizzing by as the people make their way to work."

I eventually walked through the door at 9 a.m., and saw that my house had been pretty much stripped to the bone. Luckily, she decided to leave the air conditioner and the television. But she charged me $600 to hang on to these possessions, and I was quick to hand over the cash. The summer heat is stifling, and the thought of going through August without some type of climate control made my asshole pucker with fear and frustration.

At 9:30 a.m., we drove together to city hall. We were both required by the government to watch a video about protecting the welfare of children during a divorce. The entire production was in Korean, and I couldn't understand a single word. It featured lots of child actors who were screaming and crying and beating up their baby dolls.

When it finally finished, a government official handed us both a piece of paper covered in Oriental hieroglyphics. I was completely clueless as to what it said.

I turned to the Dragon Lady. "Are we done?"

"We must come again on Octobah thirwty-one."

"Why?"

"To see da judge-ee, you stoopid asshoe. Den we officiawly divawced."

"So this nightmare of a marriage ends on Halloween?"

"Dat's light, idiot."

We got back to the apartment at 11:30 a.m., and my wife starting giving instructions to Rice-Boy Larry on how to clean the house properly. There was a certain way to wash the floors and scrub the shitters. A certain way to do the laundry. A certain way to take out the garbage. Anyway, you get the idea. She kept screaming at us while delivering her instructions.

"You two in tellible twouble. You not know how to do anyting. Nuffing. Soon, dis prace turn to a gahbage pit. But don't cawl me. I not see you again."

After getting that off her chest, she handed Rice-Boy a hundred dollars. It was her going-away present. He thanked her profusely. That poor kid never has a dime in his pocket. Then she picked up Dolly the Dog and walked out the door, slamming it behind her.

Larry looked at me. "So what are we going to do now? We don't even have a vehicle to go shopping for food."

I smiled. "Son, this is Seoul. Who the hell even needs a car?"

To prove my point, we walked to a store and bought some eggs. I also purchased pancake mix and a pack of cigarettes.

I looked him in the eyes. "See? That wasn't too hard, was it?"

He shrugged. "I guess you're right."

My wife is now gone, and hopefully this arrangement is forever. I can no longer handle the stress she brings to my life.

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Are the Ukrainians Toast?

(I don't believe the mainstream media.)

Last night, I visited YouTube and watched a video featuring Colonel Douglas Macgregor. He's a former military officer who now writes books for a living. Anyway, Macgregor claims that 25,000 Ukrainian soldiers have been killed in the last two weeks because of Zelensky's new offensive against Putin. Conversely, only 200 Russians have been sent to meet their maker by the opposition. That's a huge disparity in the amount of casualties on the battlefield. The colonel also claims that the Ukrainians are pretty much a spent force and that their demise is imminent. 

Is Macgregor full of shit? I honestly couldn't tell you. Nevertheless, I don't feel that we're getting the whole truth from the mainstream media. The talking heads keep spinning fairy tales about the eventual fall of Vladimir the Barbarian. In fact, according to the mutants at Fox News and CNN, Russia was supposed to have succumbed bankruptcy and destruction about a year ago. So what the hell happened?

I went to bed at 11 p.m. and slept like the dead. Then I woke up at 7 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. After that, I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, "Your niece and her deadbeat boyfriend are visiting this weekend."

I said, "Is he a deadbeat? I thought he was on some type of sabbatical."

"Sabbatical my ass. That loser isn't making a penny, and he's living in the condo rent free."

"So who's paying the bills?"

"Your stupid niece is. Are you kidding me? She can't get a single nickel from that motherfucker."

I shook my head in dismay. "When's the last time he had a job?"

"It's been over a year. Plus he has an eight-year-old daughter whom he doesn't support."

"Who's looking after the child?"

"The girl's mother. But the kid lives at my condo, too. She sleeps under my roof three days a week."

Mom owns a lot of properties throughout Texas. She makes extra money by renting them to folk who have enough dough to pay the note. Trust me. The old lady has zero sympathy for broke dead dicks who can't cover their nut. He's simply lucky that he's dating one of Mom's grandbabies, or he'd be out on his ass in no-time flat.

I changed the subject. "Have you heard anything from Ken?"

"He sent me an email last night."

"What's he saying?"

"Not much. Things seem to be going well."

"That's good. I hope he's having a great time."

"I'm sure he is. It's fun to be young."

I switched on Netflix and watched several episodes of Seinfeld. The one that struck my fancy is when George and Susan's parents meet for the first time. George's father brings a loaf of marble rye bread to their house but steals it back before he leaves because of their bad manners. I literally couldn't stop laughing, and I nearly fell out of my chair. I shit you not.

Later that morning, I drove to church with Rice-Boy Larry. The sermon was OK. We're still on the Book of Isaiah, and we're reading the part where God's angel kills all of Sennacherib's forces. More than 185,000 men were slaughtered in one night.

After the service, the pastor approached me. "Is this the first time you've heard of Sennacherib?"

"No. There's actually a famous poem written about the incident called The Destruction of Sennacherib. I used to teach it several years ago to my students."

"Who wrote it?"

"Lord Byron."

The pastor looked it up on his smart phone and started nodding with approval. He's a nice guy, but he's one of those types who has to verify everything. But I'm not judging him. I'm probably the same way.

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Same Old Crap, Different Day

(Sometimes, I feel like I'm going round and round.)

Last night, I watched several episodes of Vikings on Netflix. It's one of my favorite shows. I've seen it a million times. I'm on the part where Ivar the Boneless has taken the English city of York, and King Aethelwulf is now trying to wrest it out of his control with the help of Bishop Heahmund. Bishop Heahmund is played by an actor named Jonathan Rhys who got into big trouble years back for becoming drunk at an airport and calling the bartender the N-word. 

I paused the program to clean the filter on my air conditioner. I did it using a damp towel. Then I walked into the kitchen to talk to the Dragon Lady.

I said, "I need your phone."

"Why?"

"I have to reset the unit for it to work properly."

Everything in South Korea is highly technological. Our air conditioner comes with an app which allows us to reboot the damn thing. Trust me. Nothing on the peninsula is easy. If it weren't for Rice-Boy Larry's prowess with computers, I would have jumped out the window a long time ago.

My wife shot me the stink eye. "You just lemebah!"

"Remember what?"

"On Tuesday, we get da divorce."

"Why Tuesday?"

"Because you wowk on Monday."

"I'm not working on Monday."

A malevolent smile passed over her face. "Good! Den we do it Monday."

The process for getting a divorce in Korea starts with visiting the city courthouse and signing a document. Then you have to wait to see a judge, and it can take months. But I have a minor child, so I'll be visited by a social worker before this happens to make sure I'm not a psychopath. I have to prove that I'm worthy of being his guardian--which is going to be difficult since I don't speak the language. How will this person even understand what I'm saying? In other words, it's not the easiest process in the world.

She said, "And I take evelyting. You have no terevision. No intahnet. No air conditionah. Nutting."

I shrugged. "I'll do whatever you say. I'm not your prison guard. You're a free woman."

"Good." She paused for dramatic effect. "Asshoe."

I recently viewed an internet clip by Dr. Phil. He says that it's vital not to quarrel with toxic people. Setting boundaries is more important than trying to reason with them. I've been taking his advice. I'm too old to fight, and conflict never helps. It leads to nothing but circular arguments that will drive you up the wall.

I eventually fell asleep at 11 p.m., and I dreamed that I was back in Beijing. I was at a party with my former co-workers. They were really glad to see me. One of them was dressed up like a woman. He kept singing Dr. Love by the rock group Kiss. We all laughed and applauded his efforts. I felt warm and fuzzy inside. I had a great time.

I opened my eyes at 7 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. The cops on Long Island found a serial killer who had murdered several prostitutes back in the day when he had been younger man. He had even called the families of the deceased females in order to emotionally torture their surviving relatives. It's not easy being a sex worker. They're often the victims of predatory violence. The story left me feeling a little bit depressed.

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Bad Dreams

(I'm often plagued by nightmares.)

Last night, I had a vivid dream. I was with my boys, and we were camping in a pine forest next to the walls of a wooden castle. The building was constructed of rough-hewn logs, and my kids were young again. They looked about eight or nine years old. Suddenly, a rider on horseback came galloping toward us. He was dressed in a white flowing robe and was sporting a bishop's hat upon his head that was shaped like a hexagon. His skin was very pale, and his lips were bright red.

The man gazed at me with disdain. "I'm going to kill you and your children."

After getting that off his chest, he rode away in a cloud of dust.

My eyes suddenly popped open, and my heart began to race a mile a minute. I sat up in bed and peered through the darkness in the bedroom looking for the killer. Nothing. Not a thing. So I walked to the bathroom and took a wicked piss before going back to sleep again.

The alarm sounded at 6 a.m., and I drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. In 2017, a woman from the city of Mokpo gave birth to a baby boy. Two days later, she took the child into the woods and buried him alive on the side of a mountain. She claims that the pressure of single motherhood was too much for her to bear. She has now been charged with murder by the powers that be.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, "Ken's still in Colorado."

I said, "How's he doing?"

She shrugged. "OK, I guess. He sent me a picture."

"A picture of what?"

"A sandwich that he ate for lunch."

"A sandwich? That's kind of weird."

"I don't know. It seems normal to me. He's wants us to know that he's eating well."

"I'd give him a call, but he never answers."

Mom frowned at me. "He thinks that you might be disappointed because he doesn't want to be a nurse anymore."

"Why would I be disappointed? I don't want to be a nurse, either."

She changed the subject. "Your sister found a new job."

"I didn't even know she was looking."

"She'll be teaching at a school that is closer to her house. She won't have to spend two hours in a car every day."

"Sounds good."

"She's very happy. And her new boss is originally from Korea."

"Oh shit."

Mom shook her head. "No. It's not like that. This lady must be one of the good ones. Sis really likes her."

"I'm sure it will be fine. Not all Koreans are nuts."

Later that morning, I walked to McDonald's for a cup of coffee. That's one of the best things about living in Seoul. You can visit all your favorite haunts on foot. You don't even need a car. McDonald's is by far and away my favorite coffee shop. It's one of the few locations in town where I can purchase hot java at a reasonable price. I'm not cheap, but I simply refuse to get ass raped by places like Starbucks.

I sipped my beverage while chomping on a piece of nicotine gum. I had a great time. It was nice and peaceful.

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