Sex Dolls in South Korea

(Life-sized sex dolls are now available in Korea.)

I woke up this morning at eight a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A court in Seoul recently ruled that it’s legal to import life-sized sex dolls to Korea as long as they don’t resemble minors. Consequently, there are now businesses popping up throughout the peninsula providing pleasure to lonely men who don’t mind humping lifeless mannequins. You pick your favorite doll and take her to a private room. Then you screw her brains out for a reasonable price. It’s pretty sick if you as me. But what are you going to do? Men are raunchy, and they love to get their rocks off.

I went to the living room and turned on Fox News. There was a huge Christmas blizzard in Buffalo, New York, which entirely crippled the city. That’s when the deadbeats and losers started looting the stores. None of them seemed the least big ashamed. They were caught red-handed by security cameras stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down. And all of the perpetrators were African American. I didn’t see any Asians or white folk. I love black people. They really know how to stick it to the man. If I had dark skin, I wouldn’t pay for a fucking thing, either. Five-fingered discount all the way, baby! Now that’s living large.

The Dragon Lady handed me a cup of coffee, and I smiled at her.

“Thanks, baby.”

She sneered at me. “I not you baby.”

“Much obliged, honey.”

“I not you honey, too.”

“Whatever you say, doll face.”

She changed the subject. “I go Emahrt today.”

Emart is the Korean version of Walmart. It’s a huge department store where you can buy everything from groceries to huge flatscreen televisions. The place is always packed to the rafters. During the holiday season, it’s usually so crowded that it’s hard to move through the aisles. I shit you not.

I said, “Is Rice-Boy Larry going with you?”

“He can’t. He not feel well. He keep sneezing and brohwing his nose.”

“So you want me to go?”

She nodded.

I shrugged. “OK. Not a problem. I’m happy to help.”

I always try to remain polite no matter how bad the news is. I’m wonderful that way. But I could feel my heart sink and my balls shrivel after making the offer to tag along. I’ve been married for 24 years, and my wife hates my guts with a passion. She never says anything nice. In fact, everything that comes out of her mouth is a giant insult. Therefore, I always do my best to avoid her at all costs. But sometimes I have to take one for the team. After all, I can’t force Rice-Boy Larry to do the heavy lifting. That wouldn’t be fair.

I tried to strike up a conversation as we drove toward our destination.

“Wow. This neighborhood is filled with coffee shops. I wonder how they make any money. The competition seems too stiff.”

The Dragon Lady looked me in the eye. “You da fucken idiot.”

“Why am I an idiot?”

“You luin my rife.”

“That’s not true. Your life was ruined long before you met me.”

“Asshoe. You money tellible.”

“Then get a job and help me out.”

“Soon I go work. Aftah dat, I riv with my mutha. I so tire of staying home to crean you shitty pantie. Yuck. Eet not fun.”

I patted her on the shoulder. “Maybe you’ll get lucky, and I’ll die soon. Perhaps my plane will crash tomorrow. Dare to dream.”

When we arrived at the department store, we caught an elevator to the fifth floor. That’s where all the restaurants are located. I watched her eat a pork cutlet smothered in gravy. She wolfed it down like a savage predator. The Dragon Lady is quite the woman. I’m lucky to have her.

Drones Over Seoul

(Several North Korean drones invaded Seoul's airspace today.)

I woke up this morning at 8 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. North Korea sent several unmanned drones into the city of Seoul. As you can imagine, everybody went nuts. No one was sure if these things were armed with explosives or poison. Luckily, it turned out that the drones were harmless. Kim Jong-un and his crazy sister were simply playing mind games with their cousins to the south.

I went to the living room and turned on Fox News. The FBI and Twitter got together to suppress content that was unflattering to senile Joe Biden. The conservative talking heads were so upset that they were almost in tears. But I have no idea why they are so surprised. The FBI has been dirty since its birth. The first director was named J. Edgar Hoover. He was a twisted homosexual drag queen who would gather sexual information on important people in order to blackmail them. Make no mistake. The men at the Bureau aren’t your friends. In fact, they’re nothing more than a necessary evil. Our country needs law enforcement, so what are you going to do?

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “Are you still on your diet?”

I nodded. “I sure am.”

“How many raw eggs do you eat a day?”

“Twelve. But I don’t actually eat them. It’s more like I drink them.”

“Eggs are expensive in America. I pay thirteen dollars for thirty.”

I shook my head. “Sometimes, I just want to jump out the fucking window.”

“Why?”

“I can’t afford to live. Everything’s too expensive. If prices keep going up, I’ll be living under a bridge before all is said and done.”

“Well, you’ll always have a place to stay as long as I’m alive.”

Please don’t misunderstand my words. I’m not suicidal by any means. In fact, I’m usually joyful—despite the fact that I’m both ugly and stupid. It’s just that I often get frustrated. I’ve been working since the age of 12, and I still don’t have a pot to piss in. I must be doing something wrong. Anyway, I try to look on the bright side of life. Things could always be a lot worse. At least I wasn’t born in Djibouti.

I made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the sofa.

The Dragon Lady said, “I go to runchee today with Rarry.”

“Sounds good. What’s the name of the restaurant?”

“Ashrey.”

“I hate that place.”

“You not have to worly. I not invite you.”

“Good. I wouldn’t have gone if you had.”

Ashley’s is a popular restaurant in Asia which has a Gone with the Wind motif. In fact, Ashley was the character whom Scarlett loved the most. He was married to Melanie. It’s a great film. Check it out if you haven’t seen it. But the eatery itself is a disgrace. It’s an overpriced buffet which features lame dishes such as crab-fried rice and soggy fried chicken. But the Koreans love it. The place is always packed. And the price? Twenty dollars per person.

After my wife left, I watched football on my flatscreen television. The Dolphins lost to the Packers in an exciting game. It looked like Miami was going to walk away with the victory, but Tua threw three interceptions on three consecutive drives. It was by far his worst performance of the season.

Seoul Has A Lot of Stray Cats

 

(This cat gets to eat due to the kindness of strangers.)

I woke up this morning at 10 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. Seoul has 90,000 stray cats that help control the rat population. Kind-hearted animal lovers go to various parks around the city to give them food and fresh water. However, many citizens feel that these creatures are nothing more than a nuisance. They are tired of the noise and the poop near their apartments. I like cats. They are both clean and intelligent. Sadly, my wife is allergic to their fur which prevents me from owning one.

After wiping my nasty ass, I hopped into the shower. I listened to a sermon by John MacArthur on the subject of evil as I washed my flesh. I’m a Calvinist, so I don’t believe that I have the strength to resist sin on my own. I rely daily on the power of the Holy Spirit to keep me right side up. I also believe that Satan has to act within the parameters set by his creator. The devil is currently very much in control of the world and its systems. However, that’s only because it’s God’s will. Things will change when Christ returns, and I often pray that I’m alive to see it. But it’s in the Lord’s hands.

I stepped into the living room and smiled at my wife.

I said, “Merry Christmas!”

She frowned. “You go chawch today?”

“Of course I’m going to church.”

“But it Chlistmas.”

I shrugged. “Church is the perfect place to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.”

“I warning you. Eet steel cawd outside. Maybe eet soon snowing again.”

“Well, it’s winter. It’s supposed to be cold.”

I turned on Fox News expecting to find Dan Bongino. But he had been replaced by a bullshit program called the West Point Holiday Show. It featured soldiers singing holiday tunes. I felt a tad frustrated. I don’t tune into Fox for that kind of frivolous crap. If Bongino wants to stay home with his wife and children, I get it. However, why not find a replacement? Lots of good people would jump at the chance for such a choice timeslot.

Later in the afternoon, I drove to church with Rice-Boy Larry. We struck up a conversation along the way.

I said, “How are you enjoying Christmas so far?”

He said, “I didn’t get any presents.”

“That’s not true. You’re flying out to America on Wednesday. Plus I put 200 genuine American dollars into your wallet.”

“But giving somebody money is heartless. It requires no thought.”

I sighed heavily. “Son, you’re fifteen years old. I have no idea what an Asian kid your age wants Santa to bring him.”

“What does race have to do with it?”

“Well, all you Korean boys love computer games, right?”

He nodded. “That’s true.”

“I’m fifty-four years old. I wouldn’t know a good computer game if it bit me right on the ass. So money is actually the best gift possible. You can use the cash to buy the stuff of your dreams. Isn’t that magnificent?”

“I guess.”

The sermon was pretty good. We are still studying Isaiah. Did you know that the prophet was cut in half by King Manasseh with a wooden saw? Well, now you do. It’s a warning to all of us. Being a child of God isn’t a Sunday picnic, and bad shit can happen when you speak truth to power. I shit you not.

Human Tragedy in Itaewon

(Itaewon is famous for parties and booze.)

I woke up this morning at 7 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a dump. There’s a famous section of Seoul called Itaewon. It’s filled with bars and merrymaking, and was once a hub for global prostitution. Anyway, 158 people were killed in this section of the city back on Halloween. They were crushed by a human stampede when a street carnival got out of hand. Now the-powers-that-be have just arrested two police officers for their supposed lack of action during that horrible night. Every tragedy needs a fall guy, and these two gentlemen are shit out of luck. I definitely see prison in their future.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “Soon, you’ll be in America. You must be excited.”

I smiled. “I’m actually nervous if you want to know the truth.”

“Why?”

“I think I’m crazy. I’ve always been the king of anxiety.”

“Your ass hurts. There’s nothing wrong with your mind.”

I sighed heavily. “Have you ever seen that show Lost?”

She shook her head. “No. But the name sounds familiar.”

“Well, these idiots are trapped on a mysterious island, and some of them believe that they have to punch a five-digit number into a computer every hour to prevent a catastrophe. If they fail to do so, they fear that they might be blown to smithereens.”

“And your point?”

“That’s me. I always see terrible problems lurking in the nooks and crannies of my life.”

“Nobody gets out alive, son.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

I turned on Fox News and watched the Tucker Carlson Show. A woman was arrested in Birmingham, England, for praying silently in front of an abortion clinic. The whole incident was captured on video tape. The arresting officer demanded to know her thoughts as she talked to God in her head. After refusing to comply, she was taken to the station and booked for intimidation. Yes, the world that crazy. Child sacrifice is now seen as a religious event, and anyone who disagrees with dismembering unborn babies is thrown in jail for blaspheming the demons who rule this planet.

Jesus, please come back as soon as possible and send these satanic assholes to where they belong. I’m begging you. With that said, your will be done, not mine.

Later in the afternoon, I went to a hotel and enjoyed a buffet with my co-workers. The restaurant was fantastic. Its ceiling was twenty-feet high, and there was a big glass chandelier hanging over our table. I was afraid that it might snap from its chain and crush us all. My mind works that way. I never look on the bright side of life.

I’m still on my diet, so I avoided the meat and pastries. Instead, I focused on the sushi. I ate three plates of raw shrimp and fish.

Tommy looked at me and pointed at the food on my plate. “Do you like that kind of stuff?”

I shrugged. “What can I do? I’m a giant fat ass, and I have to lose weight.”

“Why don’t you get yourself a Coke. Once can won’t kill you.”

So I went ahead and indulged. I smiled like the Cheshire Cat as soon as the liquid hit my tastebuds.

I said, “That tastes wonderful. I haven’t had soda in more than a month. I forgot how good it is.”

I eventually got home at 6 p.m. I switched on Netflix and viewed a film called Scarface. It stars Al Pacino as a gangster from Cuba. The movie is tons of fun. It comes with my highest recommendation.

No More Face Masks

 

(Korea might drop its mask mandate.)

I woke up this morning at 6 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. The South Korean government is finally thinking about lifting the indoor mask mandate at the end of January. Hallelujah and praise God. I’ve been wearing a face diaper for the last three years. I’ve also been jabbed three times. But none of that stopped me from catching COVID-19. Go figure.

I took a shower and listened to Pastor Charles Lawson as I scrubbed my filthy body. He’s a fire and brimstone Baptist preacher from the great state of Tennessee. I’m a huge fan of Brother Lawson’s style. It’s strange. I’m now an official believer in the inerrant bible. I never thought that would have happened in a million years. But what can I say? God’s word is a truly transforming force which is life altering. I’ve given up a lot of stuff along the way. Drinking. Smoking. Pornography. Yet I still curse like a sailor. Oh well. My language is something that I’ll have to fix. Pray for me.

I caught a ride to work with my buddy Tommy. He picked me up in front of his apartment complex.

Tommy said, “Where’s Rice-Boy Larry?”

I said, “He’s sick, so he’s staying home.”

“But he’s going to miss his 9^th-grade graduation. Is his illness that bad?”

Korea’s not like the west. The school year ends in December.

I said, “Well, Rice-Boy has to go on a plane ride in a few days, and it’s freezing out here. I figure better safe than sorry.”

I’m not a huge believer in middle-school graduation celebrations. It seems a tad frivolous. You’d have to be a real fucking moron to fail to matriculate to the 10^th grade. So why are we supposed to act like it’s some big deal?

We got to the school at 8:15 a.m., and I walked to my room. Then I called my mother using Facebook messenger.

I said, “How’s my sister doing? Has her divorce finally come through?”

Mom shook her head. “Not yet. She’s still helping her loser husband pay all the bills.”

“What bills?”

“She’s on the hook for half the mortgage.”

I nodded. “Is she trying to get the house?”

“No, they’ve agreed to sell it and split the cash.”

“That makes sense. And what’s her new boyfriend like?”

“He’s a nice guy. He just got a job at UPS.”

My brother-in-law is a real piece of work. He’s a serial adulterer who sells pain killers to make a few extra bucks on the side. And here’s the kicker. He has a great job. It’s not as if he needs the money. Some people commit crimes because they enjoy it. The act of breaking the law is a rush which tingles their reptilian brains.

The graduation ceremony was held in the school auditorium. It was a five-minute walk from my room, and I nearly froze my nuts off along the way. This winter is the harshest I can remember. Maybe it’s my age, but the frosty weather is really getting to me. I hope it’s warmer in Texas.

I got home later that day at 4 p.m. and took a nap. I had a dream about my mother’s husband. His name is Juan, and he’s originally from Mexico. He was sitting in a restaurant, and I approached his table. He smiled at me.

I said, “I heard you found a new job at a construction site.”

“That’s right. I did find a new job. I start tomorrow.”

“Damn, Juan. How do you do it? You’re 83 years old.”

He started crying.

I suddenly woke up in a cold sweat. I was so damp that I had to dry myself with a towel.

The Working-Man Blues

 

(It's not easy being a working man.)

Yesterday, I didn’t have much to do at work, so I watched the Tucker Carlson Show on YouTube. It seems that Joe Biden lied about the number of jobs created in the second quarter of this year. He reported a million new jobs, but the real figure according to the Philadelphia Fed is closer to 10,000. This inflated amount gave Fed Chairman Jerome Powell the excuse to raise interest rates yet again. But here’s the sad truth. Senile Joe doesn’t even know what day it is. Therefore, somebody behind the curtain is controlling the narrative. Oh well. What’s a boy to do?

Suddenly, there came a tapping at my door. It was a guy named George. He’s one of the English teachers at my school.

He said, “I just went to see the vice principal.”

I said, “Did you sign a contract for next year?”

He nodded. “I sure did. But the meeting didn’t go well.”

“What happened?”

“I explained to her that I can’t do professional development over the break. I’m too busy with Korean classes and other activities. And she got kind of pissed off.”

“No shit?”

“Yeah, no shit. She said that she would have to rethink my course load for next semester and even suggested that I manage my free time in a more responsible fashion.”

I smiled at him. “And what did you say?”

“I told her that it’s my free time, and what I do in private is none of her business. I got so frustrated that I even cried real tears. I broke down. I have to admit that I’m somewhat ashamed of my behavior.”

I shrugged. “These things happen. But it’s nice to set boundaries. You’re absolutely right. What you do when you’re off work is your own affair.”

“Damn straight it is.”

George has been trying to get out of professional development for the last few weeks. I've told him many times to cool it with that nonsense, but he refuses to listen to my advice. All the teachers have to participate in professional development. It’s in our contract.

I got home later that day at 6 p.m. and played with Dolly the dog. I scratched her ear, and she licked my face. Then I switched on Netflix and began viewing a show called Knightfall. It’s comprised of 20 episodes and tells a tale about the Templar Knights. I managed to get through the first two parts before being assailed by an attack of violent diarrhea.

I ran to the toilet and read the headlines on my smartphone as I evacuated my bowels. The smell was terrible. It was so thick that you could almost taste it as it lingered in the air. The Korean government is clamping down on human trafficking and prostitution after they were scolded by America. According to the U.S. government, too many entertainers from poor countries like the Philippines are being lured to the peninsula for the purpose of sex work.

I walked to the living room to talk with my wife.

I said, “I need to get Rice-Boy’s American passport from the closet.”

She said, “Do eet. Why you ask me? I not you swave.”

“I never said that you were my slave. But you got all kinds of crap piled on top of the box where it’s located. And I don’t want to screw anything up, or you'll chew my head off.”

“I move da stuff dis weekend. Is dat OK, mastah? You not need da passport dis minute, do you?”

“I’m not your master, so you can drop the sarcasm.” I sighed heavily. “The weekend will be fine.”

I went back to my room and continued watching television. I eventually feel asleep at 10 p.m. I was in dreamland as soon as my head hit the pillow. I’m wonderful that way.

Learning Korean

 

(I am much too stupid to learn Korean.)

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the teachers' lounge to enjoy a cup of coffee. While sipping on my beverage, I struck up a conversation with one of my fellow educators. His name is Brian, and he teaches math to middle school students.

I said, "Are you coming back next year?"

He shook his head. "I'm not sure."

"Do you have some better offers?"

He smiled. "Actually, I want to return, but the vice principal hasn't offered me a new contract yet. She's a little angry."

"Why? You seem like a nice-enough kid."

"I downloaded some games on my work computer, and she says that my behavior is unprofessional. I also missed too many days. According to her, anyway."

"I wouldn't worry. I'm sure that she'll hire you back. Math people are hard to find."

"Oh, I'm not worried. In fact, I told her to fire me if she can find somebody better. I could snap my fingers and have a another job by sundown. I'm young, and I'm smart. So fuck her, and fuck the horse she rode in on."

I did my best to chuckle at his comments. "It's probably not a good idea to taunt her."

He shot me a haughty look. "Do I look nervous?"

And even though he's an asshole, Brian is absolutely correct. It's easy to get teaching gigs throughout Korea if you're young, skinny, and white. Those are the kinds of people which make the principals and vice principals salivate. However, as you get older, it becomes a titanic struggle to find a new gig that's worth half a shit. That's why I never rock the boat. I'm 54 fucking years old. So if I get fired, my next employer will be Walmart.

I got home that evening at 6 p.m. I went to my room and viewed the game between the New Orleans Pelicans and the Milwaukee Bucks. The Pelicans lost again. This is their fourth defeat in a row. But all the games have been close. And soon Brandon Ingram will be back in the line up. New Orleans is a dangerous team, but the players have to remain healthy if they have any shot of going to the promised land.

I went to bed at 10 p.m. and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I had a strange dream about trying to visit Poland. The people in the airport wouldn't let me on the plane due to heavy snow. And here's the funny thing. I've never been to Poland in my life. Nor do I have any desire to go. Not that I have anything against the country. It's just that I have no friends or relatives who live there.

I woke up at 6 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone as I took a shit. Eighty percent of naturalized Koreans claim that they've been discriminated against while living on the peninsula. However, more than 90 percent say that they love living in the country and have no plans to move back home.

I've been a resident of Korea for almost fifteen years. I'm a huge fan of this nation. With that sad, I feel a tad ashamed that I never learned the language. But it wasn't for lack of trying. I'm simply too stupid to learn Korean. It's a real linguistic motherfucker. Smarter men than me have failed.

The Murders in Moscow, Idaho

(These murders remind me of Ted Bundy's cruel onslaught at the Florida sorority house.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. Why so early? Dolly the dog kept scratching at my door. I walked to the bathroom and pissed like a racehorse. Then I sat in my chair and switched on Fox News. Four innocent young people were butchered with a knife in a town called Moscow. It's located in the state of Idaho. Jesse Waters thinks that the killer is a social loser filled with jealousy issues. But Jesse is a low-functioning retard with nice hair. It's obvious to me that these poor souls were slaughtered by a serial killer with out-of-control blood lust. The crime is reminiscent of Ted Bundy's rampage in Florida when he attacked and killed several women as they slept in their sorority house.

I'm still on my diet. So I drank three eggs for breakfast and wolfed down a tangerine. After that, it was time to take a shit. I read the headlines on my smartphone while sitting on the throne. A Buddhist order in Gimhae, Korea, has included Jesus as one of the wooden idols in their temple. These monks are trying to establish a world religion where everyone can worship God in a spirit of brotherhood. Quite frankly, I don't like it. There's only one way to the father and that is through the son. Jesus should never be reduced to a wooden totem. Those bald vegetarians need to get with the program if they wish to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

I drove to work with Rice-Boy Larry in the passenger seat, and I called my mother using Facebook Messenger as I tooled along the freeway. Larry held the phone as I spoke.

She said, "What's new in your life?"

I said, "Not much. I signed my contract yesterday."

"So you're definitely going to stay in Korea for another year?"

I nodded. "It's looking that way."

"Why don't you just come home? You can live with me until you get on your feet."

"Strangely enough, I saw a nice job on the internet in your neck of the woods."

Her ears perked up. "Yeah? What is it?"

"It's a Walmart gig. I'd be collecting the buggies from the parking lot and cleaning the toilets."

She looked at me as if I had just pissed on her leg. "Son! You're a college graduate. You can do better than that."

"It actually comes with health insurance and pays 17 dollars an hour."

"Why are you selling yourself so short?"

I sighed heavily. "I'm fucking tired all the time. Mentally speaking. So cleaning piss off the floor and collecting shopping carts would be right up my alley. I'm 54 fucking years old. It would be like an early retirement."

"Then do it! You have the right to be happy."

"I can't. My kids wouldn't respect me. Their friends would see their dad doing bullshit work, and they'd be embarrassed. So I have to stay where I'm at. I have no choice in the matter."

But I have to tell you guys the truth. I actually enjoy living in Korea more than living in America. I never have to worry about crime. Rice-Boy Larry is getting a great education. Life in an apartment isn't filled with mundane everyday headaches such as cutting the grass or mending the backyard fence. I don't have to climb into a car to buy a loaf of bread. The list goes on and on. In fact, I will probably die on this peninsula, and you are more than welcome to attend my funeral.

The Korean Baseball Organization

(The Hanwha Eagles have signed a new pitcher.)

Yesterday was Sunday. I woke up at 8 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. Burch Smith is a former Major League pitcher who used to throw for both the Padres and the Devil Rays. But things didn't work out for him in the States, so he took his talents to Japan and had a very nice season last year. He's now made the move to Korea and will be hurling the ball for the Hanwha Eagles come spring. 

Hanwha is a squad located in a centrally located city called Daejeon. They're also one of the worst teams in the entire universe. I shit you not. In fact, the Eagles are so bad that I often wonder if they fell victim to a witch's curse. Perhaps Mr. Smith can help the club turn things around. But I certainly wouldn't hold my breath. With that said, Korean baseball is a ton of fun. I've been to many games, and I've always enjoyed myself. Burch is going to have a good time. Welcome to Korea.

I went to the living room and played with Dolly the dog for a few minutes.

I said, "Who's the good puppy?"

She jumped joyfully into my lap and started sniffing my hands.

I shouted, "You the good puppy!"

Dolly licked my face, and I kissed her on top of the head.

The Dragon Lady sneered at me. "You such da fucken idiot."

"I'm a fucking idiot? Why?"

"Dat puppy not ruv you. She onry ruv da food."

I sighed heavily. "Why do you have to take a giant crap on everything? You're the most miserable person in the world."

"Fuck you."

I smiled at her. "And the horse you rode in on."

Then I went to my room and switched on Fox News. Once again, there was a report about the school system in Brevard County, Florida. The story has been on the television quite frequently this week. Lots of teachers are quitting because they're being assaulted by the students. The school board wrote a crazy letter blaming both the students and the staff for the current state of lunacy. I shook my head with disbelief. There's no equivalency between the groups. The teachers are being spit on, verbally abused, bitten, punched and kicked. It's not like they are physically abusing the students in retaliation.

Later in the afternoon, I drove to church with Rice-Boy Larry in the passenger seat. We struck up a conversation along the way.

I said, "I'm really going crazy."

He said, "What's the problem?"

"I'm worried about our upcoming trip to Texas."

"There's no point in feeling stress. It is what it is."

"Suppose we come down with COVID before the flight?"

He shrugged. "What's the odds of that? We've both been vaccinated, and we both recently caught the disease. I think we're safe."

"I'm not so sure. You can catch that damn virus over and over again."

"True. But it's no worse than the flu."

"You're not getting my point. If test positive for the virus, they won't let us on the plane."

"Relax. It's gonna be OK."

The sermon wasn't bad. The pastor focused on Isaiah 5. In this chapter, the prophet warns about societies that confuse good with evil due to the influence of Satan. My mind immediately went to child castration in America. Teenagers are now having pricks cut off in order to become women, and ghouls like Rachel Levine are cheering on the sidelines. We certainly inhabit a fucked up planet controlled by demonic forces. But what's a boy to do?

Trump Opened My Eyes

(Orange Donald showed me how the world really works.)

Yesterday was Saturday. I woke up at 8 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. Korea is in the middle of a giant cold snap. It's even snowing on the southern island of Jeju. I live in Seoul, and I'm freezing my nuts off. Walking outside is awful. I'm terribly afraid that my testicles might freeze to the side of my leg. I shit you not. Bring back the global warming. It's our only hope.

I went to the kitchen and drank three raw eggs for breakfast. After that, I wolfed down two tangerines and poured myself a cup of coffee. Then I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

Mom said, "Are you voting for Trump in 2024?"

I said, "Probably not. I haven't voted since 2008. It's too much of a hassle now that I live overseas."

"Well, you shouldn't let that stop you. Voting is your patriotic duty."

"Are you still a Trump enthusiast?"

"Yes, he'll always be my boy."

"What about DeSantis?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "I love him, too. He'd make a great vice president."

"I have to be honest. Orange Donald has opened my eyes about a lot of things. This stuff with Twitter and the FBI is blowing my freaking mind."

"Are you surprised?"

"That the world is being run by a secretive star chamber comprised of elite white libtards? Yeah. I have to admit the truth. It's come as a shock."

My mother turned angry. "You have no right to complain. You voted for that asshole Obama before you left the country. You dumped a giant bag of shit in everybody's lap."

And Mom's right. I did vote for Barry back in the day. But I wasn't a huge supporter of the man. It's just that I regarded John McCain as the antichrist. The old twisted bastard literally wanted to go to war with everybody. Iran. Syria. Russia. Iraq. North Korea. His list of foes was never ending, and I was sick and tired of watching American boys come home from the Middle East in body bags.

I pointed my finger at Mom and smiled. "I was so naïve back before Donald took over the helm of our nation. For instance, I used to actually think that JFK was the victim of a disturbed lone gunman named Lee Harvey Oswald. But the Orange Man has opened my eyes. The CIA and the FBI killed the poor Irish prick. In contrast, Big Don is lucky, and he should praise God every night for his good fortune. All they did to him was fix an election."

Mom laughed and laughed.

The Dragon Lady came into the room. 

She said, "I need to go to da glocely stoh. But Rarry say he too tire."

I said, "Would you like me to come instead."

"No! You not da fun man.  Rarry and me alway eat da Kolean food when we shop. But you not rike da Kolean food. You have many many plobrem." 

I knocked on my son's door. He was still in bed. He waved at me, and I waved back.

Rice-Boy said, "What do you need?"

"Can you go to Emart with your mother?"

He punched the bed. "I'm fucking tired. Why can't you help me out this one time?"

"I already offered, but she refused. You know very well that the woman doesn't like me."

"But she's your wife, not mine."

I shrugged. "What do you want me to do?"

He finally agreed after I promised to give him twenty bucks. Everything in life comes with a price.

Idiotic Children

(Kids can often be stupid.)

Yesterday, I talked with my friend Tommy. I walked to his classroom to get some exercise. The year is quickly coming to an end, so most of the work is finished. We're all just dotting the i's and crossing the t's before we go on a lengthy vacation.

I said, "So what's new?"

He said, "I have a new baby in the house."

"That's great. So your daughter finally gave birth?"

He nodded. "Ten days ago."

"How come you kept it to yourself?"

He smirked at me. "You know why."

"Yeah, but you shouldn't be ashamed of your granddaughter. She's just an innocent child."

"I'm not ashamed. You know how it is. This is a touchy situation."

Tommy's daughter got knocked up nine months ago. She had been fifteen at the time, and her surprise pregnancy prompted her to drop out of school. Korean Christians are very conservative, and unwanted pregnancies are still a huge deal over here. Asian people are big on shame. But what can you do? Sometimes, teenagers have sex and stuff happens. You got to forgive them eventually.

I said, "Don't feel too bad. My son is a bigger knucklehead than your daughter."

"Rice-Boy Larry?"

I shook my head. "No, Nurse Ken."

"What did he do?"

"The idiot has been growing psychedelic mushrooms in his granny's house. Luckily, my niece caught him before he could continue with his stupidity. Long story short, all his drugs have been destroyed."

Tommy sighed heavily. "Hallelujah and praise Jesus." He suddenly pointed at me and snapped his fingers. "Do you remember Dr. Kim?"

I nodded. "Sure I do. He was a great guy."

Dr. Kim had been the principal at our school for several years before getting a better gig. He's now making big money at a private company. Everybody loved him back in the day. He had a great management style. He was firm but fair. 

Tommy said, "His daughters were fantastic. Smart. Well behaved. Funny. They both got accepted to great colleges. Ivy league schools. Did you know that?"

"I had no idea, but I'm not surprised. Those ladies were smart. I was their favorite teacher."

"I wonder what Dr. Kim's secret is. His kids are great, and ours are a couple of idiots."

I said, "Do you remember Pastor Shetland?"

"Yes."

"Well, his daughter was a chain-smoking alcoholic who was always misbehaving in public. She was also a macho lesbian. You know the type. A real diesel dyke who liked to dress in denim and plaid. I loved that girl and adored her dad. They made me feel so much better about myself."

I got home that night at 6 p.m. and watched the game between the San Francisco 49ers and the Seattle Seahawks. The 49ers won and clinched the division. They are now playoff bound. I'm a diehard Saints fan, but I enjoy the San Francisco team. Those boys play very physical, and their defense is hellacious. They really have a great chance to go all the way.

I walked to the bathroom and took a shit. I read the headlines on my smartphone while sitting on the throne. A warrant officer from Seoul sexually harassed a 23-year-old female soldier. She threatened to report him to his superiors, but he bullied her into submission with violent threats. Anyway, she ended up killing herself due to the trauma. The warrant officer has been given a two-year prison sentence for his bad behavior.

I turned on Netflix. I viewed a Meryl Streep movie called The River Wild. The film was dumb but in a fun kind of way. It's about a family being harassed by criminals during a white-water rafting trip. I'm not saying that you should go out of your way to watch it. Yet if you got nothing else to do, then why not?

I went to bed at 11 p.m. and slept like the dead.

 

The Widow and the Two Mites

Yesterday, I managed to piss off a Korean-American pastor who works at my school. It certainly wasn't my intention. In fact, I have a lot of respect for the clergy. I'm not a young man anymore, and soon I'll be dead. I want to make it to the Kingdom of Heaven, so I really have to watch my behavior.

The unfortunate incident started in the teachers' lounge. I was screwing around on my computer when he entered the room. We smiled at each other, and he took a seat at a nearby table. Then we struck up a conversation.

I said, "I attend church every week, but I never tithe."

He said, "Why do you refuse to give money to God?"

"I'm too poor. By the time the end of the month hits, I'm down to rice and beans. If I gave 10 percent of my salary, my family would starve."

He smiled. "Remember the story about the widow with the two copper coins?"

I nodded. "Yes, it certainly rings a bell."

"Well, she was poor like you. But that didn't stop her from giving to the church."

"I don't think that's the proper analysis of that particular tale. The widow isn't meant to be celebrated. Quite the contrary. She's the victim of a corrupt system and actually believes that her offering will bring good luck. It's proof that the prosperity gospel was alive and well in ancient times. Never in a million years would Jesus want widows or orphans to give away their last two pennies to greedy priests."

He gave me the stink eye. "I've never heard that interpretation before. Your words aren't biblically sound. She's a good person because she gave everything she had to God. She'll get all that money back ten times over."

I shook my head gently. "No offense, pastor, but I think you're wrong. In the very next paragraph, Jesus turns to his disciple and says that he's going to tear the temple down. So why would he encourage this woman to continue giving money to a sinful organization which he intends to destroy?"

His face turned beet red, and you could practically see the steam coming off the top of his head. He tried to smile, but it was more of a snarl. "I don't want to talk about it. You're mangling the bible on purpose."

"Have you heard John MacArthur's interpretation?"

"I have no interest in what John has to say. I'm not a fan of Pastor MacArthur."

He gave me the silent treatment for the next twenty minutes, and I wisely decided not to pursue the subject any further. I consider this man a potential friend, and the last thing I want to do is to screw up our relationship over a disagreement. He can keep giving his 10 percent if he wishes. It makes no difference for him. His family is loaded. But I'm a pauper, so the church will have to get its money from somebody else. Case closed.

I got home at 6 p.m. and had a sudden bout of diarrhea. 95 percent of my diet is comprised of fruit and raw eggs, so I seldom have a solid bowel movement. Anyway, I read the headlines on my phone while taking a shit. A 26-year-old man from Seoul was accused of raping his girlfriend by his girlfriend's mother. In retaliation, he went to Mom's apartment and stabbed her to death with a butcher knife. He also stabbed her fourteen-year-old son, injuring the boy quite seriously. For his crime, the villain was sentenced to life in prison. Seems fair to me.

I went to bed later that night at 10 p.m. I slept like the dead.