Learning Korean

 

(I am much too stupid to learn Korean.)

Yesterday afternoon, I went to the teachers' lounge to enjoy a cup of coffee. While sipping on my beverage, I struck up a conversation with one of my fellow educators. His name is Brian, and he teaches math to middle school students.

I said, "Are you coming back next year?"

He shook his head. "I'm not sure."

"Do you have some better offers?"

He smiled. "Actually, I want to return, but the vice principal hasn't offered me a new contract yet. She's a little angry."

"Why? You seem like a nice-enough kid."

"I downloaded some games on my work computer, and she says that my behavior is unprofessional. I also missed too many days. According to her, anyway."

"I wouldn't worry. I'm sure that she'll hire you back. Math people are hard to find."

"Oh, I'm not worried. In fact, I told her to fire me if she can find somebody better. I could snap my fingers and have a another job by sundown. I'm young, and I'm smart. So fuck her, and fuck the horse she rode in on."

I did my best to chuckle at his comments. "It's probably not a good idea to taunt her."

He shot me a haughty look. "Do I look nervous?"

And even though he's an asshole, Brian is absolutely correct. It's easy to get teaching gigs throughout Korea if you're young, skinny, and white. Those are the kinds of people which make the principals and vice principals salivate. However, as you get older, it becomes a titanic struggle to find a new gig that's worth half a shit. That's why I never rock the boat. I'm 54 fucking years old. So if I get fired, my next employer will be Walmart.

I got home that evening at 6 p.m. I went to my room and viewed the game between the New Orleans Pelicans and the Milwaukee Bucks. The Pelicans lost again. This is their fourth defeat in a row. But all the games have been close. And soon Brandon Ingram will be back in the line up. New Orleans is a dangerous team, but the players have to remain healthy if they have any shot of going to the promised land.

I went to bed at 10 p.m. and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I had a strange dream about trying to visit Poland. The people in the airport wouldn't let me on the plane due to heavy snow. And here's the funny thing. I've never been to Poland in my life. Nor do I have any desire to go. Not that I have anything against the country. It's just that I have no friends or relatives who live there.

I woke up at 6 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone as I took a shit. Eighty percent of naturalized Koreans claim that they've been discriminated against while living on the peninsula. However, more than 90 percent say that they love living in the country and have no plans to move back home.

I've been a resident of Korea for almost fifteen years. I'm a huge fan of this nation. With that sad, I feel a tad ashamed that I never learned the language. But it wasn't for lack of trying. I'm simply too stupid to learn Korean. It's a real linguistic motherfucker. Smarter men than me have failed.