Animal Love

 

(Marriage isn't easy.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A 52-year-old man from Incheon attacked a nine-year-old boy in broad daylight. In fact, he beat the kid so severely that the victim was hospitalized for two weeks. But this isn’t the only innocent child he has assaulted. He also kicked the crap out of a girl about a year ago for no apparent reason. The police managed to track him down using CCTV. The peninsula is covered with cameras.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Many countries across the globe have taken a pledge to do away with gasoline-powered cars by 2035. They claim that this is to help the environment, but Jesse Watters says it’s nothing more than a transfer of money to the wealthy. He believes that the powers-that-be are switching to lithium-powered automobiles because of cheap labor. The mineral is mainly located in Africa and China, so it’s easier to work the people to death for low wages in those nations. Usually, I have nothing but contempt for Mr. Watters. He’s just a pretty face with a fantastic head of hair. But in this case, I agree with him wholeheartedly.

The Dragon Lady looked at me. “I have da soh troat. I hope I not have Covid again.”

I said, “Go to the doctor. My health insurance is magnificent.”

“No, I not need da doctah. I aleady have da medicine. It powahfuh.”

I shrugged. “Why let my best benefit go to waste? Give Dolly a bone and sneak out of the apartment for a checkup. The dog won’t mind. Make it a duck wing. Trust me. She won’t even notice that you’re gone.”

My puppy is crazy about dried-out duck wings. You can buy a pack of them at the grocery store across the street for less than five bucks. She’ll munch on those things all day long without giving you a second glance.

The Dragon Lady shook her head. “I tole you! I not go doctah. It impossible. If I have da Covid, den I can’t reave da apartment for five day.”

I sighed heavily. “Well, I no idea what to tell you.”

“Asshoe.”

I’ve been married to my old lady for close to a quarter century. And I’ve been completely miserable for all of those years. Yet perhaps our marriage isn’t that bad. I mean, most of the people I know in this world are either divorced or happily widowed. For instance, I thought my mother might break out in a song and dance routine after cancer killed my father. It’s not like she misses the old bastard. In fact, she’s never even visited his grave a single time.

And I’m not slagging Mom in the least. She’s my best friend on this entire planet. It’s simply that men and women haven’t exactly gotten along swimmingly since God created us. If we did, the rate of separation wouldn’t be hovering at fifty percent. In the old days, we were forced to stay together because we’d be stoned to death for adultery if we decided to split up. But times have changed with women’s rights and what not.

My day at work went well. I’m still teaching the story about the little girl who is moving to America and leaving her dog behind in the old country. The children are all broken up and teary eyed over the tale. And who can blame them? Everybody loves animals.

Math and Science

(Literature isn't for pussies.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. Many Koreans still visit shamans in order to learn their destiny. And it ain’t cheap. It can cost thousands of dollars to have these assholes read your future. In one instance, a woman didn’t have the money to pay her witchdoctor. So she was forced into prostitution in order to make restitution. I stay far away from this type of nonsense. Quite frankly, it scares me. I’m one of those fundamentalists who still believes that mediums and necromancers should be burned at the stake. But hey, that’s me.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Senile Joe gave a brief press conference after the Christian kids were gunned down by the transvestite in Tennessee. He began his speech by laughing and joking about ice cream. The panel of The Five thought his behavior was unseemly. Well, no shit, Sherlock. But here’s the truth. Biden and the scum who surround him only care about power. Consequently, the world is divided into friends and enemies. The victims of this mass slaughter are evangelicals, so our president doesn’t give a flying fuck less about their lives. In the president’s mind, all MAGA filth deserve the same fate.

Dolly the dog came prancing into my room. She brought me a sock, and we began playing fetch. My puppy is back to her old self. In fact, she’s full of piss and vinegar which is a huge load off my soul.

The Dragon Lady said, “Are you da stoopid man? Dorry have da stich in da stomach. Maybe you keel her.”

I nodded. “Good point.”

The last thing I want to do is hurt my pooch. She’s getting those stitches out in another week. So I’m going to take it easy until she’s 100 percent.

I scratched her ear. “No roughhousing for you, Dolly. If you die, I’m going to jump right out the fucking window.”

My wife shot me the stink eye. “Idiot.”

“I know I’m stupid. Look who I married. No need for reminders.”

I drove to school with Rice-Boy Larry. We called my mother while tooling down the highway.

She said, “Larry, you look terrible. What’s wrong with you?”

He said, “I have a cold. Plus I haven’t been getting enough sleep.”

“Why?”

He sighed heavily. “It’s all the homework. We get piles of the stuff.”

“Well, you tell those teachers to lighten the load. If they refuse, I’ll fly over there tomorrow and personally kick their asses.”

“Granny, you don’t understand Korea. It’s a nation filled with toil and misery.”

“Then tell your dad to move over here.”

I said, “It’s tempting. But I don’t know if my pride can handle it. I’m too old to be living with my mommy and working at the Waffle House.”

My day went well. I’m reading a new story with the middle school. It’s about a girl who grows up in the Dominican Republic back when it was ruled by dictators. Her dad is on the government’s shitlist, so she moves to America with her family. Sadly, however, she is forced to leave her puppy behind.

I looked at the class with a mournful gaze. “These types of tales always kill me. Have any of you read Old Yellar?”

They all said no.

I cleaned my glasses with a tissue. “It’s about a beautiful dog who contracts rabies. At the end of the story, the family is forced to blow its head off with a rifle.”

There was a collective squeal of horror.

I slowly put my glasses back in place. “Tell me about it. Literature ain’t pretty. You want my advice? Stick to science and math.” 

Day of Rage

 

(Being angry isn't an excuse for bad behavior.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A 13-year-old Korean orphan moved in with his aunt and uncle after his parents died. The kid is plagued with a low IQ, but he’s big and strong just like Lenny in Steinbeck’s famous tale, Of Mice and Men. Anyway, his aunt told him to stop playing video games, and junior went completely nuts. In fact, he beat the woman to death with his fists. He’s currently in custody undergoing observation at a mental hospital, but because of his age, no criminal charges will be filed. On the peninsula, minors under 14 aren’t held responsible for their actions.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. A nutty transvestite from Tennessee lost her marbles and stormed into a Christian school with a couple of assault rifles. Sadly, she shot and killed six people in total before the cops arrived and blew her head off. Three of the victims were only nine years old. This slaughter happened 48 hours before a planned day of rage is scheduled to be held by the transgender community in Washington D.C. Coincidence? Well, let’s hope so. The last thing my country needs is an army of angry crossdressers mowing down innocent civilians on the street. What’s next? Flying monkeys?

The Dragon Lady looked at me. “I take da midterm exams for many day next month.”

I shrugged. “OK, we should manage without you. It’s not forever, right?”

“But what about Dorry?”

“What about her? The puppy will be fine on her own while you’re at school.”

“Maybe I put her in da doggy hotel.”

“That’s too expensive. Just leave her in the living room with lots of bones. Trust me. Dolly will manage.”

Korea has hotels for pets. They are fancy kennels where the animals get to play with each other under the watchful eyes of a human chaperone. But they cost thirty bucks a day. Maybe even more. And I don’t have that kind of cash. Like I’ve said a million times, I’m a broke dead dick. And to make matters worse, none of you fuckheads and retards are buying my novel. I fear that I’ll eventually be buried in a potter’s field. I shit you not.

On the bright side, work went well. I shot the crap with my high schoolers.

I said, “The Tell-Tale Heart is a truly disgusting story. For instance, some poor old coot who never did a thing to anybody gets murdered and dismembered before being buried under the floorboards. So why do you think people still read it?”

One girl raised her hand. “To understand the mind of the author.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

Silence.

I cleared my throat. “Sometimes, the human condition is completely messed up. And a good writer refuses to bury this truth under the rug. Look at what just happened in America. A mentally ill woman who wanted to be a man gunned down a bunch of innocent children and oldsters at a private Christian school in Tennessee. I mean, what kind of crap is that? But it happens all the time.”

A boy raised his hand. “Do you think that Edgar Allen Poe was a psychopath? He produced some very bleak stories.”

I smiled at him. “No, Edgar wasn’t some soulless criminal who got his jollies by hurting people. He loved his wife, and he was a respected member of the Baltimore community. He simply knew the kind of material that tickles our fancy. He remains popular because he’s entertaining.”

Later that evening, I got home at 6 p.m. and ate dinner with my family. We had chicken and hot rolls. The food was terrific.  

A Raging River

(You are who you are.)

I woke up this morning at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A man from Nigeria moved with his family to Korea in order to open an import-export business. Unfortunately, the Covid shutdowns all but bankrupted them, and they were forced to inhabit a slum in a city called Ansan. A fire broke out in the middle of the night due to faulty wiring, and four of his children died in the flames. His daughters were aged 4 and 11, and his sons were only 6 and 7. My heart sincerely goes out to the poor son of a bitch. How does a person recover from that?

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox news. Young people in America are no longer patriotic. And here's the weird thing. I might be an old geezer, but I don't blame them a bit. The ultra-rich assholes who rule our nation have moved all the jobs to Asia. The only things left are service gigs and sales positions. To make matters worse, these children are loaded down with crushing debt by the age of 22. And if that weren't enough, our government is constantly feeding the war machine with the blood of service men who are usually from poor and working-class families. Fuck those elite scumbags, and fuck the horses they rode in on. Am I right, or am I whistling dixie? I truly don’t know.

I called my mom using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “I’m officially off Trump.

She’s a huge fan of Orange Donald, and the news disappointed her.

Mom said, “He’s the best president ever. Why are you so bitter?”

“What he said about Stormy Daniels put me off my dinner.”

“I’m at a loss here. Clue me in.”

“He called her a horse-faced liar.”

She cackled like a witch. “Take it from an old woman. Stormy is nothing but a worthless slut looking for another handout.”

“That might be true. But you know deep down in your twisted heart that he had sex with her.”

“I don’t know any such thing. I take the president at his word.”

“C’mon, for Christ’s sake. Donald is lying. He was all over that pussy like flies on poop.”

She cringed at my bad language. “First of all, I’m your mother. So please try to curtail your profanities for the love of God. Secondly, were you in the room when they were bumping uglies?”

“No.”

“Well, there you go. It’s a case of he said, she said,”

“I’m with Meatball Ron all the way in 2024.”

“Nurse Ken is hoping that Kanye West will be our next president.”

“Kanye West? Talk about a crazy black man. Why in the world would Ken vote for such a lunatic?”

“You know how your son is. He’s obsessed with the issue of Zionist aggression.”

I shook my head disdainfully. “I told him a million times that the blood of The Tribe gushes through our veins like a raging river. So being an anti-Semite seems a bit suicidal to me. At least in his case. It’s sort of like an African American joining the KKK.”

She shrugged and sighed heavily. “Ken’s a strange man. But what can I do?”

I had no answer to give her.

On the bright side, my day at work went well. I’m currently reading The Tell-Tale Heart with my high school students. They grimaced and let out a collective moan when the psychotic protagonist murdered the old man and dismembered his body. Nevertheless, they got a real kick out of the story. Good for them.

Iron-Fisted Dictators

(Korea used to be at the mercy of dictators.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 7 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. South Korea was formerly ruled by iron-fisted dictators back in the day. One of them was named Chun Doo-Hwan. Along with throwing innocent people out of helicopters, he also stole a ton of cash. Anyway, President Chun’s grandson used some of that money to move to America where he developed a taste for drugs. The kid can currently be found all over the internet going on drug-fueled YouTube rants.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Orange Donald gave a rousing speech in Waco, Texas which attracted 15,000 spectators. Love him or hate him, Trump can certainly pull in a crowd. His detractors say that he picked Waco as a warning to his enemies. In other words, he’s willing to get violent if he doesn’t get his way. Of course, this is all bullshit. Along with laughing at the libtards, Donald took some swipes at Meatball Ronny. The former president accused DeSantis of being friends with Paul Ryan. And that’s quite the insult. All of us America-first types hate Paul with a passion.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “How’s Dolly the dog?”

I said, “Not too good.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“She’s lethargic. And sometimes she even walks aimlessly in circles.”

“You should take her outside. That pooch could use some sunshine.”

“She’s not an outside dog. In fact, she cries incessantly whenever we travel with her in the car.”

“Well, Dolly has to get used to it. You need to train her properly.”

I sighed heavily. “I can’t be bothered with all that shit. If she wants to go out, I’ll take her out. But if she wants to stay inside, then I’m not going to force her.”

“That’s abuse.”

“How the hell is that abuse? Some dogs are inside dogs, and other dogs are outside dogs. So what can I do? I didn’t make the rules.”

Later in the day, I decided to walk to church. It’s only three miles away, and I need as much exercise as I can get. Rice-Boy Larry didn’t come with me. He’s currently suffering from a cold which seems damn near impossible to shake. He’s had it now for a good five days. It’s because he never sleeps. He’s usually too busy studying. I shit you not. That’s what happens when you live in Korea. Nobody rests.

Anyway, it took a good hour to get to my destination, and I felt fine except for my back. It always gets as stiff as a board if I stand up too long. I’m hoping I can cure this ailment by walking as much as possible. I want to grow old gracefully which is difficult to do if you’re always racked with nagging aches and pains.

The sermon was the same old, same old. We’re still on the Book of Isiah. The prophet used to walk through the city streets as naked as a jaybird to make his point about the ancient world’s ungodly behavior. I shit you not. Furthermore, he met his grisly end by being cut in half with a wooden saw by one of Jerusalem’s angry kings. The brute who ordered the murder was named Manasseh. He got sick and tired of being badmouthed by God’s messenger. 

Dolly the Dog

 

(Animals make me happy.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. There’s a two-year-old zebra named Sero who lives at a zoo in Seoul. Sadly, both of his parents died, and he took their passing very hard—becoming aggressive and obstinate. He now fights with his kangaroo neighbors and refuses to sleep in the barn. Anyway, Sero escaped from his pen and began wandering the streets of the city. He was eventually tranquilized and returned to his home.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. A bunch of tornadoes ripped through Mississippi killing twenty people. When crap like this happens, I begin questioning the existence of God. But luckily I remember the words of Jesus Christ. In the gospels, Jesus talks about the collapse of a synagogue which caused a ton of death and despair. He tells his disciples that we live in a fallen world and that we never know when our time is up. Therefore, it’s important to remain spiritually prepared.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “I’m not voting in 2024, but I’ve decided to root for Meatball Ron.”

She said, “Who’s Meatball Ron.”

“DeSantis. He hasn’t made it with porno stars, and he doesn’t appear to be a narcissist. Plus I think he’s smarter than Trump.”

“Donald’s not a narcissist.”

“Of course he is. That’s why he’s always in trouble. Can you imagine the balls on a guy who tells his vice president to overturn the election?”

“But Biden didn’t win. There’s no way in hell that he got 81 million votes.”

“I agree. But it goes further than that. Look at that idiot Michael Flynn. He talked to the FBI without having a lawyer present. Even a student in elementary school has more sense than that.”

“Well, I’m behind Donald all the way. He’s the best president in the history of our nation.”

“Don’t get me wrong. I’ll support him if he wins the nomination. Yet Meatball Ron is my man.”

“Why don’t you vote? All you got to do is send your ballot in.”

“I can’t be bothered. Everything is difficult when you live overseas. I simply don’t have the energy.”

Later that morning, the Dragon Lady took Dolly the dog to the vet. Rice-Boy Larry went with her. We’ve been trying to get Dolly fixed for the last few weeks, but her enzyme levels have been too high to perform the surgery.

I said, “I hope they do it this time.”

She said, “I aflaid. Da doctah make me sign da papah saying dat Dolly might die and he not responsibah.”

“I wouldn’t worry. It’s a normal procedure. He probably makes everyone sign the same form.”

After they left, I enjoyed some adult entertainment. I don’t view porn as much as I used to, but I still switch it on every once in a while. It’s tough to resist. Beautiful naked ladies are only a click away.

My wife returned in the afternoon. Dolly was in rough shape. She kept walking in circles and crying like a baby. Plus she has to wear one of those silly cones around her head for the next two weeks. The doctor is afraid that she might rip out her stitches.

Government Service

 

(All Korean men are forced to join the military.)

Yesterday, I had another strange dream. I was giving a speech in front of my colleagues, but my ass was itching something fierce. So I kept scratching it and sniffing my fingers. Needless to say, the audience went completely nuts. They hooted and howled and called me filthy names. Yet their insults had no effect on my psyche. I simply laughed and laughed and laughed.

The alarm sounded at 6 a.m., and I drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A Korean named Do Kwon started a cryptocurrency company called Luna. He bilked investors out of billions of dollars before his business crashed and burned. He is currently sitting in a jail cell in Serbia awaiting extradition back to the peninsula. But that’s the least of his concerns. Uncle Sam also wants to throw him in prison for his financial crimes. Final analysis? Do Kwon is totally screwed.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Everyone is still waiting for District Attorney Alvin Bragg to slap the cuffs on Orange Donald. However, Bragg hasn’t pulled the trigger so far, leading many to believe that Trump is off the hook. I’m beginning to wonder if I should support Ronny Meatball in 2024. He doesn’t appear to be surrounded by loads and loads of drama. Plus I like his opinions on the war in the Ukraine. DeSantis is against sending money to Zelinsky. The debates will probably determine my stance in the future.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “Nurse Ken is going to Colorado in July.”

I said, “Colorado? I thought he was coming to Korea.”

“He is. Don’t worry. But he plans to visit you after Colorado.”

“What’s with Colorado? He doesn’t even ski?”

“He likes hanging out with his friends.”

I shrugged. “That makes sense. It’s going to be hot when he lives with us during the summer. The government jacked up the price of electricity, so we might not be able to afford the air conditioner.”

“That sounds horrible.”

“Trust me. It is. Korea sucks giant ass in August.”

“He wants to get a job for a month teaching English. You know, to earn some extra money.”

I shook my head. “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. The powers-that-be might force him to go into the army if he starts making a wage.”

Nurse Ken has dual citizenship. And we keep getting letters in the mail reminding us of his mandatory government service. Korean men are required to serve in the military for eighteen months. Yet things are different for kids who are half white. The people in charge don’t know what to do with Caucasians. I sincerely doubt that they'd give Ken a gun, so he’d probably end up working in the post office to fulfill his duty. The post office is where the government puts all the fuckheads and retards. Therefore, my son should fit right in with the other losers.

I changed the subject. “I see that lots of dead whales are washing up on the beaches of New Jersey. Tucker Carlson is blaming it on the offshore windmills.”

“I believe him. Tucker is a sharp guy.”

“I’m a big fan of his show, too. I watch it religiously on YouTube.”

My day at work went well. It’s a blessing to have a job that you actually enjoy. I’m just happy that I don’t work in a cubicle.

Cheap Grace

(I'm hoping that cheap grace will get me into the Kingdom.)

Yesterday, I had a strange dream. My class caught me trying to put in my dentures. They started going crazy, and they began getting verbally abusive, calling me a disgusting creature. I turned to them with tears in my eyes and explained that I had been in a car accident years ago and had lost most of my teeth during a head-on collision. Their attitudes changed completely. They patted me on the back and told me what I champion I was.

The alarm sounded at 6 a.m. I drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee and read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. An old farmer from the town of Pocheon owns thousands of pigs. So he hired an illegal immigrant from Thailand to help him with the daily chores. The worker suddenly died, yet the farmer never contacted the proper authorities. Instead, he dug a hole and threw the body into the ground, covering the remains with a backhoe. The police arrested the man for improper disposal of a corpse.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. The American government is thinking about banning TikTok, and this has me all hot under the collar. I know that TikTok is a tool of the Chinese government, but who the fuck is Uncle Sam to tell us what we’re allowed to watch? I’m an oldster, so I’ve never used this app in my entire life. Therefore, I have no axe to grind one way or the other. I simply get upset when right-wing nutjobs and progressive libtards treat us like we’re children. Hey, assholes! Keep your fucking hands off my social media and my porn.

My day at work went well. I talked bullshit with my high schoolers. That’s my favorite part of the job.

One of my students is named Marvin. He’s a real film buff.

I said, “Have you ever seen Kill Bill?”

He nodded. “Of course. I’m a huge fan of Quentin Tarantino. I like all his movies.”

“I’ve been enjoying a Korean show called The Glory. It reminds me of Kill Bill. It features a female protagonist looking for revenge. Plus the story has a fable-like quality embedded in the narrative.”

“I refuse to view Korean cinema.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“But you’re Korean!”

“Technically, that’s not true. My mom and dad are Korean. But I spent most of my life in America.”

I decided not to argue.

During my lunch break, I turned on YouTube. One of my favorite channels is from a Christian named Mike Winger. A year ago, he posted a video about Pastor Brandon Robertson. Robertson is one of those LGBTQ+ libtards who is constantly trying to convince everyone that the bible is OK with homosexuality. In other words, being a sodomite isn’t a sin.

Of course, this is complete dross. But don’t get me wrong. I’m not here to wag my angry finger in anyone’s face. In fact, I fully understand Brandon’s motivation. I often pray to Jesus that cheap grace is enough to get me into the Kingdom of Heaven. I don’t have a problem with faith. Most of my issues come down to obedience. Demons are hard to shake, so I often read Romans 10:9 to keep my spirits up. 

Spit and Shame

(The world is filled with weirdos.)

Yesterday, I had a strange dream. I was back in Texas with my mother, and we were spectators at a rodeo. Real country type of stuff. I went to a concession stand and ordered a hotdog. I told the woman behind the counter that I wanted it plain. She handed me a dog covered in cheese. I immediately threw it into a garbage receptacle and stormed away angrily.

The alarm went off at 6 a.m., and I drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A Korean soldier living in Pusan kept walking up to strange women and asking them to spit in his face. When they refused, he begged them for used cigarette butts. Something about female saliva seems to get him off. Anyway, the authorities showed up and arrested the pervert. He was fined $115 for his strange conduct.

I ate hash browns and watched Fox News. There was a huge riot at a shopping mall in San Francisco involving out-of-control teens. These kids went completely nuts and started beating the crap out of innocent bystanders. Many of the victims were Asian. Everybody is afraid to tell the truth. The vast majority of violent street crime in America is committed by black and Hispanic males. So let’s drop all this white-supremacy bullshit.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “I’m thinking of buying Nurse Ken a house when he gets out of college.”

I said, “That’s very nice of you. Where are you going to live?”

“In my condo.” She took a long pull from her water bottle. “That’s the only way to avoid a capital-gains nightmare. I’ll sell the place I’m living in now and get him a three-bedroom home just down the street.”

“It’s a nice gesture, yet we might all be dead by the time he graduates.”

“Don’t say that! He’s a good student. His grades are fantastic.”

“True. But he’s certainly taking his sweet time to get this degree.”

“That’s just the way kids are. They simply don’t realize that everyone on the earth has an expiration date.”

“Make sure to put the property in his name alone. I don’t want to be on the title. That way the Dragon Lady has no claim to it.”

“Smart thinking.” She took another swig from the bottle. “Are you moving back here or not?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Well, I’ve been working out and losing weight. But my back is still killing me.”

“What does your back have to do with the price of tea in China.”

“I still need to work even though I’m old. And those shifts at Waffle House are between eight to ten hours long. So I definitely have to get used to standing for extended periods of time.”

“Nothing says that you have to take a shit job. Waffle House is for fuckheads and retards. There are other opportunities out there.”

“Let’s wait and see what happens. Life is mysterious.”

Living in Korea isn’t the greatest thing in the world. However, I have wonderful health insurance and a free three-bedroom apartment. Plus I don’t have to deal with the burning shame of being an old geezer relying on his mommy for food and shelter. I’m not sure if my psyche could handle such a thing. 

No Beef for Me

 

(I'm a peace-loving man.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. One of the biggest hits currently on Netflix is a Korean show called The Glory. It’s about a woman who was bullied in middle school by her sadistic school mates. She is now a public-school teacher and swears revenge upon her former tormentors. Bullying is a huge issue here on the peninsula. And I admit that it’s a serious problem. Nevertheless, sometimes you just have to let go of the past and get on with your life.

I ate hash browns for breakfast and watched Fox News. The world is beginning to realize that Dr. Tony Fauci is actually an evil little dwarf rather than the magnanimous savior portrayed by the mainstream media. Tony and his friend Francis Collins funded a lab that released a terrible disease on the people of this planet. It killed over seven million poor old bastards. Hell, I caught the virus myself about six months ago, and it was certainly no walk in the part. In my humble opinion, Fauci and his butt buddy both belong in a jail cell.

I talked to my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “I finally got through to Nurse Ken the other night.”

“What did he say?”

“He screamed at me.”

“Why?”

“I asked him how his girlfriend is doing, and he told me that he doesn’t have a romantic partner.”

Mom smiled. “Ken doesn’t like to talk about her.”

“How come?”

“I guess he’s shy.”

“So are they an item or not?”

“According to him, she already has a boyfriend.”

“Then what were the both of them doing smoking marijuana on your patio together.”

She shrugged. “In my opinion, she’s sending out signals, but your boy is hesitating to take the bait. Maybe she’s decided to move on with her life.”

“Well, it’s his personal business, and I’m certainly not going to interfere.”

My day at work went well. I am currently reading a short story with my high schoolers called The Use of Force. Its author is the famous poet William Carlos Williams. I’m a huge fan of the tale. It’s a about a little girl with diphtheria who is driving her doctor up the wall. She won’t let him take a throat culture, so the protagonist has no choice but to become physical. Along with being a celebrated poet, William Carlos Williams was also a pediatrician in New Jersey back in the day.

I looked at the class. “Has anyone ever seen the movie Dirty Harry?”

One boy raised his hand. “I saw it with my mother. It was on Netflix recently.”

“Did you like it?”

“Very much.”

“Well, Inspector Callahan has a similar problem. A little girl is in danger, and Harry uses torture to learn her location. Sadly, she’s dead by the time he finds her.”

A teen named Wanda said, “Torture is never justified under any circumstance. We are past that point in our evolution.”

I said, “Suppose a North Korean plants a nuclear device in Seoul? What? You wouldn’t rip out his fingernails to find where it is?”

She shot me the stink eye. “No, I wouldn’t.” Then she crossed her arms angrily over her chest.

I don’t like to upset the kids, so I let it go. The last thing I need is for her parents to make a beef with the school over little old me. That wouldn’t bode well for my future.

One of Those Things

 

(You never truly know when your time is up.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A Korean couple got into a huge fight as they were driving through the city of Cheongju. The conflict got so heated that the husband stopped his car right in the middle of the road. Sadly, he was promptly rear-ended by a giant bus, and the violent collision killed his spouse instantly. He, on the other hand, miraculously emerged from the accident unscathed. Some guys have all the luck.

I ate hash browns for breakfast and watched Fox News. Ron DeSantis and Donald Trump are involved in a feud. Ron brought up Donald’s affair with a pornstar, and Trump immediately fired back by insinuating that DeSantis once had sex with a man. The rivalry between these two political heavyweights is going to be one for the ages. I can’t wait until the debates roll around. I’m already preparing the popcorn.

I drove to work with Rice-Boy Larry. We called my mother during the journey.

She said, “I finally went grocery shopping.”

I said, “Did you buy anything good?”

“Not really. Everything costs a fortune around here.”

“Did Nurse Ken help you shop?”

“He was sleeping all day. But he got called into work at 4 p.m. One of the employees is sick.”

“We’ve got a nasty bug circulating around the school, too.”

“Is it Covid?”

“I don’t think so. Everybody in my neck of the woods has already had the disease.”

She focused her attention on Larry. “How are your grades doing?”

He shrugged. “OK, I guess. We haven’t had many tests yet.”

“You look tired.”

I said, “He’s always tired. The poor boy is a joyless lump of clay.”

Mom laughed. “Is that true, Larry? Are you a joyless lump, or is your dad full of crap?”

“I don’t know. Maybe a little bit of both. I’m only joyless today because I didn’t get enough sleep. I had to study for a Korean test.”

She nodded her approval. “It’s good to work hard. It gives you character. Is Korean difficult?”

I said, “Difficult? It’s his mother language. And he keeps failing all the tests.”

“I’m not failing the tests. Last year, I made a C-plus in the course.”

His news shocked me. “A C-plus? My mistake. I was certain that you had gotten an F.”

Mom said, “See! You’re not half as smart as you think you are.”

My day at work went well. I’m reading a new story with the middle school students. It’s about a woman from Hong Kong who can’t speak English. She moves to New York and works in a sweat shop making dresses. In the tale, she gets lost on the subway and has to get help from a college student who doesn’t understand a word of Cantonese. Lots of writers are progressive libtards. Yet they’re still talented individuals with many gifts to share with the world. So I try not to be too hateful.

Anyway, the protagonist’s female supervisor is a real asshole. She’s always giving the lady a hard time. Her bitchy boss is also a big fan of jade. She wears lots of rings featuring the green gem.

I looked at the students. “My English grandfather was superstitious just like the protagonist. He thought that jade was bad luck. In fact, it went further than that. He even refused to wear the color green in public.”

A girl named Veronica raised her hand. “He sounds like a nut. No offense.”

“Well, Gramps had a tough life. He was an Englishman who served in the navy during the 2^nd World War. His ship was sunk by a U-boat in the North Sea.”

“Did he die?”

“Yes, but not because of the Nazis. He fell off the roof of his house when he was in his 85 years old.”

“What was he doing way up there?”

“Trying to get better television reception by fiddling with the antenna.” I frowned and sighed. “It was just one of those things.”

Sin

(Am I a slave to sin?)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A 60-year-old geezer from Incheon purchased a slingshot from a local hobby shop. After that, he started shooting at his neighbors’ houses with steel ball bearings. He managed to shatter three windows before finally being nabbed by the police. He was promptly arrested and charged with vandalism. His excuse was this: He wanted to test the power of his new toy.

I ate hash browns as I watched Fox News. The president of Mexico says that Americans get stoned all the time because our family units are in a state of collapse. The talking heads at the network laughed at him, but I didn’t find his words funny in the least. In fact, they rang true to my ears. There are too many unloved children in my nation. And these broken homes often produce drug addicts and criminals.

I looked at the Dragon Lady. “Where’s Rice-Boy Larry?”

She said, “He still with da fliends.”

“Is he going to be back in time for church?”

She shrugged. “How I know?”

So I gave him a quick call.

I said, “When are you coming home?”

He said, “Not for a while.”

“What about church?”

“Don’t worry. I’m going with my classmates.”

“Are you throwing your poor old father to the wolves?”

“You’ll have to go by yourself this week. But we can attend next Sunday’s service together.”

I gave him my stiff-upper-lip routine. “OK. Not a problem. Have a good time.”

But here’s the God’s-honest truth. I felt crestfallen. I hate doing stuff when I’m alone. It depresses the fuck out of me. Yet I had better get used to it. My boys are all grown up, and they don’t want to spend the rest of their lives hanging around a broken-down old man like me. And there’s no point in crying like a baby. The world hands everybody a giant sack of shit from time to time. So what’s a daddy to do?

I turned to the Dragon Lady. “Do you want to go to church with me?”

She said, “Do you know me? Because I not know you.”

“I guess that’s a no.”

She nodded and smiled like the devil. “You are correct, sir.”

So I was forced to drive all by my lonesome. And let me tell you something. It’s not easy tooling around in a Korean city. The assholes who frequent Starbucks were blocking the streets, and I had to swerve in and out of traffic just to avoid them. No big surprise. Those pumpkin-latte motherfuckers are always causing trouble.

The sermon itself was the same old, same old. The pastor is still talking about the Book of Isaiah. He says that God has destroyed the prosperity of Egypt because the Muslims who inhabit the country steadfastly refuse to honor Christ. He gave us some shocking stats. Did you know that the average Egyptian makes less than $5,000 a year? Their paltry income is punishment for their lack of faith.

I struck up a conversation with him after the service.

I said, “I’ve been watching In the Name of God: Holy Betrayal on Netflix. It’s very entertaining.”

He frowned at me like I had just pissed in his hands. “I never watch R-rated movies.”

“Even documentaries?”

“They are sinful, and they might destroy my mind. Be careful. They can do the same to you.”

I decided to drop the subject. What’s the point of arguing? 

Insanity

 

(It's important to keep your dick up during rough times.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A family of five from Incheon was found dead in their apartment. The bodies of the three children and the wife were in the living room whereas the corpse of the husband was located in the bedroom. This positioning of the cadavers has led the cops to believe that the crime was a murder-suicide. According to them, a despondent Pops murdered his people and then took his own life.

I ate hash browns as I watched Fox News. The big story dominating the news cycle is that Orange Donald expects to be arrested on Tuesday. The district attorney of New York is named Alvin Bragg. He’s bringing charges against Trump for making a payoff to former pornstar Stormy Daniels back in the day. The exchange of money occurred seven years ago which means that the statute of limitations might come into effect. Final analysis? This is nothing more than another lame attempt to throw the Donald in jail.

The Dragon Lady came into my room.

She said, “My nephew go university soon.”

I nodded. “Good.”

“He school in Bwitish Corumbia.”

“So he’s moving to Canada?”

“That light. Canada. You know how much he pay?”

I shook my head. “I don’t care.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I don’t care. You’re just going to use the information to make me out to be a loser.”

“But you are da roosah. You money so small.”

“Fine. My money small.”

I took a sock from the drawer and turned it into a ball. Then I started throwing it to Dolly the dog. She chased it down several times and brought it back to me so that I could hurl it again. We were having a good time until my wife put her foot down.

She said, “What is dis? Are you da fucken idiot?”

I said, “Excuse me?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m playing fetch.”

“But dat da good sock. Letard.”

“Why are you calling me a retard. Everybody plays fetch with their puppies.”

“Put da sock back!”

I sighed heavily. “You know, I fucking hate living here.”

“Then get da divorce.”

“Great. Let’s do it. I’ll go back to America this summer.”

“Fine. We go to da oppice on Monday and get da pae-pah. Dis time, you sign.”

“I’m not taking another day off work to visit that office. I’ve already done it tons of times, and I always sign that fucking paper. You get the paper, and I’ll go to school.  Then I’ll sign when I get home.”

“I not you swave.”

I’m a good employee, and I never miss class if I can help it. But in the past, I’ve taken days off to visit the fucking courthouse in order to get our divorce papers. Yet she never goes through with it. She perpetually finds excuses to cling to me like a vampire. My money might be small, but there’s not another sucker in the world who is willing to keep her in Ding Dongs. And down deep, she knows it.

I drank another cup of coffee and put the fight out of my mind. Who gives a flying fuck, right? I refuse to let her constant insanity transform me into a drooling fuckhead. Life’s too short.

Keeping Quiet

 

(Sometimes, it's best to keep your mouth shut.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. President Yoon is trying to establish close ties with the nation of Japan. However, this has left many of the peninsula's citizens feeling nonplussed. Most Koreans hate the Japanese with a passion. And rightly so. They suffered terribly at the hands of Nippon’s imperial empire back in the day. In fact, lots of Korean women were forced into prostitution just to keep the Japanese soldiers happy. Those who protested such outrageous behavior were often tortured and killed.

I ate hash browns as I watched Fox News. Things aren’t going well in East Palestine, Ohio. The residents are afflicted with nonstop headaches, and the children are spitting up blood. Yet the government isn’t doing much to help. Instead, we’re giving our money to the brave fighters in the Ukraine. But those bastards in Ohio have it coming, right? After all, they had the audacity to vote for Orange Donald. Therefore, they deserve to be thrown to the wolves. That seems to be Joe Biden's take on the situation, anyway. His administration is chock full of political tricksters who hate white working-class Americans.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “I was supposed to go grocery shopping today.”

I said, “What happened?”

She shrugged. “I couldn’t be bothered. The thought of it turned my stomach.”

“So what did you do instead?”

“I went to Home Depot with Nurse Ken.”

“Did you have a good time?”

“Not bad. We bought some chemicals that are supposed to be good for the grass.”

“Well, it’s nice to get out of the house. How’s my boy doing?”

“He’s visiting his friend for dinner.”

“The blonde-headed girl?”

She shook her head. “No, the boy who’s dad is my doctor. The Cuban kid.”

I nodded. “Some of those Cubans are real movers and shakers.”

“Yes, they always seem to blossom when they come to America. Same with the Asians.”

Later that morning, I drove to work with Rice-Boy Larry. I tried having a conversation along the way, but I only got monosyllabic responses from my son. It was like trying to talk with Gary Cooper in High Noon. So I eventually decided to stop beating a dead horse. I actually enjoyed the silence. Go figure.

My day at work went well. I gave exams to the kids.

I looked at the seventh graders like a gunslinger. “I’m the hardest teacher at this institution. Most of you will fail this test.”

They let out a huge groan.

One boy said, “Don’t curse us! We’re good students. Most of us, anyway.”

I smiled at him. “We shall see.”

Of course, I was just joking. I have the reputation of being a pushover when it comes to grades. I’ve even gotten into hot water in the past because my assessments aren’t extremely challenging. But I don’t care. I didn’t fly 7,000 miles from home to fail a bunch of teenagers.

I marked the papers in the afternoon. A few of kids didn’t do very well. One got an F and the others got a D. So I’ve decided to keep my mouth shut in the future.

Savage Ennui

 

(I always try to get a kick out of life.)

Yesterday, I talked to my middle school students about the concept of savage ennui. I explained that General Zaroff in The Most Dangerous Game has a huge problem with boredom. So he needs constant stimulation to keep himself moving forward like a shark. Hence, he hunts humans as a type of sick psychotherapy. And my analysis is valid. Extreme boredom can lead to both acute and chronic mental illness in some individuals.

A guy named Ronny raised his hand. “Do you suffer from savage ennui?”

I pointed at myself and smiled. “Me? No way. I’m the complete opposite if you want to know the truth. Any little bit of excitement lights up my brain as if it were a pinball machine.”

“What’s a pinball machine?”

I sighed deeply. “Never mind. It’s not important.”

A girl named Jessica said, “Is tomorrow’s test going to be difficult?”

I nodded sympathetically. “That goes without saying. Sadly, many of you will fail.”

The class let out a collective moan of horror. Most of my students are Asian. They take their grades very seriously.

I threw my head back and laughed. “Don’t feel any anxiety. I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

Jessica said, “I’m not worried. I plan on getting an A+.”

“Well, let’s hope so. Because if you don’t, you’ll have to throw your dream of attending Harvard right in the toilet. Mark my words. This test will make you or break you. But like I said, try to relax.”

Later that morning, I had to take a shit. So I ran across the street to find a bathroom. I refuse to defecate in the school itself. Why? I’m afraid that someone will smell my foul odor and spread horrible rumors about the stench emanating from my asshole. And that’s the last thing I need. I’m a slave to my reputation.

I read the headlines on my smartphone while sitting on the throne. The amount of international marriages has gone up in Korea since the COVID ban was lifted. The majority of the brides hail from China, Vietnam, and Thailand. They marry Korean country boys in the hopes of a better life. Good for them.

At 11 a.m., I called my mother using Facebook Messenger. It was 9 p.m. Texas time.

I said, “I’m surprised you’re still awake.”

She said, “Actually, I’m about to go to bed. What’s up?”

“Nothing much. I’m still trying to get in touch with Nurse Ken. Is he at the house?”

“No, he’s working.”

“Has he been doing OK?”

“He’s got me all stressed out about this upcoming financial collapse. He keeps telling me that I should pull all my money from the bank.”

“Don’t listen to Ken. He’s a birdbrain.”

“Then my dough is safe?”

“Have no fear. The global governments won’t let the banks collapse in a million years.”

“What will they do?”

“Keep printing money until the cows come home. In fact, it might help your bottom line.”

“How so?”

“Raising interest rates is now off the table. So the price of all your real estate should go right through the roof.”

She shot me a big toothy grin. “Do you really think so?”

“I have no doubt in my mind.”

Mom giggled like a school girl. “That’s the best news that I’ve had in months.”

“Enjoy your success, and tell Nurse to go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.”

We laughed and laughed and laughed.

I eventually got home at 6 p.m. and changed into my jammies. Then I ate dinner with my family at the kitchen table. We had dumplings and vegetable pancakes. The food was pretty good. I washed it down with generic cola.

Overall, it wasn’t a terrible day. Things could always be worse. At least I wasn’t born in Djibouti.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

 

(Life is often short and brutal.)

Yesterday, I finished reading The Most Dangerous Game with my middle school students. The topic of elitism came up.

I said, “I guess everybody is elitist in some respect.”

A girl named Mary raised her hand. “It’s not right to think that you’re better than others. Under any circumstance!”

“Well, let’s suppose that once you get older, you fall in love with a soju bum. The guy doesn’t have a job, and he sits around on the sofa all day. And then you bring him home to your parents and announce your wedding plans. Do you think your dad is going to be happy? I would assume that he wants you to marry a doctor or a lawyer in the future.”

“That’s completely different.”

“How so?”

“Soju bums are responsible for their own actions. Looking down on them isn’t elitism.”

Another girl raised her hand. Her name is Kelly. “Lots of people in Korea drink soju. That doesn’t make them bums.”

I held up my hands in a sign of surrender. “You’re absolutely right. If some guy wants to have a little bit of booze after work, then I’m all for him. I’m talking about the poor souls who can’t control themselves. They don’t have a job or a house to call their own because they’re drunk all the time. Society has a tendency to look down upon those type of folk. Isn’t that a form of elitism?”

She didn’t respond. Instead, she just shot me a puzzled glance. I don’t blame her. There are no easy answers in life.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Most of the fuckheads and retards who read this blog have never stepped foot on the peninsula. So let me educate you. Soju is actually the most popular drink in the world. It is produced in Korea but sells like hotcakes all over Asia. You can buy it in America, too. However, it will cost you eight bucks for a small bottle. Yet you can get that very same bottle over here for $1.50 at the supermarket. It tastes like vodka.

I suppose that I’m a fortunate man. I never get depressed about going to work. In fact, I consider my place of employment an actual oasis away from the cares of my everyday life. It’s the endless banter. I adore it. Of course, it’s fortunate that my students don’t know that I’m full of shit on most topics. If they ever discover the truth about my low IQ, they’ll probably toss me right out the window.

I eventually got home at 6 p.m. and changed into my jammies. Then I ate dinner with my family. We had chicken kebabs and hot bread for the second day in a row. I consumed the food joyously and washed it down with a glass of generic cola. I’m a broke dead dick, so I can’t afford the good stuff.

After that, I ran to the bathroom to take a shit. (I continue to experience digestive problems these days.) I read the headlines on my smartphone as I sat on the throne. Two Liberian diplomats were given 9-year prison sentences for raping a couple of Korean middle-school girls at a hotel in Pusan. They tried claiming diplomatic immunity, but the Korean authorities refused to listen.

Later, I switched on Netflix. I’m still watching In the Name of God: Holy Betrayal. The current episode is focused on a bizarre crime that happened back in 1987. Thirty-two people were found dead in the attic of a large house. The incident was declared a mass suicide. However, there’s a growing consensus that all those folk might have been murdered. Here today, gone tomorrow.

The Cults of Korea

 

(There are a lot of religious cults on the peninsula.)

Yesterday, I got home from work at 6 p.m. and changed into my jammies. Then I ate dinner with my family. The meal consisted of chicken kebabs and hot dinner rolls. It was actually pretty damn good. I even cleaned the plate with my fat pink tongue.

The Dragon Lady shot me the stink eye as I lapped the grease off the dinnerware.

She said, “You da disgusting man.”

I shrugged. “Now that I’m on this diet, I need all the calories I can get. Sometimes, I’m so hungry that I feel like a North Korean.”

I went to my room and switched on Fox News. A black guy from Houston attacked an Asian lady. He picked her up and slammed her to the concrete floor. She is now paralyzed from the waist down. Needless to say, her family is very alarmed by this assault. Along with being a great mother, she’s also the primary breadwinner for her clan.

I have no idea why so many African Americans despise Orientals. When Nurse Ken was in elementary school, they used to call him a Chinese monkey. They got away with the racism because of the color of their skin. But even though he is currently 22 years old, my son still feels resentment toward them. The abuse he was forced to take sadly haunts him to this day.

Later, I began watching a documentary on Netflix. It’s called In the Name of God: A Holy Betrayal. The show is about the various religious cults on the peninsula. One organization is named JMS, and its leader is the famous pervert Myeong-Seok Jeong. This guy is a real piece of work. He has convinced thousands of Koreans that he is the new son of God, and he uses his power to have sex with a myriad of young attractive women. I have no idea how all those intelligent people have fallen for such a line of bullshit, but they have. They’re even willing to commit brutal acts of violence to protect their messiah.

I went to bed at 10 p.m. and slept like the dead. Then I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. After that, I called my mom using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “I’ve been trying to get in touch with Nurse Ken for several days, yet he never picks up the phone. Is he OK?”

She nodded. “Your boy is doing fine. He’s just a little worried that you might become angry at him.”

“Why?”

“He’s not taking one semester off of school. He’s actually taking two.”

“Man, that’s fucking stupid.”

“He won’t be able to sit for the HESI Exam until June, which doesn’t give him enough time to enroll for the fall semester. So he can’t start the nursing program until next February.”

I sighed heavily. “I’m not angry. It’s his life.”

“But there’s good news. He’s getting an extra fifty points tacked onto the score because of his high GPA. He’s also planning on travelling to Korea this summer.”

I smiled. “I just hope that the government doesn’t force him to join the army.”

“Well, don’t tell him that. He doesn’t need the stress.”

Ken is a dual citizen, and we keep getting letters in the mail reminding us about his mandatory national service. But according to the websites I’ve been reading, he won’t be drafted into the military as long as he doesn’t start earing money while visiting the peninsula. My son is a huge fan of Korea. He likes the country very much. He’s a real patriot—even though his language skills are a tad subpar. He can speak enough Korean to get by. However, his writing is atrocious.