Government Service

 

(All Korean men are forced to join the military.)

Yesterday, I had another strange dream. I was giving a speech in front of my colleagues, but my ass was itching something fierce. So I kept scratching it and sniffing my fingers. Needless to say, the audience went completely nuts. They hooted and howled and called me filthy names. Yet their insults had no effect on my psyche. I simply laughed and laughed and laughed.

The alarm sounded at 6 a.m., and I drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A Korean named Do Kwon started a cryptocurrency company called Luna. He bilked investors out of billions of dollars before his business crashed and burned. He is currently sitting in a jail cell in Serbia awaiting extradition back to the peninsula. But that’s the least of his concerns. Uncle Sam also wants to throw him in prison for his financial crimes. Final analysis? Do Kwon is totally screwed.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Everyone is still waiting for District Attorney Alvin Bragg to slap the cuffs on Orange Donald. However, Bragg hasn’t pulled the trigger so far, leading many to believe that Trump is off the hook. I’m beginning to wonder if I should support Ronny Meatball in 2024. He doesn’t appear to be surrounded by loads and loads of drama. Plus I like his opinions on the war in the Ukraine. DeSantis is against sending money to Zelinsky. The debates will probably determine my stance in the future.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “Nurse Ken is going to Colorado in July.”

I said, “Colorado? I thought he was coming to Korea.”

“He is. Don’t worry. But he plans to visit you after Colorado.”

“What’s with Colorado? He doesn’t even ski?”

“He likes hanging out with his friends.”

I shrugged. “That makes sense. It’s going to be hot when he lives with us during the summer. The government jacked up the price of electricity, so we might not be able to afford the air conditioner.”

“That sounds horrible.”

“Trust me. It is. Korea sucks giant ass in August.”

“He wants to get a job for a month teaching English. You know, to earn some extra money.”

I shook my head. “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. The powers-that-be might force him to go into the army if he starts making a wage.”

Nurse Ken has dual citizenship. And we keep getting letters in the mail reminding us of his mandatory government service. Korean men are required to serve in the military for eighteen months. Yet things are different for kids who are half white. The people in charge don’t know what to do with Caucasians. I sincerely doubt that they'd give Ken a gun, so he’d probably end up working in the post office to fulfill his duty. The post office is where the government puts all the fuckheads and retards. Therefore, my son should fit right in with the other losers.

I changed the subject. “I see that lots of dead whales are washing up on the beaches of New Jersey. Tucker Carlson is blaming it on the offshore windmills.”

“I believe him. Tucker is a sharp guy.”

“I’m a big fan of his show, too. I watch it religiously on YouTube.”

My day at work went well. It’s a blessing to have a job that you actually enjoy. I’m just happy that I don’t work in a cubicle.