One of Those Things

 

(You never truly know when your time is up.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A Korean couple got into a huge fight as they were driving through the city of Cheongju. The conflict got so heated that the husband stopped his car right in the middle of the road. Sadly, he was promptly rear-ended by a giant bus, and the violent collision killed his spouse instantly. He, on the other hand, miraculously emerged from the accident unscathed. Some guys have all the luck.

I ate hash browns for breakfast and watched Fox News. Ron DeSantis and Donald Trump are involved in a feud. Ron brought up Donald’s affair with a pornstar, and Trump immediately fired back by insinuating that DeSantis once had sex with a man. The rivalry between these two political heavyweights is going to be one for the ages. I can’t wait until the debates roll around. I’m already preparing the popcorn.

I drove to work with Rice-Boy Larry. We called my mother during the journey.

She said, “I finally went grocery shopping.”

I said, “Did you buy anything good?”

“Not really. Everything costs a fortune around here.”

“Did Nurse Ken help you shop?”

“He was sleeping all day. But he got called into work at 4 p.m. One of the employees is sick.”

“We’ve got a nasty bug circulating around the school, too.”

“Is it Covid?”

“I don’t think so. Everybody in my neck of the woods has already had the disease.”

She focused her attention on Larry. “How are your grades doing?”

He shrugged. “OK, I guess. We haven’t had many tests yet.”

“You look tired.”

I said, “He’s always tired. The poor boy is a joyless lump of clay.”

Mom laughed. “Is that true, Larry? Are you a joyless lump, or is your dad full of crap?”

“I don’t know. Maybe a little bit of both. I’m only joyless today because I didn’t get enough sleep. I had to study for a Korean test.”

She nodded her approval. “It’s good to work hard. It gives you character. Is Korean difficult?”

I said, “Difficult? It’s his mother language. And he keeps failing all the tests.”

“I’m not failing the tests. Last year, I made a C-plus in the course.”

His news shocked me. “A C-plus? My mistake. I was certain that you had gotten an F.”

Mom said, “See! You’re not half as smart as you think you are.”

My day at work went well. I’m reading a new story with the middle school students. It’s about a woman from Hong Kong who can’t speak English. She moves to New York and works in a sweat shop making dresses. In the tale, she gets lost on the subway and has to get help from a college student who doesn’t understand a word of Cantonese. Lots of writers are progressive libtards. Yet they’re still talented individuals with many gifts to share with the world. So I try not to be too hateful.

Anyway, the protagonist’s female supervisor is a real asshole. She’s always giving the lady a hard time. Her bitchy boss is also a big fan of jade. She wears lots of rings featuring the green gem.

I looked at the students. “My English grandfather was superstitious just like the protagonist. He thought that jade was bad luck. In fact, it went further than that. He even refused to wear the color green in public.”

A girl named Veronica raised her hand. “He sounds like a nut. No offense.”

“Well, Gramps had a tough life. He was an Englishman who served in the navy during the 2^nd World War. His ship was sunk by a U-boat in the North Sea.”

“Did he die?”

“Yes, but not because of the Nazis. He fell off the roof of his house when he was in his 85 years old.”

“What was he doing way up there?”

“Trying to get better television reception by fiddling with the antenna.” I frowned and sighed. “It was just one of those things.”