Animal Love

 

(Marriage isn't easy.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A 52-year-old man from Incheon attacked a nine-year-old boy in broad daylight. In fact, he beat the kid so severely that the victim was hospitalized for two weeks. But this isn’t the only innocent child he has assaulted. He also kicked the crap out of a girl about a year ago for no apparent reason. The police managed to track him down using CCTV. The peninsula is covered with cameras.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Many countries across the globe have taken a pledge to do away with gasoline-powered cars by 2035. They claim that this is to help the environment, but Jesse Watters says it’s nothing more than a transfer of money to the wealthy. He believes that the powers-that-be are switching to lithium-powered automobiles because of cheap labor. The mineral is mainly located in Africa and China, so it’s easier to work the people to death for low wages in those nations. Usually, I have nothing but contempt for Mr. Watters. He’s just a pretty face with a fantastic head of hair. But in this case, I agree with him wholeheartedly.

The Dragon Lady looked at me. “I have da soh troat. I hope I not have Covid again.”

I said, “Go to the doctor. My health insurance is magnificent.”

“No, I not need da doctah. I aleady have da medicine. It powahfuh.”

I shrugged. “Why let my best benefit go to waste? Give Dolly a bone and sneak out of the apartment for a checkup. The dog won’t mind. Make it a duck wing. Trust me. She won’t even notice that you’re gone.”

My puppy is crazy about dried-out duck wings. You can buy a pack of them at the grocery store across the street for less than five bucks. She’ll munch on those things all day long without giving you a second glance.

The Dragon Lady shook her head. “I tole you! I not go doctah. It impossible. If I have da Covid, den I can’t reave da apartment for five day.”

I sighed heavily. “Well, I no idea what to tell you.”

“Asshoe.”

I’ve been married to my old lady for close to a quarter century. And I’ve been completely miserable for all of those years. Yet perhaps our marriage isn’t that bad. I mean, most of the people I know in this world are either divorced or happily widowed. For instance, I thought my mother might break out in a song and dance routine after cancer killed my father. It’s not like she misses the old bastard. In fact, she’s never even visited his grave a single time.

And I’m not slagging Mom in the least. She’s my best friend on this entire planet. It’s simply that men and women haven’t exactly gotten along swimmingly since God created us. If we did, the rate of separation wouldn’t be hovering at fifty percent. In the old days, we were forced to stay together because we’d be stoned to death for adultery if we decided to split up. But times have changed with women’s rights and what not.

My day at work went well. I’m still teaching the story about the little girl who is moving to America and leaving her dog behind in the old country. The children are all broken up and teary eyed over the tale. And who can blame them? Everybody loves animals.