Spit and Shame

(The world is filled with weirdos.)

Yesterday, I had a strange dream. I was back in Texas with my mother, and we were spectators at a rodeo. Real country type of stuff. I went to a concession stand and ordered a hotdog. I told the woman behind the counter that I wanted it plain. She handed me a dog covered in cheese. I immediately threw it into a garbage receptacle and stormed away angrily.

The alarm went off at 6 a.m., and I drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A Korean soldier living in Pusan kept walking up to strange women and asking them to spit in his face. When they refused, he begged them for used cigarette butts. Something about female saliva seems to get him off. Anyway, the authorities showed up and arrested the pervert. He was fined $115 for his strange conduct.

I ate hash browns and watched Fox News. There was a huge riot at a shopping mall in San Francisco involving out-of-control teens. These kids went completely nuts and started beating the crap out of innocent bystanders. Many of the victims were Asian. Everybody is afraid to tell the truth. The vast majority of violent street crime in America is committed by black and Hispanic males. So let’s drop all this white-supremacy bullshit.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “I’m thinking of buying Nurse Ken a house when he gets out of college.”

I said, “That’s very nice of you. Where are you going to live?”

“In my condo.” She took a long pull from her water bottle. “That’s the only way to avoid a capital-gains nightmare. I’ll sell the place I’m living in now and get him a three-bedroom home just down the street.”

“It’s a nice gesture, yet we might all be dead by the time he graduates.”

“Don’t say that! He’s a good student. His grades are fantastic.”

“True. But he’s certainly taking his sweet time to get this degree.”

“That’s just the way kids are. They simply don’t realize that everyone on the earth has an expiration date.”

“Make sure to put the property in his name alone. I don’t want to be on the title. That way the Dragon Lady has no claim to it.”

“Smart thinking.” She took another swig from the bottle. “Are you moving back here or not?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Well, I’ve been working out and losing weight. But my back is still killing me.”

“What does your back have to do with the price of tea in China.”

“I still need to work even though I’m old. And those shifts at Waffle House are between eight to ten hours long. So I definitely have to get used to standing for extended periods of time.”

“Nothing says that you have to take a shit job. Waffle House is for fuckheads and retards. There are other opportunities out there.”

“Let’s wait and see what happens. Life is mysterious.”

Living in Korea isn’t the greatest thing in the world. However, I have wonderful health insurance and a free three-bedroom apartment. Plus I don’t have to deal with the burning shame of being an old geezer relying on his mommy for food and shelter. I’m not sure if my psyche could handle such a thing.