Insanity

 

(It's important to keep your dick up during rough times.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A family of five from Incheon was found dead in their apartment. The bodies of the three children and the wife were in the living room whereas the corpse of the husband was located in the bedroom. This positioning of the cadavers has led the cops to believe that the crime was a murder-suicide. According to them, a despondent Pops murdered his people and then took his own life.

I ate hash browns as I watched Fox News. The big story dominating the news cycle is that Orange Donald expects to be arrested on Tuesday. The district attorney of New York is named Alvin Bragg. He’s bringing charges against Trump for making a payoff to former pornstar Stormy Daniels back in the day. The exchange of money occurred seven years ago which means that the statute of limitations might come into effect. Final analysis? This is nothing more than another lame attempt to throw the Donald in jail.

The Dragon Lady came into my room.

She said, “My nephew go university soon.”

I nodded. “Good.”

“He school in Bwitish Corumbia.”

“So he’s moving to Canada?”

“That light. Canada. You know how much he pay?”

I shook my head. “I don’t care.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I don’t care. You’re just going to use the information to make me out to be a loser.”

“But you are da roosah. You money so small.”

“Fine. My money small.”

I took a sock from the drawer and turned it into a ball. Then I started throwing it to Dolly the dog. She chased it down several times and brought it back to me so that I could hurl it again. We were having a good time until my wife put her foot down.

She said, “What is dis? Are you da fucken idiot?”

I said, “Excuse me?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m playing fetch.”

“But dat da good sock. Letard.”

“Why are you calling me a retard. Everybody plays fetch with their puppies.”

“Put da sock back!”

I sighed heavily. “You know, I fucking hate living here.”

“Then get da divorce.”

“Great. Let’s do it. I’ll go back to America this summer.”

“Fine. We go to da oppice on Monday and get da pae-pah. Dis time, you sign.”

“I’m not taking another day off work to visit that office. I’ve already done it tons of times, and I always sign that fucking paper. You get the paper, and I’ll go to school.  Then I’ll sign when I get home.”

“I not you swave.”

I’m a good employee, and I never miss class if I can help it. But in the past, I’ve taken days off to visit the fucking courthouse in order to get our divorce papers. Yet she never goes through with it. She perpetually finds excuses to cling to me like a vampire. My money might be small, but there’s not another sucker in the world who is willing to keep her in Ding Dongs. And down deep, she knows it.

I drank another cup of coffee and put the fight out of my mind. Who gives a flying fuck, right? I refuse to let her constant insanity transform me into a drooling fuckhead. Life’s too short.