Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. Why so early? Dolly the dog kept scratching at my door. I walked to the bathroom and pissed like a racehorse. Then I sat in my chair and switched on Fox News. Four innocent young people were butchered with a knife in a town called Moscow. It's located in the state of Idaho. Jesse Waters thinks that the killer is a social loser filled with jealousy issues. But Jesse is a low-functioning retard with nice hair. It's obvious to me that these poor souls were slaughtered by a serial killer with out-of-control blood lust. The crime is reminiscent of Ted Bundy's rampage in Florida when he attacked and killed several women as they slept in their sorority house.
I'm still on my diet. So I drank three eggs for breakfast and wolfed down a tangerine. After that, it was time to take a shit. I read the headlines on my smartphone while sitting on the throne. A Buddhist order in Gimhae, Korea, has included Jesus as one of the wooden idols in their temple. These monks are trying to establish a world religion where everyone can worship God in a spirit of brotherhood. Quite frankly, I don't like it. There's only one way to the father and that is through the son. Jesus should never be reduced to a wooden totem. Those bald vegetarians need to get with the program if they wish to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
I drove to work with Rice-Boy Larry in the passenger seat, and I called my mother using Facebook Messenger as I tooled along the freeway. Larry held the phone as I spoke.
She said, "What's new in your life?"
I said, "Not much. I signed my contract yesterday."
"So you're definitely going to stay in Korea for another year?"
I nodded. "It's looking that way."
"Why don't you just come home? You can live with me until you get on your feet."
"Strangely enough, I saw a nice job on the internet in your neck of the woods."
Her ears perked up. "Yeah? What is it?"
"It's a Walmart gig. I'd be collecting the buggies from the parking lot and cleaning the toilets."
She looked at me as if I had just pissed on her leg. "Son! You're a college graduate. You can do better than that."
"It actually comes with health insurance and pays 17 dollars an hour."
"Why are you selling yourself so short?"
I sighed heavily. "I'm fucking tired all the time. Mentally speaking. So cleaning piss off the floor and collecting shopping carts would be right up my alley. I'm 54 fucking years old. It would be like an early retirement."
"Then do it! You have the right to be happy."
"I can't. My kids wouldn't respect me. Their friends would see their dad doing bullshit work, and they'd be embarrassed. So I have to stay where I'm at. I have no choice in the matter."
But I have to tell you guys the truth. I actually enjoy living in Korea more than living in America. I never have to worry about crime. Rice-Boy Larry is getting a great education. Life in an apartment isn't filled with mundane everyday headaches such as cutting the grass or mending the backyard fence. I don't have to climb into a car to buy a loaf of bread. The list goes on and on. In fact, I will probably die on this peninsula, and you are more than welcome to attend my funeral.
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