Yesterday was Saturday. I woke up at 8 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. Korea is in the middle of a giant cold snap. It's even snowing on the southern island of Jeju. I live in Seoul, and I'm freezing my nuts off. Walking outside is awful. I'm terribly afraid that my testicles might freeze to the side of my leg. I shit you not. Bring back the global warming. It's our only hope.
I went to the kitchen and drank three raw eggs for breakfast. After that, I wolfed down two tangerines and poured myself a cup of coffee. Then I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.
Mom said, "Are you voting for Trump in 2024?"
I said, "Probably not. I haven't voted since 2008. It's too much of a hassle now that I live overseas."
"Well, you shouldn't let that stop you. Voting is your patriotic duty."
"Are you still a Trump enthusiast?"
"Yes, he'll always be my boy."
"What about DeSantis?"
She nodded enthusiastically. "I love him, too. He'd make a great vice president."
"I have to be honest. Orange Donald has opened my eyes about a lot of things. This stuff with Twitter and the FBI is blowing my freaking mind."
"Are you surprised?"
"That the world is being run by a secretive star chamber comprised of elite white libtards? Yeah. I have to admit the truth. It's come as a shock."
My mother turned angry. "You have no right to complain. You voted for that asshole Obama before you left the country. You dumped a giant bag of shit in everybody's lap."
And Mom's right. I did vote for Barry back in the day. But I wasn't a huge supporter of the man. It's just that I regarded John McCain as the antichrist. The old twisted bastard literally wanted to go to war with everybody. Iran. Syria. Russia. Iraq. North Korea. His list of foes was never ending, and I was sick and tired of watching American boys come home from the Middle East in body bags.
I pointed my finger at Mom and smiled. "I was so naïve back before Donald took over the helm of our nation. For instance, I used to actually think that JFK was the victim of a disturbed lone gunman named Lee Harvey Oswald. But the Orange Man has opened my eyes. The CIA and the FBI killed the poor Irish prick. In contrast, Big Don is lucky, and he should praise God every night for his good fortune. All they did to him was fix an election."
Mom laughed and laughed.
The Dragon Lady came into the room.
She said, "I need to go to da glocely stoh. But Rarry say he too tire."
I said, "Would you like me to come instead."
"No! You not da fun man. Rarry and me alway eat da Kolean food when we shop. But you not rike da Kolean food. You have many many plobrem."
I knocked on my son's door. He was still in bed. He waved at me, and I waved back.
Rice-Boy said, "What do you need?"
"Can you go to Emart with your mother?"
He punched the bed. "I'm fucking tired. Why can't you help me out this one time?"
"I already offered, but she refused. You know very well that the woman doesn't like me."
"But she's your wife, not mine."
I shrugged. "What do you want me to do?"
He finally agreed after I promised to give him twenty bucks. Everything in life comes with a price.
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