No More Face Masks

 

(Korea might drop its mask mandate.)

I woke up this morning at 6 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. The South Korean government is finally thinking about lifting the indoor mask mandate at the end of January. Hallelujah and praise God. I’ve been wearing a face diaper for the last three years. I’ve also been jabbed three times. But none of that stopped me from catching COVID-19. Go figure.

I took a shower and listened to Pastor Charles Lawson as I scrubbed my filthy body. He’s a fire and brimstone Baptist preacher from the great state of Tennessee. I’m a huge fan of Brother Lawson’s style. It’s strange. I’m now an official believer in the inerrant bible. I never thought that would have happened in a million years. But what can I say? God’s word is a truly transforming force which is life altering. I’ve given up a lot of stuff along the way. Drinking. Smoking. Pornography. Yet I still curse like a sailor. Oh well. My language is something that I’ll have to fix. Pray for me.

I caught a ride to work with my buddy Tommy. He picked me up in front of his apartment complex.

Tommy said, “Where’s Rice-Boy Larry?”

I said, “He’s sick, so he’s staying home.”

“But he’s going to miss his 9^th-grade graduation. Is his illness that bad?”

Korea’s not like the west. The school year ends in December.

I said, “Well, Rice-Boy has to go on a plane ride in a few days, and it’s freezing out here. I figure better safe than sorry.”

I’m not a huge believer in middle-school graduation celebrations. It seems a tad frivolous. You’d have to be a real fucking moron to fail to matriculate to the 10^th grade. So why are we supposed to act like it’s some big deal?

We got to the school at 8:15 a.m., and I walked to my room. Then I called my mother using Facebook messenger.

I said, “How’s my sister doing? Has her divorce finally come through?”

Mom shook her head. “Not yet. She’s still helping her loser husband pay all the bills.”

“What bills?”

“She’s on the hook for half the mortgage.”

I nodded. “Is she trying to get the house?”

“No, they’ve agreed to sell it and split the cash.”

“That makes sense. And what’s her new boyfriend like?”

“He’s a nice guy. He just got a job at UPS.”

My brother-in-law is a real piece of work. He’s a serial adulterer who sells pain killers to make a few extra bucks on the side. And here’s the kicker. He has a great job. It’s not as if he needs the money. Some people commit crimes because they enjoy it. The act of breaking the law is a rush which tingles their reptilian brains.

The graduation ceremony was held in the school auditorium. It was a five-minute walk from my room, and I nearly froze my nuts off along the way. This winter is the harshest I can remember. Maybe it’s my age, but the frosty weather is really getting to me. I hope it’s warmer in Texas.

I got home later that day at 4 p.m. and took a nap. I had a dream about my mother’s husband. His name is Juan, and he’s originally from Mexico. He was sitting in a restaurant, and I approached his table. He smiled at me.

I said, “I heard you found a new job at a construction site.”

“That’s right. I did find a new job. I start tomorrow.”

“Damn, Juan. How do you do it? You’re 83 years old.”

He started crying.

I suddenly woke up in a cold sweat. I was so damp that I had to dry myself with a towel.