The Pastor Paid Me a Visit

(My pastor looks like a movie star.)

Today, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Boy scouts from across the world are congregating to Korea for an international conference. And the government is pulling out all the stops to keep the kids entertained, including the promotion of several concerts featuring many popular K-pop acts. K-pop is pretty cool. The groups are primarily composed of scantily clad Asian beauties who gyrate on the stage as they lip-synch their hits. So what's not to like, right?

Back in high school, I used to make fun of the scouts. I thought they were a bunch of pussies. However, one day I was swimming in a lake and I suddenly came down with a severe bout of cramps. My life was in imminent danger, and I started making my peace with God. I began sinking to the bottom when I was suddenly rescued by an Eagle Scout. He grabbed me by my armpits and brought me to shore while doing the backstroke. I shit you not. If it weren't for him, this blog would never have come into being. I was that close to the abyss.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger, but it was Ken who picked up the phone.

I said, "Long time, no see."

"Yes, it's been a while. I just got back from Colorado yesterday."

"Did you have fun?"

"It was great. I climbed a mountain that was 14,000-feet high."

"Wow. That's amazing. I'm glad you're still alive."

"I'm not going to lie. It was challenging. But I made it to the top without quitting like a fairy. I feel proud of myself."

I nodded my approval. "That's great." There was a pregnant pause, and I cleared my throat. "Sadly, I have some bad news."

"What?"

"You gotta find a job as soon as possible. It's not Granny's duty to cover your nut. She has her own fish to fry."

He smiled at me. "I'm gonna start looking tomorrow."

"Good man."

I turned on Fox News and watched the town hall with Robert Kennedy Jr. I'm a huge fan of RFK. He's against the war in Ukraine. He detests crony capitalism and the power of the donor class. Plus he respects the importance of the American middle class. Unfortunately, he has zero chance of getting the nomination. Why? He's being completely ignored by the black and brown voters--which is a death sentence for democratic hopefuls. Don't believe me? Then go ask Bernie Sanders.

Suddenly, there was a knock on my door. It was my pastor stopping by for a visit. I made him a cup of Joe, and we shot the shit as we sat at the kitchen table.

He said, "Where's your wife?"

I frowned. "She ran away about five days ago."

"Ran away? That's not good."

"No, it isn't. Not good at all."

"Is she coming back?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm not sure. But I'm kinda hoping that she goes through with the divorce."

He took a sip of his beverage. "Why?"

"Because she hates my guts. Have you ever lived with someone who dislikes you?"

He shook his head from side to side. "No, I can't say that I have."

"Well, it's pure hell. So please don't encourage her to return to her husband. My nerves simply can't take anymore."

"Then what you're basically telling me is that you want me to keep my nose out of your business."

"Yes. But I'm saying it in a nice way. Trust me. You don't want to get in over your head on this one. It will only cause you grief."

He finished his coffee and left. Thankfully, he didn't seem too upset. In fact, he wore an expression of relief as he closed the door behind him.

My pastor is very handsome. He looks like a movie star. This has nothing to do with my story. I'm simply throwing it out there.

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