Fecal Matter

(I went for my yearly physical.)

Today, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I enjoyed a Marlboro Red while sitting outside on a plastic picnic table. Smoking is strictly forbidden inside my apartment complex. After that, I took a nasty shit and scooped a small amount of my fecal matter into a Tupperware container. It was nasty business, but I had to do it because I had a medical checkup that scheduled for later in the morning.

I relaxed on the sofa and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, "Have you heard anything new from your wife?"

I nodded. "Rice-Boy Larry told me that she has a job interview next week."

"Doing what?"

"I'm not sure what her exact title is. But she applied to work in a factory that produces semi-conductors. That's all I know."

"It pays good money?"

"Probably not. And Larry says that the hours are hell. It's a gig that requires the employees to work twelve hours a day."

"Who's going to watch the dog?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess the puppy will just have to stay in her new apartment until the Dragon Lady gets home."

"You can't get Dolly back?"

I shook my head. "Dolly is definitely my wife's pet. That little beast loves the Dragon Lady. I honestly don't understand the attraction."

"And how are you feeling?"

"I'm a little bit pissed if you want to know the truth. She spent all these years living off my dime, and now she leaves me and finds a gig in like thirty seconds flat. Go figure."

I woke Rice-Boy up at seven a.m. I'm extremely worried about him. He sleeps all the time. I read on the internet that excessive snoozing is an indicator of depression.

He shot me the stink eye. "Why can't you let me rest?"

"Because you have to take me to the hospital. It's time for my yearly exam."

He hit the mattress with his fist. "Fuck!"

"Try to have a better attitude. Remember that I'm the asshole who puts rice in your bowl."

We took the bus. It was only a ten-minute ride. My fecal matter was in my front pocket, and I was terribly afraid that a foul smell might invade the air. Yet none was detectable. It turns out that Tupperware is air-tight and keeps rancid odors to a minimum. And let me tell you retards something.  Concealing the stench of my shit is no easy feat. So kudos to the boys at the company for creating such a first-rate product. 

We got to the hospital at 8:30 a.m. and filled out a couple of forms. Rice-Boy did most of the heavy lifting because my Korean skills suck ass. He's always a huge help. I'd be lost without the kid.

The doctors and nurses did a thorough job. They checked my height and weight and eyesight. They also analyzed my blood and urine. Plus I was required to take a chest x-ray. 

I looked at Larry. "What about my fecal matter?"

"Huh?"

"My fecal matter. Nobody has asked for it."

"Should I make an inquiry?"

I sighed heavily. "It's probably better to let the matter rest. They checked it last year. Maybe it's a biannual affair."

We finally got home at 11 a.m., and I served my boy lunch. I gave him some chicken that the Dragon Lady had purchased at Costco before her exit. He thought it was delicious.

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