She Left Me

(My wife finally packed her things and left.)

Today, I woke up at  5 a.m. and walked to a small convenience store to buy a cup of coffee. It cost me $1.25, and I drank it while sucking on a Marlboro Red. Then I went sauntered aimlessly through the streets and purchased some French bread along the way. I ate several pieces that I ripped away from the loaf with my bare hands. I was sitting by my lonesome at a bus stop during this time. I had no desire to go home because the movers were in my apartment loading all the Dragon Lady's stuff into a large truck.

Rice-Boy Larry called me at 8:30 p.m. "Hey, Dad, you can come back now. They're finished."

"How does the place look? Is it a disaster area?"

"No, it's very clean. In fact, Mom is currently vacuuming the floor. Can't you hear her?"

"I can barely hear a thing. You sound like you're whispering."

"Maybe we have a bad connection."

"I don't think so. It's the fucking traffic. It keeps whizzing by as the people make their way to work."

I eventually walked through the door at 9 a.m., and saw that my house had been pretty much stripped to the bone. Luckily, she decided to leave the air conditioner and the television. But she charged me $600 to hang on to these possessions, and I was quick to hand over the cash. The summer heat is stifling, and the thought of going through August without some type of climate control made my asshole pucker with fear and frustration.

At 9:30 a.m., we drove together to city hall. We were both required by the government to watch a video about protecting the welfare of children during a divorce. The entire production was in Korean, and I couldn't understand a single word. It featured lots of child actors who were screaming and crying and beating up their baby dolls.

When it finally finished, a government official handed us both a piece of paper covered in Oriental hieroglyphics. I was completely clueless as to what it said.

I turned to the Dragon Lady. "Are we done?"

"We must come again on Octobah thirwty-one."

"Why?"

"To see da judge-ee, you stoopid asshoe. Den we officiawly divawced."

"So this nightmare of a marriage ends on Halloween?"

"Dat's light, idiot."

We got back to the apartment at 11:30 a.m., and my wife starting giving instructions to Rice-Boy Larry on how to clean the house properly. There was a certain way to wash the floors and scrub the shitters. A certain way to do the laundry. A certain way to take out the garbage. Anyway, you get the idea. She kept screaming at us while delivering her instructions.

"You two in tellible twouble. You not know how to do anyting. Nuffing. Soon, dis prace turn to a gahbage pit. But don't cawl me. I not see you again."

After getting that off her chest, she handed Rice-Boy a hundred dollars. It was her going-away present. He thanked her profusely. That poor kid never has a dime in his pocket. Then she picked up Dolly the Dog and walked out the door, slamming it behind her.

Larry looked at me. "So what are we going to do now? We don't even have a vehicle to go shopping for food."

I smiled. "Son, this is Seoul. Who the hell even needs a car?"

To prove my point, we walked to a store and bought some eggs. I also purchased pancake mix and a pack of cigarettes.

I looked him in the eyes. "See? That wasn't too hard, was it?"

He shrugged. "I guess you're right."

My wife is now gone, and hopefully this arrangement is forever. I can no longer handle the stress she brings to my life.

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