Sharks Swim Forward

 

(Mom is always looking to the future.)

Yesterday, I read the bible. In the gospel of Mark, Jesus talks with the Pharisees about divorce. He says that the Mosaic Laws regarding this practice are weak and outdated. He goes on to assert that the only excuse for dumping your wife is if she’s cheating on you. This is certainly disappointing news for me. I’ve been dreaming of ejecting the Dragon Lady for many years, but Christ’s teaching on the subject matter is pretty plain. With that said, is it OK for an angry woman to treat her husband like an emotional punching bag? Questions, questions. Unfortunately, I have no answers. Life’s certainly not easy.

Later in the evening, I watched the NBA. The Denver Nuggets defeated the Los Angeles Clippers in an exciting game that went into overtime. Nikola Yokic is currently the best player in basketball bar none. He’s a strange combination of Larry Bird and Hakeem Olajuwon. Nikola scored forty points and snagged eighteen rebounds. Plus he had ten assists to garner the triple double. However, I was thoroughly impressed with the Clippers. Don’t overlook them when playoff time rolls around. That team is loaded with talent.

I fell asleep at 10 p.m. and dreamt about my dead father. We were sitting on a deserted beach and eating clams. We didn’t speak to each other. We were too busy stuffing our faces.

The alarm sounded at 6 a.m., and I drank a cup of coffee. Then I walked to the bathroom and read the headlines on my phone while taking a shit. Koreans are making more money these days, but Korea is still one of the most miserable nations in the OECD. On the bright side, it isn't the unhappiest. That distinction goes to Turkey.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “How’s Nurse Ken?”

She said, “He seems OK. He’s excited about the weekend. Ken’s camping with his friends on Saturday and Sunday.”

“I hope he doesn’t do anything stupid.”

“He’ll be fine. Have faith.”

I smiled and nodded. “You’re right. I need more faith.” I changed the subject. “So is there anything new in your life?”

“I’m thinking about selling my house.”

“Selling the house? Are you crazy? You just moved there six months ago!”

“I know, but they’re building some beautiful homes right down the road. You should see them. They’re fantastic.”

I sighed to signal my displeasure. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. You recently had a stroke, and moving is a huge stress on the brain.”

“You’re probably right. I should go ahead and cool my engines for now.”

Mom is one of those ladies who likes to flip houses. She buys and sells them for a profit. She’s made a lot of money doing this. In fact, the old lady is a millionaire. Don’t get me wrong. She doesn’t have that type of cash in her purse. In fact, she probably doesn’t have enough in her wallet to purchase a pizza. Yet her properties are worth a fortune.

I said, “Have you thought about finding a new hobby?”

“No. I'm real estate all the way. I've never lost money in the market.”

“But buying houses might end up killing you. Maybe you should collect coins instead.”

“What about you? Are you still writing?”

“Yes, but with no success. I currently have a blog.”

“Do a lot of people read it?”

I shook my head forlornly. “Only a few fuckheads and retards.”

“Don’t quit. It might pick up in the future.”

Mom’s optimism can often be contagious. The woman is like a shark. She’s always swimming forward.

The Squirts

 

(I've been having some digestive problems.)

Last night, I viewed several filthy videos before going to sleep. The one I liked the most featured a mocha-colored black girl with big tits and a nice ass. Her name is Cassidy Banks, and she's a semi-popular porn queen who has a dedicated following. Anyway, I’ve never met Ms. Banks in my entire life. Therefore, I would like to personally thank her for allowing me to watch her fornicate. I really had a good time.

I said my prayers before bed. I’m trying desperately to become a personal friend of Jesus. I’m on the downward slope of my life, and the last thing I need is to have the devil ram his pitchfork up my ass for the rest of eternity. So I try to speak with the Christ-God every day. Jesus seems very generous, and maybe he’ll throw me a lifeline when the shit finally hits the fan.

I put my head on the pillow at 11 p.m., and I was out like a light. Then I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. After that, I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a dump. Only four percent of unmarried Korean women think it’s important to find a husband and have kids in the future. This is a huge story because the entire Korean race is on the verge of going extinct. I kid you not. Nobody on the peninsula is having babies anymore. If this trend continues, the government will soon have to import people from nations like the Philippines and China to keep the society afloat.

The Dragon Lady drove me to work. We struck up a brief conversation along the way.

I said, “Why do you need the car today?”

She said, “It not you business.”

“Are you meeting your boyfriend?”

“Why? You da stalka?”

“I’m not a stalker. Far from it. But if he comes to the apartment, tell him to bring me some beer.”

She became angry. “Asshoe! I not have da boyfliend. I need da car for you son. I send him da package.”

“Your shipping stuff to Texas? That’s gonna cost a fortune.”

“What can I do? You son rike da Kolean food. I send him da noodle and da potato cheep.”

“Potato chips? He can get those at Walmart.”

“Not da Asian kind. He ruv honey-buttah fravah. Dey not have in Amelica.”

I sighed heavily. “OK, I get it. However, try to remember that I’m not a rich man.”

I arrived to work at 8 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger. She told me stories about my sister’s new boyfriend. My sister recently divorced her husband of 30 years, and now she’s living with an epileptic who is having a hard time holding on to a job. He tried Lowe’s but didn’t like it. Then he got a gig helping old people who live in retirement communities. Sadly, that didn’t pan out, either. These days, he’s installing cable television.

Mom said, “The poor guy is really having a tough time. He’s required to climb a lot of ladders, and he’s afraid he might have a spell and fall to his death.”

I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call it a spell these days. That word might offend him.”

“So what should I say?”

“I believe that the proper term is seizure.”

“I’ll certainly keep that in mind. I wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings.”

I spent the rest of the morning going to meetings. However, I had to duck out several times due to explosive diarrhea. There’s nothing worse than suffering with the squirts on a work day. It’s tough to get anything done.

Luck and Timing

 

(My writing career never got off the ground.)

I woke up this morning at 9 a.m. and checked my email. I got a message from the online blogging platform named Medium explaining why they deleted one of my stories. The men in charge found it hateful and violent. They warned me that I will face more sanctions if I refuse to change my evil ways. I became a tad depressed. Medium features millions of writers and readers from all over the planet. Hence, succeeding on that platform could lead to a nice paycheck. My writing career has always been a kick in the balls. I feel like I have talent, yet I can never bust through the ceiling. Oh well. What’s a boy to do?

I walked to the bathroom to take a shit. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while sitting dejectedly on the throne. According to The Korea Times, the peninsula is facing a pediatric healthcare crisis. Not a lot of people are having babies these days, so many med-school students have opted to focus on other specialties. This means that the rugrats don’t have a ton of options on whom to visit when they get sick. Therefore, the wait times are often atrocious which is driving all the mothers crazy.

I called my mom using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “How’s Nurse Ken doing?”

She said, “He’s OK. He had to visit the dentist the other day.”

“And how did that work out?”

“Well, he thought that he had chipped his bottom tooth. But he was wrong. It was nothing more than a buildup of plaque, and the doctor scraped it away.”

“That’s good news.”

“Yes and no. She discovered that your son has two cavities. His wisdom teeth need to come out.”

“So when will this happen?”

Mom frowned. “That’s the thing. Ken is a stubborn son of a bitch. He wants to keep them.”

I shrugged and sighed heavily. “Even though they’re rotting away in his head? Where’s the logic in that?”

She took a sip of her coffee. “You know how he is. That boy could argue with a possum. So I just let him do his thing.”

I nodded. “It’s the wise policy.”

I switched on Fox News and watched Dan Bongino. Mark Levin was one of his guests. I’m not a huge fan of Mr. Levin. He’s just another dirty neocon promoting this sick war in the Ukraine. I really can’t understand his thinking. We lost in Vietnam. We lost in Afghanistan. We lost in Iraq. And now he wishes to get America embroiled in another overseas conflict. How many times can Lucy pull the football away until we all finally wake up?

I drove to church with Rice-Boy Larry in the afternoon. Our pastor is still teaching us about the prophesies of Isaiah. My preacher believes that Jesus will return any time now. He says that modern-day Israel is another sign indicating that the end is near. Maybe he’s right. Jerusalem was completely destroyed by the Romans in 70 AD, and the Jews were subsequently dispersed around every nook and cranny of the world. It’s kind of amazing that God has finally brought them back to their home country after all these years.

In the evening, I viewed the game between the Celtics and the 76ers. Boston won on a last-second shot by Jayson Tatum. The team looks fantastic. They have a real chance to win it all if they can stay healthy. But that’s easier said than done. Luck and timing are always on the side of winners. That’s been my experience, anyway.

No Sex for Me

 

(I have a sexless marriage.)

Yesterday, I got home at 6 p.m. and said hello to Dolly the dog. She licked my hands as I stroked her ears. I’m a huge fan of Dolly. She’s the best. I never thought that a simple little beast could bring me so much joy. Then I washed my hands and feet before putting on my jammies. After that, I sat down for the evening meal. I had rice, Chinese mushrooms, and shrimp.

I looked at the Dragon Lady. “This food is excellent. Thanks for the hard work.”

She gave me the silent treatment, so I listened to Pastor Charles Lawson on my smartphone instead. He likes to talk about people who think they’re saved but are actually careening at light speed toward the fiery pit of hell. I find him much more entertaining than libtard preachers who tell us all how wonderful we are. What’s the fun in that?

My wife broke her silence. “You not da good man. You go hell, too.”

I sighed heavily. “You might be right. I figure that my chances are fifty-fifty.”

Faith isn’t a problem that I’m currently struggling with. For instance, I have no doubt in my mind that Jesus came back from the dead. And I’m also positive that he is God in human form. Good for me. Rather, my struggle is with obedience to his word and instructions. This planet is chock full of satanic temptations—such as pornography, alcohol, and cigarettes. My marriage is pretty much sexless, and I’m a lustful glutton who rarely gets any pussy. Therefore, it’s very difficult to resist watching attractive women who fornicate on video. I don’t want to view such filth, but I’m weak and depraved. So what’s a boy to do?

I walked to my room and switched on Netflix. I’m now enjoying a series called Red Rose. It’s about a group of British teenagers who are being plagued by a demon invading their favorite social-media platforms. This dark spirit uses their addiction to mess up their lives and cause all kinds of chaos. But because of their thick accents, it’s tough to understand their words. Therefore, I’ve been forced to use closed captioning. Yet the experience is still quite rewarding. I’m thoroughly enjoying myself.

I fell asleep at 10 p.m. and had a dream about the rock group Lynyrd Skynyrd. I was sitting on a sofa with the lead singer Ronnie Van Zant.

I said, “I heard that you knocked out the piano player’s teeth.”

He shrugged. “It wasn’t me. It was the whiskey.” He removed his hat to reveal his bald head. “Did you know that Steve Gaines actually had an IQ of 155. Such a waste of talent.”

I smiled at him. “No shit, huh?”

“No shit.”

I woke up at 6 a.m. and walked to the toilet. I tried to take a dump, but nothing came out. I merely farted a few times. The stench was terrible. It smelled like rotten eggs. Then I strolled to the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee. The Dragon Lady was sitting at the table.

I said, “Good morning.”

No response. All I got was a hateful stare.

Later in the day, I wrote her a letter and sent it via email. I was at work at the time. I told her that she would have to visit a psychiatrist to prevent our divorce. I gently explained that I was too old for her poor behavior. She called me an hour later and threatened to cut my tongue out with a knife. I kid you not.

Spousal Abuse

 

(Am I a secret masochist?)

Yesterday, I strolled to McDonald’s at noon. That’s the best thing about living in a Korean city. You don’t need a car to get to your favorite spots. Everything is pretty much in walking distance.

Anyway, I ordered a cup of coffee and sat by my lonesome. But it wasn’t long until I was joined by an old friend. His name is Livingston, and he’s a pastor from New York. He’s currently working at a church in Seoul.

We hadn’t seen each other in a couple of months, and we exchanged a warm greeting. Then he sat across from me. He had purchased a ten-piece McNugget set. It came with an order of fries and a Coke.

He said, “How did you enjoy your trip to America?”

“I loved it. But the prices were very high. That same meal your eating now would set you back 12 bucks in Texas.”

“Man, that’s crazy.”

I shrugged and smiled. “High prices or not, there’s no place like home. I’m thinking about returning in a year.”

He let out an audible gasp. “But you’ve been living here for so long. What on earth would you do?”

“I’m thinking about becoming an overnight fry cook at Waffle House.”

He laughed out loud and clapped his hands. “Good one.”

“I’m not joking. I want a gig where I don’t have to think. I might also apply for a front-end associate at Walmart. It pays 22 dollars an hour.”

“What does it entail?”

“I’d have to work the cash register, collect the buggies, and clean the shit house.”

The pastor sighed heavily. “Jack, you’re a college man. Are you gonna let all that education go to waste?”

“I couldn’t give a flying screw about my education. I’m getting older, and I need to make a buck without feeling stress.”

“Where would you live?”

“I’m planning on moving in with my mom. She has a big house with plenty of space. My sons will be there, too.”

“And your wife? What does she say about your plans?”

I took a sip of coffee. “I’ll probably just leave her in Korea. It’s no big deal. She doesn’t love me anyway. Maybe she’ll find somebody new. God knows that I don’t make her happy.”

“Have you tried communicating your feelings to her?”

“A million times. But all she does is abuse me with foul language. And the names she calls me! You wouldn’t believe it if I told you.”

He shot me a sarcastic smirk. “Try me.”

“Are you sure?”

“C’mon, man. I’m a pastor. I’ve heard it all before.”

“Her favorite word is cunt. That’s the title she uses the most when addressing me. She also refers to me as a motherfucker, an idiot, and a retard. To make matters worse, she’s currently praying to the Lord in hopes that he’ll kill my mother.”

He popped a McNugget into his mouth and chewed for several seconds. “You should have more of a missionary spirit. Let’s pretend that Christ simply gave up right before he got crucified. None of us would be saved. Life isn’t meant to be a bed of roses.”

“Well, let Jesus marry her.”

I wasn’t being rude. In fact, I completely understand my friend’s point of view. Furthermore, he’s a pastor, so he has to push the company line. Trust me. I get it. Yet I’m beginning to wonder if I’m a secret masochist. Lots of men pay good money to be abused by women who earn their living as a dominatrix. These chicks beat their clients with whips and place painful clamps on their testicles. They even ram foreign objects up their clients’ assholes and stomp on their genitals with high-heeled shoes.

And that’s how I’m beginning to feel. Am I one of those sickos who wants to be punished? I certainly hope not. Therefore, it’s time to stop the cycle of abuse. I’ve got twenty years left until I die. Things have to change.

Mental Illness

 

(My wife is a loon.)

Yesterday, I got home at 6 p.m. I looked at the Dragon Lady and shot her a big toothy grin.

I said, “Hello. Did you have a nice day?”

No response.

“Hello! Are you hard of hearing? Was your afternoon pleasant?”

Silence. All I got was a vacant stare.

So I walked to the bathroom to wash my feet and hands. Then I changed into my jammies. This is a daily ritual in my apartment. My wife is terrified of dirt and grime. Therefore, everybody is required to scrub themselves raw if they wish to enter my humble abode. Needless to say, we don’t get many visitors. In fact, it’s been years since a friend dropped by in order to shoot the breeze.

I’m not sure what type of mental illness is afflicting my wife. For instance, is she obsessive compulsive? Maybe she’s a manic depressive. Then again, it might be borderline personality disorder. But let’s not forget malignant narcissism. I simply have no clue. And why should I? I’m not a trained psychiatrist. In common vernacular, most people would simply say that the Dragon Lady is fucking nuts. Yet what’s a boy to do? It’s not like I can throw her off the roof and claim that she committed suicide. Unfortunately, there are laws against such behavior. However, I will say this. I’ve been living with this loony bat for close to 25 years, and I completely understand why religious zealots used to burn witches back in the day.

I went to my room and listened to a sermon by my favorite pastor Charles Lawson. I don’t agree with everything the man says. But I like his style a great deal. He knows how to make his weekly service quite entertaining. Even though I’m enjoying him on YouTube, I often yell hallelujah and amen with the rest of the congregation. If I lived in Tennessee, I’d certainly join his church. Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t tithe. I’m too broke for that. Rather, I’d sit in the back pew and scream joyously like the rest of the yahoos. Lawson is the best preacher I’ve ever seen.

My wife knocked on my door. “It time foh dinnah, idiot.”

I joined my family at the kitchen table. That’s when she threw my green card at me. I recently changed apartments, so she had taken the card that morning to the immigration office in order to file a change of address. Because I’m married to a local, I’ve been given permanent resident status.

I gave her a smile. “Thanks for your hard work.”

“I not want you thanks. You da motha-fucka.”

I turned to Rice-Boy Larry. “I fear that your mother might be possessed by a demon.”

He shrugged. “You might be right. She’s been in a foul mood all day.”

“Is there anything we can do?”

He frowned and sighed. “I don’t know. I’m just a kid. What do you want from me?”

I patted him tenderly on the shoulder. “No matter how bad life gets, it’s always important to keep your dick up.”

Rice-Boy laughed uproariously. “I agree.”

“Good man. You’re a prince, and I mean that sincerely.”

I ate my vittles in silence. The meal consisted of beef, rice, and Chinese mushrooms. I’m not a huge fan of rice, but I kept my mouth shut. I just grinned and nodded like the village retard. I’m wonderful that way. After all, things could always be worse. At least I wasn't born in Djibouti.

The Price of Booze

 

(I'm too broke to get drunk.)

Yesterday, I got home at 6 p.m. and ate fish for dinner. It came with a serving of rice. I’m not a huge fan of rice. But I live in Asia, so I have to eat it every day. With that said, I no longer consume a lot of beef and pork. I’m trying my best to lose weight. Sadly, I’m a huge fat ass. I’ve really let myself go in my old age.

I watched a sermon by Pastor Charles Lawson as I sucked down my vittles. He’s one of my favorite preachers. He definitely has a unique style. I really love the way he weaves conspiracy theories into his weekly messages. For instance, he believes that aliens and UFOs are actually demons who have escaped from hell. And maybe he’s right. What the hell do I know?

I scratched Dolly the dog behind the ear, and she wagged her tail. Then I looked at the Dragon Lady.

“The pooch is pretty darn skinny. What? Is she on the North Korean diet?”

My wife shot me the stink eye. “You da asshoe.”

“Maybe you should start giving her more food.”

Rice-Boy Larry said, “She looks skinny because Mom shaved off her hair.”

I shook my head disdainfully. “I’m not sure if I agree with that move. It’s the middle of winter, and I don’t want her to catch pneumonia.”

The Dragon Lady rolled her eyes. “She da healfy dog. Why you comprain? I da one who do all da work.”

I’m a huge fan of Dolly. She has given me a great deal of pleasure over the last year. Animals certainly brighten up a house. They seem to make people a lot happier.

I went to my room and opened the bible. I’m currently reading Leviticus. I’m on the part where the Lord sets dietary restrictions for his chosen people. Did you know that Jews aren’t allowed to eat shellfish? That would drive me crazy. I can’t imagine a life without shrimp, crabs, and lobster. I’m so happy that most of my ancestors used to have a foreskin back in the day. I simply wouldn’t have succeeded in ancient Israel. The locals would’ve stoned me outside the gates of the city. Good for them. I probably deserve it.

I watched Tucker Carlson Tonight on YouTube. Senile Joe is now in the Ukraine trying to drum up support for the corrupt Zelenskyy regime. We’re giving that little mafia boss another half a billion dollars in tax-payer money. The very thought of it makes me want to puke. But what can we actually do? Both the republicans and democrats love this war. They won’t be happy until we’re all dead.

After that, I viewed another episode of Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story. Jeff is taking his gay lovers to bathhouses and slipping drugs into their drinks. Then he molests them when they’re unconscious. Did you know that Mr. Dahmer once got nabbed for assaulting a thirteen-year-old boy? The judge gave him a year in the country jail under the work-release program. It baffles the mind.

I went to bed at 10 p.m. and slept like the dead. Then I woke up at 6 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. I proceeded to read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a massive dump. The price of beer and soju is on the rise in South Korea. This is a huge deal because all the men in this part of the world love to drink. I’m expecting riots any day now. I shit you not.

Unclean Spirits

(I'm terrified of Lucifer.)

Yesterday, I drove to church with Rice-Boy Larry. We struck up a conversation along the way.

I said, “What do you think about going back to America?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t care one way or the other.”

“You must have some feeling on the matter. It’s a huge step.”

He looked at me. “I consider myself a Korean. I like this country a lot. But I also like the United States, too.”

I sighed heavily. “That’s kind of weird. I thought I would be the one who wanted to stay in Korea. However, now I’m dying to go home, and you’re the one who wants to maintain the status quo.”

“I’m easy. Do what you like.”

“What about your mother? What should we do with her? In Texas, I won’t be able to afford a psychiatrist.”

“You’re right. Mom’s a nut. But I can deal with her.” There was a long pregnant pause before he spoke again. “You’re a magnet for nutcases. All the crazy people I’ve met in the past want to be your friend. You’re too nice. You need to learn how to set up boundaries.”

We got the church a few minutes early and took a seat in the back. We always sit in the rear. I don’t know why. Then the praise team sang for a good 30 minutes. Usually, I complain because 30 minutes is just too long. However, I’m trying to stand as much as possible these days. Why? In the future, I might have a gig where I’m required to be on my feet ten hours a day. So I might as well start practicing now.

Anyway, the pastor’s sermon revolved around the prophet Isaiah. My pastor believes that Christ’s second coming is right around the corner. He points to all the wars and earthquakes that are currently plaguing our world. He says that these tragedies are the birthing pains that Jesus alluded to in the gospels. However, wars and earthquakes have been ubiquitous throughout human history. Don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe in my heart that Christ will return to set up his kingdom here on earth. Yet the timeline is completely up to God. It’s his show, and I’m not here to tell him what to do.

We got home at 4 p.m., and I watched the UFC on my computer. This week’s fight card was a tad dull. That’s the thing about cage fighting. Some matches are great and will be forever burned in my memory. But most of the time, the fights are forgettable. With that said, I’m waiting with baited breath for Jon Jones versus Cyril Gane. It should be an exciting war. I simply pray that Jon will avoid legal troubles this time around.

I switched on Netflix and tried to view a film called The Possession of Hanna Grace. However, I started getting scared and turned it off. Sometimes, I’m a real sissy…especially when it comes to Lucifer. The devil scares the living shit out of me. I’m one of those nuts who actually believes in demons, and the last thing I want to do is inadvertently invite some diabolical spirit into my life. Things are tough enough without having to deal with that nonsense.

I finally went to bed at 10 p.m. I slept like the dead. 

Camping with Father Murphy

 

(Stay out of the woods.)

Yesterday, I read the bible. I’m currently on the part in the Gospel of Mark where Jesus’s family thinks he’s nuts. They go to one of the local houses and tell the people to bring Jesus outside. And he rebukes them by saying they are not his true blood. He would rather hang around people who do the will of God than relations who are clueless about the ways of the Lord. Many of the churches around the world worship the bourgeois Christ. I often wonder if Jesus would actually be welcomed at most Sunday services.

I switched on Netflix and watched a film called Spotlight. It’s about sexually perverted priests in Boston and how the church covered up their crimes against children. Some of the stats were quite shocking. According to the movie, only 50 percent of the Roman Catholic clergy are actually celibate. Furthermore, a full six percent are active pedophiles. Are these facts true? I couldn’t tell you one way or the other. Hollywood often takes liberties. But I will say this. There is no way in hell that I would allow my sons to go camping with Father Murphy. Let’s just leave it at that.

I went to bed at midnight and slept like the dead. Then I woke up at 9 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. I proceeded to read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. The Korean police arrested a couple of Muslims who are currently living in the city of Yeongam. These two men have been sending money to terrorists using Bitcoin. The powers-that-be are expanding their investigation. They fear that other Muslims residing on the peninsula might be involved.

I called my mom using Facebook messenger.

She said, “How’s your wife doing?”

I shrugged. “The same as usual. She’s still crazy as a bedbug.”

“Was she fighting with Nurse Ken the other night?”

I nodded. “He told her she could move to America if she agreed to behave herself.”

“And what happened?”

“She screamed and yelled and used heaps of bad language.”

“What’s her problem?”

“I couldn’t tell you. I’m not a trained psychiatrist, and she refuses to get help.”

“Are you still thinking about returning to the States?”

I smiled. “Damn straight. But I have to get myself into shape. To get my job at Waffle House, I’ll be required to stand ten hours a day. That’s not easy for a guy in his fifties.”

“Ten hours? That’s rough.”

“No pain, no gain.”

Later that morning, I turned on Fox News and viewed the Dan Bongino show. He went over a huge list of fake news that the media has fed to the public over the last six years. This list included stories about Hunter Biden’s laptop, Bubba Wallace’s noose, Jussie Smollett’s bogus ordeal at the hands of racists, etc. And let’s not forget the phony Russian collusion during the 2016 election. The report was quite impressive. So-called journalists are now picking sides and telling tall tales in order to influence American politics. But why lose sleep over it? We get the government we deserve. Nobody is forcing American citizens to vote for losers like Nancy Pelosi or Mitch McConnell. Sadly, we bring the problems upon ourselves.

Hateful Speech

 

(Sticks and Stones)

Yesterday, I read the bible. I’m currently going through the Book of Leviticus. It was written by Moses many moons ago. Anyway, I’m on the part about the regulations involving animal sacrifice. It’s all rather complicated if you want to know the truth. I’m much too stupid to think like an ancient Jew. With that said, I do believe that there was logic behind the death of these animals. Human sacrifice is a plague that has affected our race since Satan entered the garden. By steering us toward sheep and cows and goats, God spared many of his people from a horrible fate. For instance, no virgins were thrown into volcanoes. Nor were babies incinerated to appease an angry deity.

I turned on Netflix and watched a couple episodes of Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story. It’s definitely very disturbing, but I’m giving it a huge recommendation, nevertheless. I’ve never been a huge believer in freewill, and I don’t think Dahmer could help himself. Nobody grows up with the dream of becoming a homosexual cannibal. He was compelled to commit these crimes due to genetic and environmental factors that were beyond his control. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some bleeding-heart liberal who wants to empty the jails. Yet sin seems to dominate this world, and there isn’t a whole hell of a lot that we can do about it.

I went to bed at 7 p.m. I was exhausted and slept like the dead. Then I woke up at 4 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. I proceeded to take a shit while reading the headlines on my smartphone. A teacher from Seoul was given a four-year prison sentence for putting detergent and mosquito repellent into the meals of her kindergarten students. Furthermore, she’s not allowed to work around children for the next ten years. Her sentence is a tad light in my opinion. Her actions were sick and evil. In fact, Moses would have had her stoned back in the day.

The Dragon Lady walked into my room. There was an angry look on her face.

She said, “I see you paycheck.”

I said, “And?”

“You make small money. You da fucken losah.”

“Well, help me out and get a job.”

“You luin my rife. I was beautiful woman. Many man wanted me when I was youngah.”

“It’s not too late. You have my permission to look for another husband.”

She shot me the stink eye. “I hope you mothah die.”

“Why are you bringing my mother into it?”

“Because I hate her. She da bad woman.”

In the past, I used to explode. But times have changed. All her bullshit washes off my back like water on a duck’s feathers. I no longer care. So I just nodded and smiled, hoping that she would go away.

But no such luck. She continued with her poison.

“I play to God evely night dat she have anothah stroke. Then you become da orphan.”

“Thanks.”

“Fuck you.”

“Thanks again.”

The Dragon Lady is very fearful. She knows that I’m thinking about returning to America. Rice-Boy Larry is getting older, and I no longer fear that my wife’s family will try to keep him. So I’m pretty much free to do what I want. I’m thinking about becoming a short-order cook at Waffle House. The nightshift pays 20 bucks an hour. I need a change in my life. I’m tired of thinking.

Fear

 

(We all get spooked from time to time.)

Yesterday, one of my friends called me at 7 p.m.

He said, “Are you home?”

I said, “Yes.”

“I’ve got a big favor to ask.”

“Sure. What do you need?”

“Somebody is knocking on my door, and he won’t stop. It’s been twenty minutes, and he just keeps on ringing the damn doorbell.”

I sighed heavily. “So what would you like me to do?”

“Can you come to my apartment? Maybe if he sees you, he’ll go away.”

“OK, but give me a couple of minutes to get dressed.”

I understood his logic perfectly. I’m a white man living in South Korea. The natives often get spooked by my color. For instance, all I have to do to change lanes when I drive in heavy traffic is stick my big ghost face out the window. As soon as they see that I’m Caucasian, the traffic immediately slows to a crawl and I’m given the right of way. Don’t get me wrong. The Koreans aren’t physically intimidated by a soft doughy geezer from America. Yet something about my pale skin makes them very deferential toward me.

I walked into the living room and talked briefly with the Dragon Lady.

I said, “I have to go help a friend.”

She scowled at me. “In da night? You fliend must be clazy. Dat not normah in Kolea.”

I shrugged. “Normal or not, the guy needs me. Besides, it’s only a little past seven. No big deal.”

Rice-Boy Larry said, “What does he need, Dad?”

“Some crazy guy keeps knocking at his door and ringing the bell.”

A look of fear spread over my son’s face. “Are you nuts? You might get your head bashed in.”

I smiled. “I’m sure it won’t come to that.”

The Dragon Lady said, “You faddah da idiot.”

“Hey, I’m not an idiot. I’m helping a neighbor in need.”

To make a long story short, I went to his building. He lives on the 20^th floor, and I’m not going to lie to you. I started getting a bit spooked because the corridor was dark. I kept imagining a big angry man lurking in the shadows who was poised to hit me on the head with a metal pipe. But nobody was there. Not a soul.

I took out my smartphone and called my friend.

I said, “I’m right outside your place. Can you let me in?”

He undid the lock, and I stepped inside.

He said, “Thanks for coming.”

I nodded. “Not a problem. Think nothing of it. Nobody is out there.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive.”

Suddenly, his doorbell sounded. A look of panic and distress passed over his face. It was so pronounced that I actually thought he might begin to weep.

He said, “Would you mind getting it?”

My heart started jumping in my chest. “Sure. Why not?”

I opened the door expecting the worst. In fact, my hands were curled into tight fists because I was anticipating a fight. But once again, nobody was there. I looked left and right. Nothing but emptiness.

I turned to him. “Not a soul. My guess is that your doorbell is probably malfunctioning.”

He let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God. I thought it was my upstairs neighbor.”

“Why? Do you have a beef with him or something?”

“He smokes, and he has a dog. So I reported him to security.”

“How do you know that he smokes?”

“I can smell it in my bathroom.”

“Don’t let your imagination get the better of you. I’d put my money on a technical malfunction.”

He gave me some fruit and a bag of cereal as a gesture of thanks. I patted him on the shoulder and walked home.

Dirty Dreams

 

(My fantasies often put my real life to shame.)

Last night, I read the bible. I’m currently studying the Gospel of Mark. I’m on the part where John the Baptist is making straight paths for the coming of the Lord. John lived in the wilderness, and he ate locusts and honey in order to stay alive. His clothes were also simple. Similar to Elijah, he wore a camel-hair vest with a leather belt. John’s attire signified his poverty and devotion. I bring this up because too many evangelical preachers are decked out in expensive garments as they drive their fancy cars around town. It turns people off.

After that, I watched Netflix for several hours. I’m still enjoying a documentary about the Turk named Mehmed who conquered Constantinople. He’s currently battling Vlad the Impaler. The war between both rulers is downright savage. This is the second time I’ve viewed the documentary. I simply can’t get enough. It fascinates me. Sometimes, I secretly wish that I wasn’t burdened by a conscience. It must be wonderful to destroy your enemies and drink liquor from their decapitated skulls. Now that’s what I call living!

I went to bed at 10 p.m. and dreamt about sex. Even though I’m getting older, those occasional nocturnal fantasies still creep into my brain. The woman in question was pretty and in her twenties. When the alarm clock sounded, I let out a deep sigh of frustration. It seemed so real.

I walked to the bathroom and read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. Suk Yeol Yoon is the president of South Korea. He has a hot wife named Keon Hee Kim. She’s been accused of insider trading. However, President Yoon has assured the nation that Keon Hee is innocent. I’m inclined to agree. She’s much too sexy to be a criminal. But what do I know?

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “How’s your dog doing?”

I said, “OK, I guess.”

“Is she a happy animal?”

I shrugged. “I think so. How can you tell?”

“Does she wag her tail a lot?”

I nodded. “Yes! In fact, Dolly never stops wagging that damn thing. She must be the happiest dog on this peninsula.”

“Good. Make sure you give her lots of treats.”

“My wife won’t let me. Our pooch is on a strict diet. No people food under any circumstances.”

I walked to the living room and watched The Five on Fox News. There’s a huge fire in Palestine, Ohio, that is sending poison gas all over the place. Animals and fish are dying by the score. But governor Mike Dewine has assured the citizens of his state that it’s safe to go home. However, nobody believes him. He’s just another lying politician.

The Dragon Lady said, “I make you da bleakfast.”

I said, “Thanks.”

She handed me a plate filled with hash browns. They were covered in salt.

I’m on a diet these days. So far, I’ve lost thirty pounds, and I’m trying to avoid carbohydrates. Therefore, I usually just eat fruit and vegetables with an occasional piece of fish thrown into the mix. But I was afraid to turn the meal down. I thought that my wife might punch me in the head. So I ate the vittles with a big retarded grin on my ugly fat face. I always do my best to remain polite no matter the situation. Good for me.

Christ Is Risen

(Jesus came back from the dead, so deal with it.)

Last night, I read the bible. I’m on the part where Jesus comes back from the dead in the Gospel of Matthew. The angels tell Mary and the other Mary that Christ is no longer in the tomb. The two women are filled with joy and eventually run into Jesus later that morning while walking along the road. He says that he’s on his way to Galilee and will meet his disciples there. I’m a huge believer in the resurrection. Nevertheless, I have a problem with obedience. My flesh doesn’t always comply with the demands of the spirit. Does that mean I’m going to hell? Well, I certainly hope not. But it’s in God’s hands, and there isn’t much I can do about it.

I turned on Netflix and watched a documentary about a Turk named Mehmed. He’s the guy who conquered Constantinople in the 15^th century. A lot of people died in order to fulfill this guy’s dream. Sadly, he succeeded in the end, marking the true demise of the Roman Empire. The victory was a huge feather in the cap of Islam. As you probably know, that ancient city is now called Istanbul. I’ve never been, but I imagine it’s a shithole. Yet I'm no expert. Maybe it’s beautiful.

I went to bed at 10 p.m. and slept like the dead. Then I woke up at 5 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. The police arrested a couple from Incheon for beating their 12-year-old son to death. The poor child died in the hospital from his injuries. If I were king of the world, I’d push those two assholes right off a cliff. Butt nobody pays any attention to my wise words. Regrettably, my genius is most often overlooked by this callous world. Ho hum.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “I’m really thinking about moving back to America.”

She said, “What did your wife say?”

“She’s a little disappointed.”

“Why?”

“She got a glazed look in her eyes when I told her that I plan to work for Walmart or Waffle House.”

Mom laughed and laughed.

But I’m actually not joking. I saw a job at Walmart starting at 22 bucks an hour. All I would have to do is greet the customers, clean the shitters, and collect the carts. True. It’s not glamorous work. However, it would be nice to have a gig where I don’t have to think all the time. I’m getting older, and my brain needs a rest.

I walked to the living room, and said hello to Dolly the dog.

I said, “You’re the most beautiful beast in the world!”

She wagged her tail and licked my face.

I love having an animal in my apartment. That little puppy brings me hours of joy. If I go back to the States, I’m definitely bringing her with me.

The Dragon Lady shot me the stink eye. “Why you ret her rick da face? It gloss.”

I said, “It’s not gross. Dogs actually have cleaner mouths than humans.”

“You da fucken idiot. Dog vely dirty animal.”

I shrugged. Maybe she’s right. But I don’t care. We all got to die of something.