The Squirts

 

(I've been having some digestive problems.)

Last night, I viewed several filthy videos before going to sleep. The one I liked the most featured a mocha-colored black girl with big tits and a nice ass. Her name is Cassidy Banks, and she's a semi-popular porn queen who has a dedicated following. Anyway, I’ve never met Ms. Banks in my entire life. Therefore, I would like to personally thank her for allowing me to watch her fornicate. I really had a good time.

I said my prayers before bed. I’m trying desperately to become a personal friend of Jesus. I’m on the downward slope of my life, and the last thing I need is to have the devil ram his pitchfork up my ass for the rest of eternity. So I try to speak with the Christ-God every day. Jesus seems very generous, and maybe he’ll throw me a lifeline when the shit finally hits the fan.

I put my head on the pillow at 11 p.m., and I was out like a light. Then I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. After that, I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a dump. Only four percent of unmarried Korean women think it’s important to find a husband and have kids in the future. This is a huge story because the entire Korean race is on the verge of going extinct. I kid you not. Nobody on the peninsula is having babies anymore. If this trend continues, the government will soon have to import people from nations like the Philippines and China to keep the society afloat.

The Dragon Lady drove me to work. We struck up a brief conversation along the way.

I said, “Why do you need the car today?”

She said, “It not you business.”

“Are you meeting your boyfriend?”

“Why? You da stalka?”

“I’m not a stalker. Far from it. But if he comes to the apartment, tell him to bring me some beer.”

She became angry. “Asshoe! I not have da boyfliend. I need da car for you son. I send him da package.”

“Your shipping stuff to Texas? That’s gonna cost a fortune.”

“What can I do? You son rike da Kolean food. I send him da noodle and da potato cheep.”

“Potato chips? He can get those at Walmart.”

“Not da Asian kind. He ruv honey-buttah fravah. Dey not have in Amelica.”

I sighed heavily. “OK, I get it. However, try to remember that I’m not a rich man.”

I arrived to work at 8 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger. She told me stories about my sister’s new boyfriend. My sister recently divorced her husband of 30 years, and now she’s living with an epileptic who is having a hard time holding on to a job. He tried Lowe’s but didn’t like it. Then he got a gig helping old people who live in retirement communities. Sadly, that didn’t pan out, either. These days, he’s installing cable television.

Mom said, “The poor guy is really having a tough time. He’s required to climb a lot of ladders, and he’s afraid he might have a spell and fall to his death.”

I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call it a spell these days. That word might offend him.”

“So what should I say?”

“I believe that the proper term is seizure.”

“I’ll certainly keep that in mind. I wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings.”

I spent the rest of the morning going to meetings. However, I had to duck out several times due to explosive diarrhea. There’s nothing worse than suffering with the squirts on a work day. It’s tough to get anything done.