Dirty Dreams

 

(My fantasies often put my real life to shame.)

Last night, I read the bible. I’m currently studying the Gospel of Mark. I’m on the part where John the Baptist is making straight paths for the coming of the Lord. John lived in the wilderness, and he ate locusts and honey in order to stay alive. His clothes were also simple. Similar to Elijah, he wore a camel-hair vest with a leather belt. John’s attire signified his poverty and devotion. I bring this up because too many evangelical preachers are decked out in expensive garments as they drive their fancy cars around town. It turns people off.

After that, I watched Netflix for several hours. I’m still enjoying a documentary about the Turk named Mehmed who conquered Constantinople. He’s currently battling Vlad the Impaler. The war between both rulers is downright savage. This is the second time I’ve viewed the documentary. I simply can’t get enough. It fascinates me. Sometimes, I secretly wish that I wasn’t burdened by a conscience. It must be wonderful to destroy your enemies and drink liquor from their decapitated skulls. Now that’s what I call living!

I went to bed at 10 p.m. and dreamt about sex. Even though I’m getting older, those occasional nocturnal fantasies still creep into my brain. The woman in question was pretty and in her twenties. When the alarm clock sounded, I let out a deep sigh of frustration. It seemed so real.

I walked to the bathroom and read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. Suk Yeol Yoon is the president of South Korea. He has a hot wife named Keon Hee Kim. She’s been accused of insider trading. However, President Yoon has assured the nation that Keon Hee is innocent. I’m inclined to agree. She’s much too sexy to be a criminal. But what do I know?

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “How’s your dog doing?”

I said, “OK, I guess.”

“Is she a happy animal?”

I shrugged. “I think so. How can you tell?”

“Does she wag her tail a lot?”

I nodded. “Yes! In fact, Dolly never stops wagging that damn thing. She must be the happiest dog on this peninsula.”

“Good. Make sure you give her lots of treats.”

“My wife won’t let me. Our pooch is on a strict diet. No people food under any circumstances.”

I walked to the living room and watched The Five on Fox News. There’s a huge fire in Palestine, Ohio, that is sending poison gas all over the place. Animals and fish are dying by the score. But governor Mike Dewine has assured the citizens of his state that it’s safe to go home. However, nobody believes him. He’s just another lying politician.

The Dragon Lady said, “I make you da bleakfast.”

I said, “Thanks.”

She handed me a plate filled with hash browns. They were covered in salt.

I’m on a diet these days. So far, I’ve lost thirty pounds, and I’m trying to avoid carbohydrates. Therefore, I usually just eat fruit and vegetables with an occasional piece of fish thrown into the mix. But I was afraid to turn the meal down. I thought that my wife might punch me in the head. So I ate the vittles with a big retarded grin on my ugly fat face. I always do my best to remain polite no matter the situation. Good for me.