My Wife Found a Job

(The Dragon Lady now has a job.)

Yesterday, I walked to church with Rice-Boy Larry. The heat was nearly unbearable. In fact, we could literally see steam rising from the sidewalk as we marched toward our destination. I shit you not. But we struck up a conversation along the way to relieve us from our distress.

He said, "Mom has a job."

"You're kidding me?"

He shook his head. "Nope. She was hired by a factory that produces semi-conductors. She says that her salary is now the same as yours."

"Well, good for her. I hope that she finds happiness."

Of course, this was all bullshit. Deep inside, I was actually pretty fucking angry. I've been begging her to seek employment for the last four years. Yet when she was living with me, the only thing she did all day was vacuum the floor over and over again while wearing her pajamas. But after moving in with her sister, she suddenly manages to get herself a well-paying gig. Go figure, right? As you can imagine, the news was a real kick to the balls. I guess you could call it her final fuck you.

My boy must have noticed the expression of disdain upon my face.

He said, "What's the matter?"

I frowned at him. "Do you realize how much money her mental illness has cost us as a family?"

"No."

"Tons. We could have purchased several brand-new cars with all that green she threw to the wind. Then we wouldn't have to hoof it from here to there."

Larry shrugged nonchalantly. "Money isn't important."

"Maybe not to you, but it's important to me. In today's society, it's hard to keep the ship afloat with only a single paycheck. We ought to be living on easy street by now, but instead we're a couple of broke dead dicks."

"There's no point in getting hot under the collar. What's done is done."

"Ain't that the fucking truth?" 

By the time we got to the church, we were both covered in so much sweat that we had to go to the restroom to mop ourselves off with paper towels. But the feel of the air conditioning on my flesh filled me with with a huge amount of joy. Nothing will lift your spirits as much as walking into a climate-controlled building. It was heaven. 

The sermon was OK. We are still reading the Book of Isaiah. In these particular chapters, the prophet tells us that God is in charge of everything. He's responsible for our success and failure. He brings both prosperity and calamity upon the people. And he's even the one who causes natural disasters which rip the hearts out of nations as the survivors look on helplessly and weep. Good stuff.

After the service, we walked home together. Once again, the sun beat down upon our heads like a hammer striking an anvil.

Larry said, "Dad, let's take a taxi."

I shook my head. "No, we really need the exercise."

"But this is torture."

"Maybe so. Yet it will get you prepared for your military service."

"I'm not going into the Korean army."

"How do you know?"

"You've told me a million times that they don't want white people."

"Yeah, but what the hell do I know? Besides, you're only half white."

When we finally got back to our apartment, I cooked rice and curry for dinner. The meal was actually pretty good. Then I did a load of laundry as I watched the fight between Jake Paul and Nate Diaz. Paul beat the former UFC champ pretty handily, but it was still an entertaining match.

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The Yankees Suck Ass

(I have a lot of respect for the New York Yankees.)

Yesterday, I had to clean the bathroom. So I squirted bleach all over the walls and floors, and let it soak for fifteen minutes before hosing it down. However, I soon noticed that the hot water wasn't working. On the contrary. All the liquid coming from the showerhead was ice cold. But I thought nothing of it. Perhaps I had simply used it all up, and now the tank was empty.

Rice-Boy Larry got himself a drink. "Dad, what's up with the fridge?"

"How do you mean?"

"It's not working. Even the lights aren't coming on."

I nearly shit my pants with panic. "What the fuck are we going to do? In a few hours, our frozen food will defrost and go bad."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno." Then he nonchalantly walked away as he sipped on his Red Bull.

Needless to say, his blasé attitude really irked me. "You want to know something, son? You're about as useless as tits on a boar."

"Why are you yelling at me? It's not like I broke the fucking thing."

"Just get out of my face."

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I had probably tripped a fuse. So Larry and I found the fuse box at the back of the closet located in the entranceway. And I was correct. I simply flipped the switch, and the refrigerator was as right as rain.

I turned to my boy. "Sorry I yelled at you."

"It's OK. But I have more bad news."

I sighed heavily. "What is it now?"

"The gas company sent the bill to Mom's phone, and we have to figure out how to pay it."

"Can she email it to us?"

"She won't do it. Tomorrow, I'm going to call the company and try to set things straight."

"Are you capable of doing that?"

He nodded. "It shouldn't be a huge problem."

"How much do I owe?"

"About thirty dollars."

"Cool. I thought it would be a lot more."

I sat on the sofa and read the bible. I figured that maybe the word of the Lord would cool my fiery nerves. I am currently reading 1st Corinthians, and I'm on the part where the naughty young man is having sex with his stepmother. Of course, this outrageous act of incest fills Paul with anger. He immediately tells the church to kick the guy to the curb. His exact words are to hand him over to Satan. Unfortunately, this made my anxiety even worse because I often watch porn featuring dudes porking their sexy stepmothers. I could picture Paul shaking his head in disdain as he stared at me with eyes blazing with fury.

Later in the day, I watched the Yankees play the Houston Astros. New York lost again. The team really sucks giant ass, and it might be time to blow the whole thing up and start from scratch. But I have to say this about the Yankees even though they haven't won the Series since 2009. The organization always tries to win. The ownership and the front office never fail to put their money where their mouth is.

I finally went to bed about 1 a.m. and slept like the dead.

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Friday-Night Ritual

(I took Rice-Boy Larry to dinner.)

Last night, I took Rice-Boy Larry to a fried-chicken restaurant. This in now our new Friday-night ritual. At the end of the week, we eat bird together while I drink a pitcher of beer and smoke cigarettes.

He said, "Mom caught Covid again."

I was shocked. "When did this happen?"

"A few days ago."

"And you're just telling me now?"

"I forgot to mention it."

"Is she very sick?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I never asked."

I took a huge sip of beer and walked outside for a puff. I looked into the window of a sushi restaurant. It was packed with Koreans eating raw fish. They were also drinking soju and sake. I never touch hard liquor these days. My body is deteriorating by the minute, and I can no longer handle that type of poison. 

I inhaled my coffin nail right down to the nub and threw the butt into the street. Then I returned to the restaurant.

I said, "Does Mom talk to you every day?"

He nodded. "She sends messages."

"Well, that's not good."

"Why?"

I sighed heavily. "I'm hoping to get through this divorce with as little drama as possible."

"That's never going to happen. Mom once told me that she was going to write evil stuff about us on the internet before committing suicide. She wants the world to know what a couple of assholes we are."

I smiled and waved his comments away. "She's said that to me a million times. But they're only words. I let it roll off my back like water from a duck's ass."

"But do you really think someone like that will ever go away peacefully?"

I thought about it for a couple of seconds and sighed again. "When you're right, you're right."

The meal came to thirty-four dollars, and I paid for the vittles using my bank card. I used to make all my purchases with cash back in the good old days, but now I'm trying to become a hip to this brave new world. In fact, I'm looking forward to a one-world currency. That means that the end times are near, and Jesus will rapture out of this stinking shithole of a planet.

We got home at 9 p.m., and I briefly thought about viewing porno. But I was simply too drunk and exhausted. So I watched several episodes of Vikings instead. I'm on the part in season six where King Harald Finehair returns to Kattegat to take over the trading post. Meanwhile, Ivar the Boneless is still in Kiev trying to outthink the city's ruling autocrat. Good stuff.

I fell asleep at 11 p.m., but I kept waking up during the night in order to piss. I finally crawled out of bed at 8 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, "I'm a little angy."

She said, "Why?"

"I got a message from the hospital the other day. They told me to come in and give them my fecal matter."

"What's the big deal?"

"Well, I recently had a checkup, and I brought my shit with me in a container. But nobody asked me for it at the time."

"So are you taking the bus there?"

I shook my head. "I'm not going."

"How come?"

"The hospital says it's optional. They will check my fecal matter if I wish them to do so. Yet it's not mandatory. It won't affect my health insurance."

"So the government does this for free?"

"That's right."

"Wow. That's a good deal."

"Koreans have long life expectancies. The healthcare is first-rate over in this part of the world."

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Chick-fil-A

(My eldest son is returning to the world of chicken.)

Last night, I called Ken using Facebook Messenger. We talked about his future plans once again. These days, he's living rent free with his Granny in Texas. In fact, he recently quit his old job in order to take a trip to Colorado with his buddies.

I said, "Have you been looking for gainful employment?"

He nodded. "I have an interview with Chick-fil-A on Monday."

I was shocked. "You're going back to Chick-fil-A? Why? Last time, those bastards worked you right to the bone."

And this is true. Ken had a gig there back when he was in high school. They put him in the rear of the store cutting lemons for hours at a time until the poor kid's fingertips started to burn due to the acid in the fruit. He told his manager that he could only work twenty hours a week because of his age. Yet they kept throwing him 33 hours in spite of his protests. It was a real shit show.

He said, "The team leader makes good cash."

"How can you possibly be the team leader? You're going back to college in a couple of weeks."

Ken shrugged. "Who knows? I'll find a way to make things work. Try not to worry."

"Don't over tax yourself. I've been researching this hospital administration plan of yours. Those guys have the potential to make huge money. You shouldn't throw that away over a chicken sandwich."

"Things will be fine."

"One of the guys who reads my blog says that hospitals are filled with homosexuals and bitter cat ladies."

"What can I do? I need to make a living."

"Just be careful what you say. The woke crowd is highly sensitive. No off-color jokes if you value your life."

He changed the subject. "What about you? Are you coming back to America?"

"My mind is very weak. I can only handle one thing at a time. First, I have to finalize the divorce with your mother. Then I'll be able to make a rational choice."

"I think you should return to the States. You're not a Korean."

"Time will tell. But I'm going to save some cash to visit you in the winter regardless of my final decision."

I read the bible. I'm currently studying Romans. It's an epistle written by Paul to the gentiles in Italy. Romans 13 is actually very controversial. Paul says that we should always follow the rules of society because government is a common grace for both believers and unbelievers alike. And I happen to agree. Could you imagine how crazy the world would be without leadership? You wouldn't be able to walk down the street without some mentally impaired motherfucker smashing you on the head with a pipe.

I went to bed at one a.m. and slept like the dead. Then I woke up at 8 a.m. and smoked a Marlboro Red while sipping on a cup of hot coffee. After that, I took a nasty shit as I read the headlines on my smartphone. Korea is currently suffering from a huge heatwave. In fact, it's so hot outside that the weather has even killed a few people. Yet I haven't noticed because I have an air conditioner. It's been running both day and night, so I'm really worried that my next bill might put me in the poorhouse. 

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Pornography

(Sometimes, I enjoy watching complete strangers fornicating.)

Last night, I was dozing when I heard the barking of a dog. I thought it was Dolly, so I popped out of bed and walked to the kitchen. Nothing. Not a thing. Then I went to my son's room. He was playing silly computer games with his friends and talking to them over a set of headphones.

I said, "Son, did your mom come back?"

He said, "What?"

"Is your mom home?"

He shook his head. "No."

"I heard a dog barking."

"That's strange."

"Were you making puppy noises with your buddies?"

He smiled at me. "Of course not."

"Damn. Do you think I'm having auditory hallucinations? That's not good. It's a sign of schizophrenia."

"I seriously doubt if you're a schizophrenic. Maybe you were dreaming, and you heard Dolly in your sleep."

I nodded. "You're probably right."

I returned to my room and viewed pornography. My favorite video featured a hot little number named Tanner Mayes. Tanner is very adept when it comes to sex. She twists and turns and moans and groans. She often plays the role of a young woman being seduced by older men. So what's not to like?

I finally called it a night at 2 a.m., and I had a horrible nightmare that scared the crap out of me. A naked teenager was standing on a balcony breastfeeding two mutant children. I couldn't breathe, and I had to fight the urge to scream.

My eyes suddenly snapped open, and I immediately checked the clock. It was four a.m., and I ran to the toilet to piss like a racehorse. I quickly did my business before climbing back into bed. But I made sure to turn on my television in order to fight the terror by hearing human voices. Sometimes, my imagination gets the better of me.

I eventually woke up at 9 a.m. and bought a cup of freshly brewed coffee at a convenience store. After that, I smoked a Marlboro Red while sipping on my java. The mixture of nicotine and caffeine felt wonderful. It gave me a pleasant buzz.

Then I took the elevator back up to my apartment and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, "Sis is still pretty depressed."

I said, "Because of her divorce?"

"Yes. Even though her husband is a scumbag, she was married to the pig for 28 years. It's hard to let go. You can probably identify."

I shook my head. "No, I cannot. I would rather die than go back to my wife. I'm just afraid of the Korean law."

"How so?"

"No-fault divorce doesn't exist over here. So if she decides to come back, then I'm pretty much fucking screwed. Things would get pretty complicated, and I don't have the money for a lawyer."

"Then what will you do if she tries to get back into your life?"

"Buy a couple of plane tickets and a make a run for it."

"You hate her that much?"

"Hate is a strong word. But it is what it is."

Later that morning, I took a satisfying dump as I read the headlines on my smartphone. A man from the city of Bundang went batshit crazy. He stabbed a bunch of strangers with a knife and hit innocent folk with his car. So far, seventeen people are in the hospital recovering from their injuries. This is unusual for Korea. It's pretty much a safe country.

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Hospital Administration

(My oldest son is now pursuing a career in hospital administration.)  

Yesterday evening, I called Ken using Facebook Messenger. He told me about his future plans. Those of you who follow this blog know that my oldest boy once wanted to become a nurse. However, he has since changed his mind, taking a semester off from college to get his head straight.

He said, "I'm returning to school in a couple of weeks."

I said, "What career have you decided to pursue?"

"I'm going to get a bachelor of science in hospital administration."

I frowned. "What the fuck do they do?"

"They administrate hospitals."

I nodded. "Sounds promising. There are hospitals all over the world. I guess they need pencil pushers to run them."

"The job pays very well."

"Great. So you've given up on the idea of becoming a state cop?"

"Yeah. That's not my cup of tea. I don't want to bear witness to all those gruesome traffic accidents."

"Well, it's your life, son. Take my advice with a grain of salt. Your dad is a first-rate screwhead."

If I were Ken's age, I'd join the U.S. Air Force and become a military policeman. The great thing about the Air Force is that only the officers get killed. Plus you aren't stuck out at sea aboard some ship with a bunch of potential homosexuals. But that's me. I guess the life of a hospital administrator has it's upside. You get to sit behind a big fancy desk as uppity doctors chew you out when the coffee machine breaks down. So what's not to love?

Later that night, I prepared dinner for me and Rice-Boy Larry. We had sausages. I cooked them in a little oven which fits on one of my shelves. The food wasn't all that great, but it was capable of producing a turd. Now that my wife is gone, I need to make sure that Larry is getting his proper nutrition. I don't want him to start looking like a Holocaust survivor. What would the judge say?

I watched several episodes of Vikings while sitting on my sofa. I've seen the show a million times, yet I never get tired of it. Vikings just might be my all-time favorite. Anyway, I'm on the part where King Harold Finehair screws over Bjorn Ironside to become the ruler of Norway. 

Then it was time for porn. I viewed several videos over the course of two hours. My favorite featured an actress named Ava Addams. She a large-chested old whore who often performs the role of an older vixen looking for young men. She's quite exciting in my opinion. With that said, I'm not sure what type of ladies are attracted to a career in smut. They must be dealing with a ton of demons. Don't get me wrong. I'm not judging. After all, I'm the pervert watching them fornicate.

I went to bed at 1 a.m. and slept like the dead. Then I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. After that, I read the headlines on my smartphone as I took a nasty shit. Two friends from the city of Yeosu got into a heated squabble. One of them killed the other with a rock. He is now in custody after being charged with murder.

And the river keeps right on flowing.

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It's Not His Time

(2024 belongs to Orange Donald.)

Yesterday, I made fried rice for dinner. I also threw some pork and eggs into the pan. The meal didn't taste all that great, but it was capable of producing a turd. Things could always be worse. At least I'm not starving in Uganda while an angry witch doctor fucks me in the ass. So there you go. With that said, it's not easy being a single father. I have to cook and clean and do the laundry as I work a fulltime job. The toil never ends. Yet it's a labor of love. I'm simply glad that I'm not alone in my struggle.

I sat on the sofa during my free time and watched Fox News. Laura Ingraham told her audience that black people are defecting from the democratic party in droves. However, I'm not buying the bullshit. All the black folk I know are staunch Biden supporters. The only hope Orange Donald has in 2024 is an uprising by whitey. Those liberal soccer moms have to change their stripes, or we're all screwed. I'm not holding my breath.

At 11 p.m., I walked to my room and viewed pornography. The South Korean government blocks most of the filthy websites, but for some strange reason, Xhamster still functions. The peninsula isn't nearly as free as the United States when it comes to hardcore smut. It's ironic because you can't throw a rock in this nation without hitting a whorehouse. So go figure that one out. Anyway, favorite video of the evening involved two Filipina ladies banging a lucky white dude. They both had perfect tits and wonderful asses. Those babes were delicious. Real yummy.

After getting my jollies, I asked Christ for forgiveness. I explained to him that I'm a single oldster who is no longer on the prowl. I'll never know the touch of a woman again, so dirty movies are all I have left. Jesus didn't respond, but I know in my heart that he isn't amused by my antics. Make no mistake. Pornography is a sin. Watching complete strangers fornicate is pretty creepy when you think about. Yet I can't seem to help myself.

I fell asleep at one a.m. and had a nightmare. A demon named Dick Peterman was in the kitchen mixing Martinis. I told him to get the fuck out of my house, but he scolded me for my lack of hospitality. He said that even though he was a fallen angel, that was no excuse for my rudeness toward him. So I helplessly sat at the table and watched in horror as he sipped my alcohol with his thick red lips and pointy teeth.

I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A lot of stray cats in Seoul are falling prey to the avian flu. Scientists fear that the virus might spread to humans. The strain seems very powerful. It's killing many of the fur babies.

I called my mom using Facebook Messenger.

She said, "I'm really surprised that Ron DeSantis is doing so poorly."

I shrugged. "He doesn't seem to be a people person."

"How do you mean?"

"Under a national spotlight, he's a tad stale."

"I've heard that he's done wonderful things for Florida."

I nodded in agreement. "That's the rumor. But his lack of wisdom is astounding. 2024 belongs to Orange Donald. Every fool knows that."

"Trump's always been my guy."

"Well, there you go. He never should have entered this race. It's not his time."

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