The Yankees Suck Ass

(I have a lot of respect for the New York Yankees.)

Yesterday, I had to clean the bathroom. So I squirted bleach all over the walls and floors, and let it soak for fifteen minutes before hosing it down. However, I soon noticed that the hot water wasn't working. On the contrary. All the liquid coming from the showerhead was ice cold. But I thought nothing of it. Perhaps I had simply used it all up, and now the tank was empty.

Rice-Boy Larry got himself a drink. "Dad, what's up with the fridge?"

"How do you mean?"

"It's not working. Even the lights aren't coming on."

I nearly shit my pants with panic. "What the fuck are we going to do? In a few hours, our frozen food will defrost and go bad."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno." Then he nonchalantly walked away as he sipped on his Red Bull.

Needless to say, his blasé attitude really irked me. "You want to know something, son? You're about as useless as tits on a boar."

"Why are you yelling at me? It's not like I broke the fucking thing."

"Just get out of my face."

Suddenly, it occurred to me that I had probably tripped a fuse. So Larry and I found the fuse box at the back of the closet located in the entranceway. And I was correct. I simply flipped the switch, and the refrigerator was as right as rain.

I turned to my boy. "Sorry I yelled at you."

"It's OK. But I have more bad news."

I sighed heavily. "What is it now?"

"The gas company sent the bill to Mom's phone, and we have to figure out how to pay it."

"Can she email it to us?"

"She won't do it. Tomorrow, I'm going to call the company and try to set things straight."

"Are you capable of doing that?"

He nodded. "It shouldn't be a huge problem."

"How much do I owe?"

"About thirty dollars."

"Cool. I thought it would be a lot more."

I sat on the sofa and read the bible. I figured that maybe the word of the Lord would cool my fiery nerves. I am currently reading 1st Corinthians, and I'm on the part where the naughty young man is having sex with his stepmother. Of course, this outrageous act of incest fills Paul with anger. He immediately tells the church to kick the guy to the curb. His exact words are to hand him over to Satan. Unfortunately, this made my anxiety even worse because I often watch porn featuring dudes porking their sexy stepmothers. I could picture Paul shaking his head in disdain as he stared at me with eyes blazing with fury.

Later in the day, I watched the Yankees play the Houston Astros. New York lost again. The team really sucks giant ass, and it might be time to blow the whole thing up and start from scratch. But I have to say this about the Yankees even though they haven't won the Series since 2009. The organization always tries to win. The ownership and the front office never fail to put their money where their mouth is.

I finally went to bed about 1 a.m. and slept like the dead.

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