Advanced Math

 

(Calculus is easier for some than others.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. The United Nations recently called Gaza a graveyard for children. Needless to say, I’m not a huge fan of this organization. I believe it to be both anti-Israel and anti-American. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the U.N. is secretly hoping that the Muslim horde will declare a jihad against the Great Satan. But what do I know?

I cooked bacon and hash browns for my boy. However, I soon discovered that he was sick.

He said, “I think I have the flu.”

I said, “How do you know?”

“I have a huge sore throat, and I can’t stop blowing my nose.”

“That’s a motherfucker. I hope I don’t get it. I don’t want to lose any time from work.”

“Why do you have to be such an asshole? This isn’t about you.”

Of course, Rice-Boy Larry was a hundred percent correct. My words were highly insensitive. But kids don’t understand what it’s like to be an adult. The world doesn’t grind to a stop when we’re ill. And let me tell you retards something. If I take a few days off from my endless toil, the amount of paper stacked on my desk will be enough to drown an elephant. Therefore, good health is essential for a blind toothless geezer like me.

I looked at my son. “Can you at least eat your vittles?”

He nodded. “I think so.”

“Well, go lay in your bed, and I’ll bring the food to you.”

Later that morning, I caught the bus to school. I arrived at my office at 7:30 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “I think Larry has the flu.”

“That’s a shame. Are you going to take him to the hospital?”

“He’ll go himself. He doesn’t need me to hold his hand. In fact, we have a general practitioner right across the road. He can walk there in less than five minutes.”

“That’s wonderful.”

“It really is wonderful. Plus it’s dirt cheap, too. The office visit and the medicine will cost me less than twenty bucks.”

“Yes, but are you receiving first-rate care? In America, it’s tough to get to see a doctor right away. Yet the treatment is state of the art.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I have no idea if it’s first-rate care. However, I can give you some stats. Koreans have a much higher life expectancy than their American counterparts. So it can’t be all that bad.”

“There you go again. Always badmouthing your country.”

I shook my head vigorously from side to side. “I love the United States. It’s a great place. But let’s speak the truth. Our healthcare system sucks giant ass.”

My day at work went well. I’m currently teaching some challenging grammar to the middle school rugrats. They’re learning how to diagram sentences with gerunds, participial phrases, and infinitive phrases. And you should listen to them complain. It’s a non-stop bitch festival.

I said, “C’mon, children. It’s not that hard. You’re acting like I’m asking you to do calculus.”

One girl raised her hand. “I feel at liberty to speak for the Asian contingent of our class. And we all agree that calculus is a lot easier than this crap.”

Advanced math easier than English grammar? Only a kid from the Orient would spew such nonsense.

I laughed so hard that I nearly pissed my pants.

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