Grammar Problems

 

(Even though I'm a teacher, I still have brain farts.)

Today, I woke up at 5 a.m. and rushed to the bathroom. I had to piss like a racehorse, but the task proved difficult. Why? I was sporting a rock-hard Woody, so it wasn’t easy getting the urine into the bowl. After that, I smoked a cigarette and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I wolfed down three jelly donuts before taking a shit and a shower.

I caught the bus at 7 a.m. and got to school by seven-thirty. I had to a lot of stuff to do such as grading essays. However, I managed to complete the work by 9 a.m. before running to another building to cover an absent teacher’s classes. This lady is down for the count with Covid. She’s had the illness three times. Ain’t that a bitch?

I gave the children the worksheets that their instructor had left for me. Then I spent the next hour pouring over my thoughts. A recent dream came to mind. I had had a nightmare about Brad Pitt a couple nights ago. In it, the cops had shown up at my door in the early morning hours. It was still dark outside.

One of the officers handed me a restraining order. “Leave Mr. Pitt alone.”

“A restraining order? That’s crazy. I’ve never met the man.”

“Look, buddy. I just work here. But keep your distance, or I’ll throw your ass in jail.”

“For what crime? I’ve haven’t even spoken to a single famous person in my life.”

“If you keep giving me problems, I’m gonna bust you right in the mouth. You won’t be so pretty anymore, will you?”

Then Mr. Pitt showed up right out of nowhere. He gave me the stink eye and waved his fists violently in front of my face.

“Look, Jack, I don’t know you, and you’re not my friend. So leave me the fuck alone.”

I tried to explain to him that I’m not a stalker. But it was no use. He kept threatening to kick the crap out of me.

One of the students tapped me on the shoulder. “Why are you smiling?”

I looked at her with a big goofy grin. “I was remembering one of my nightmares.”

“Do bad dreams always make you laugh?”

I shrugged. “Sometimes. I only become afraid if the devil is involved.”

Which is true. Satan has always frightened me to no end. I made the mistake of watching The Exorcist when I was twelve years old, and I’ve never been the same since that awful day. The film really fucked my life up.

Later in the afternoon, I gave a grammar test to a bunch of seventh graders. One of the questions confused me. The correct answer sounded clumsy to my ears. We’ve been studying comparatives and superlatives, and the solution to the problem was this: Which four cars performed worst on the recent road test? To my sensibilities, the sentence seems kind of awkward because it’s missing the article the before worst. It really screwed with my head, and in response I gave everybody full credit no matter what they wrote down on the paper.

I felt kind of ashamed afterward. If seventh-grade grammar is turning me into a loon, then there isn’t much hope for a loser like me. The only place left might be The Waffle House.

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