Sex Education

(Rice-Boy Larry is being educated about the birds and bees.)

Yesterday, I got home at 6 p.m. and smoked a Marlboro Red. Then I took the elevator to my apartment with the intention of cooking dinner. Suddenly, I was seized by a sense of lethargy. The idea of preparing fried rice sent shivers down my spine. Plus the notion of doing another load of laundry felt like a crushing defeat. Instead, I drank a beer.

Larry said, "I'm starving."

I nodded. "So am I."

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. Finally, he spoke up. "Are you going to make dinner?"

I shook my head. "Not a chance in the world."

"Then I guess we're both going to starve."

I sighed heavily. "Let's go to the chicken restaurant."

"But aren't you trying to save money?"

"Yes. However, I'm too exhausted to lift a single finger."

To make a long story even more tedious, I bought a platter of fried bird and a pitcher of beer. The suds tasted great as the liquid slid down my throat. It was just what the doctor ordered.

Larry said, "The pretty girl isn't here tonight."

I shrugged. "Maybe she's meeting her boyfriend."

He changed the subject. "I had to take a sex education class today."

My ears perked up. "What did they teach you?"

"They mainly spoke about masturbation."

I frowned. "Man, that doesn't sound very exciting. Leave it to the libtards to turn fornication into a drag."

We both devoured the chicken with enthusiasm. Rice-Boy and I are simply crazy about poultry. We can never get enough. Then we started looking at stuff we could purchase online. You'd be surprised. Toilet paper. Bacon. Steak. Bread. Bottled water. Coca-Cola. The list went on and on.

I pointed my finger at Larry's chest to lend gravity to my words. "I really don't see the need to get a car. We can buy our groceries over the computer, and they will even deliver the stuff right to our door."

"It certainly makes things more convenient."

We got back to the house at 9 p.m., and I sat on the sofa to watch Fox News. The governor of Arizona said that she's been thinking about convening a grand jury to indict Trump. However, she later recanted her words. Orange Donald has really opened my eyes. I always knew that the people in charge were complete slime, but I never understood how evil they truly were until he came along.

I finally fell asleep at 10 p.m. Yet I had to keep popping out of bed to take a piss. That's the thing about beer. Now that I'm older, it goes right through me like wind from a duck's ass.

The alarm sounded at 5 a.m., and I drank a cup of instant coffee in the kitchen. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A woman from Seoul had to pay $1,500 for slipping laxatives into the water of a high school student. It really caused the kid a lot of problems. He couldn't study for a big exam because he was constantly defecating.

Later that morning, I caught the bus and went to work. The driver was a maniac. I thought he might kill us all. Luckily, I arrived at my destination in one piece. Good for me.