The Air Force

 

(I always wanted to be a policeman.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Last September, a Korean couple from Geoje had a little baby boy. But they were strapped for cash and sadly decided that they didn’t have the means to start a new family. So they strangled the infant and buried his body in the woods. The authorities are now searching for the corpse both night and day in order to put this case to rest. Needless to say, the couple has been charged with murder and will now spend significant time behind bars. Korea is notoriously soft on crime, and eventually these killers will see the light of day.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I surfed the internet. There’s a pastor in China named Yang Xibo who runs a popular house church with many congregants. But house churches are strictly forbidden on the mainland. Citizens are required to worship in government-authorized facilities. Anyway, Big Brother came down hard, fining Mr. Yang $55,000 for his crime. However, the minister remains upbeat. He says that he’s as poor as a beggar, so good luck getting the money. There’s a huge Christian revival going on in China these days, and it has the-powers-that-be quaking in their jackboots. Jesus is kicking some serious ass over in that part of the world.

I called Nurse Ken using KakaoTalk. I was surprised when he picked up the phone. Usually, he ignores me.

I said, “Have you made any plans?”

He said, “About what?”

“Your future. Now that you don’t want to be a nurse, you have to start thinking on other occupations.”

He sighed heavily. “You’re such a pain in the ass.”

“I can’t help myself, son. It’s the way God created me.”

There was an awkward moment of silence. He finally spoke up. “What would you do?”

“You can’t rely on me, Ken. I’m a complete fuck up. In fact, I often compare myself to George Costanza on the Seinfeld show. You should do the opposite of what I tell you.”

“Don’t be such a pussy. If you were me, how would you approach the situation?”

I shot him a smile. “I would join the Air Force and become a military policeman.”

“A military policeman?”

I nodded enthusiastically. “It was always my childhood dream to become a cop. It’s a man’s job. Nursing is a great career, and I have much respect for the profession. Yet the field is filled with women and homosexuals. But a military policeman? C’mon. It doesn’t get more macho than that.”

He shook his head from side to side. “Joining the armed forces is a bad idea. I don’t want to get gunned down in some far-flung hellhole.”

“That’s the best thing about the Air Force. Only the officers get killed. The rest of the guys get to spend their free time playing golf and drinking beer.”

“I’ll give it some serious thought.”

I held up my hands in a sign of surrender. “Don’t think too hard. And try to remember who is giving you the advice. I’m certainly no winner in life.”

The rest of my day went pretty well. I watched the Yankees get trounced by the Cardinals. St. Louis is a strange team. The squad is loaded to the gills with talent, yet they still suck giant ass. With all those studs on the club, you’d think they’d be serious contenders. Go figure.

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