Mediocrity

 

(I'm fine with being a mediocre slob.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. After that, I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A geezer in his 60s was driving down the road on Jeju Island when his path was blocked by a stray cat. He honked his horn several times, but the feline simply refused to move. So gramps put his car in park and took an air rifle out of his trunk. He then shot the poor beast in the neck and watched in glee as the animal suffered and died. Needless to say, his neighbors were aghast and immediately called the police. He was arrested by the-powers-that-be and now faces charges of animal cruelty. Some people are just fucking assholes. Plain and simple.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I surfed the internet. Dolly Parton is making a rock album in which she covers various hits throughout the decades. One of the songs she wanted to perform is Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones. To that end, she got Mick Jagger on the horn and floated the idea of a duet to celebrate the classic tune. Unfortunately, Mick told her to fuck off. However, she has managed to land lots of stars willing to work with her, including John Fogerty, Steve Perry, and Sting. I like Dolly. I think she’s aces. My favorite ditty by the country legend is Apple Jack. It’s wonderful.

I called Nurse Ken using KakaoTalk. He actually answered the phone. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

I said, “Granny told me that you don’t want to be a nurse anymore.”

He said, “I’m not doing well on the HESI Exam. I can’t get my anatomy score above a seventy-five.”

“But your overall average is more than a 75. Send in your application and see what they say.”

He shook his head. “I’m simply not feeling it. I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life working with all that bodily fluid.”

“Bodily fluid?”

“Blood, shit, and piss.”

“But that’s part of the human condition, son. We all bleed. We all shit. And we all piss.”

“I have other plans. I want to fly jets for the Air Force.”

I chuckled derisively. “And I want to play point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. Yet that probably isn’t going to happen.”

“Are you saying that I can’t do it?”

“No. Anything is possible with God. But I’ve run into a few military pilots throughout the years. They’re all in marvelous shape. Plus they’re great students. Do you know how hard it is to get into the Air Force Academy? I certainly couldn’t do it.”

“Then what do you suggest?”

I popped a piece of nicotine gum in my mouth and took a few chews. “Why not use the credits you have and switch your major to education? You could even get a job here in Korea, and in the future we can drink beer and eat chicken on Friday nights. Family style.”

“That’s for losers.”

I shrugged. “Who are you trying to impress?”

Ken changed the subject. “Is mom still divorcing you?”

“That’s what she claims.”

“You should come back to America.”

“I’m giving it some serious thought, but I don’t know if I can handle being a Waffle-House boy at my age. It’s rather humiliating.”

“Well, I don’t want to be a Waffle-House boy, either.”

“Yes, but you’re young enough to climb the corporate ladder. You’ll be a manager in two years if you show up on time for work and keep your mouth shut.”

“I want more from life.”

“Well, good luck with that. I certainly hope you do better than me.”

I’m not a pessimist. Nor am I criticizing my child. Yet realism is an important quality. Not everyone is cut out to be Tom Cruise in Top Gun. The world needs mediocre slobs, too. I’m not ashamed of who I am. I work hard. I follow the law of the land. And most importantly, I pay homage to God daily through prayer and bible study. So what the fuck is wrong with that?

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