Sylvia Plath

(Sylvia had a tough life.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty dump. A foreigner wrote an op-ed bemoaning the fact that Koreans aren’t nice to the homosexual community. She says that gay folk are often physically abused by the nation’s conservative Christians. But I have to call bullshit on her claims.

The peninsula is one of the safest countries in the world and is almost completely devoid of street crime. And this level of security also extends to the sodomites. I’ve been living here for over a decade, and never once have I seen a fairy get stomped. Now, with that said, I wouldn’t go out and French kiss my boyfriend in public--which is just plain old common sense. It’s always best to perform your debauchery within the privacy of your own home. You can protest all you want. But if the citizens of Sodom had followed this sound advice, God wouldn’t have nuked their city.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I surfed the internet. The Netherlands in now euthanizing autistic people and retards. I shit you not. You could have knocked me over with a feather. This behavior is right out of Adolf’s playbook. One recorded case includes a Dutch woman in her 30s who was afflicted both with autism and borderline personality disorder. She told a board of physicians that she couldn’t form meaningful connections with other humans, so they zapped her for her own good. How disgusting is that? On the other hand, maybe I could send the Dragon Lady to this nation for a short vacation. It’s certainly worth a second look.

My day at work went well. I’m currently reading a short story by Sylvia Plath called Initiation. It’s about a pretty teenager who wants to join a high school sorority. I didn’t even know that sororities existed for young girls. I always thought it was more of a college thing.

I said, “Sylvia had quite the life. She was smart and beautiful and talented. Plus she got all of her education for free at swanky universities.”

This piqued everybody’s interest. My students dream about attending the Ivy League.

One girl raised her hand. “Where did she go to school?”

“Sylvia got her bachelor’s from Smith. And then she went to Cambridge for her graduate degree.”

“I’ve never heard of Smith.”

I nodded. “I guess it’s not world famous. But it’s highly regarded in America and is located in the state of Massachusetts. Smith is a female university that costs a bazillion dollars to attend. It attracts wealthy liberal feminists who like to complain about income inequality.”

She wrote the name of the school in her notebook. I could see the wheels in her head moving about a million miles per hour.

I said, “Are you thinking of applying?”

She shrugged. “Maybe. I haven’t made up my mind yet.”

“Well, it didn’t work out too well for poor Ms. Plath.”

A look of alarm crossed her face. “Why? What happened?”

“She married a guy named Ted Hughes. Ted was a womanizer.”

“He was a professor at Smith?”

I shook my head. “No. Ted was a famous poet from England.”

“Did she divorce him?”

I shook my head again. “Sylvia stuck her head in the oven and killed herself by inhaling the gas. Her children were in their bedrooms when she murdered herself.”

She shot me a weak smile. “You’re always such a downer.”

“True. But the story actually gets worse. Ted married another woman named Assia Wevill. She committed suicide, too. But before she died, she also killed the child they had together. The kid’s name was Shura.”

“That’s terrible.”

“Yes. Absolutely awful. But there’s a lesson behind these tragedies.”

“And what’s that?”

I paused for dramatic effect. “Sometimes, you might think you have it all when all you really have is a big fat nothing.”

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, my friends. Because the only true losers are the ones who spend eternity burning in a lake of fire. And don’t try to argue. These words come straight from the king.

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