Pathetic Human Being

 

(I need to make some serious changes.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Two doctors in Seoul were arrested for prescribing fentanyl patches to a 30-year-old drug addict. This junkie would jump from hospital to hospital in a quest for painkillers. He managed to accumulate over 7,500 doses of the drug before the cops intervened. Narcotics are a huge issue here on the peninsula. The current president is cracking down on dealers, but his policy is a double-edged sword. For instance, I had a series of root canals a few years back, and all the dentist gave me for my discomfort was Tylenol. I couldn’t sleep because of the agony and prayed to God for a Percocet. Yet I was forced to grin and bear the physical burden.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I surfed the internet. A guy from New York named Patrick Proefriedt got into an argument with his wife. So he went to his room and retrieved his crossbow. Then he fired a bolt at the lady in an attempt to kill her. Unfortunately, she was holding their three-week-old daughter at the time, and the arrow pieced the poor baby in the chest before impaling the mother. The child died instantly, but the woman is currently recovering in the hospital. Mr. Proefriedt is now in custody and will spend the rest of his life in prison.

I balled up a sock and started playing with Dolly the dog. She’s a big fan of fetch.

The Dragon Lady sneered at me. “What are you doing?”

“I’m having fun with the pooch.”

“Stop it.”

“Why?”

“It too earwy to pray.”

“Too early to play? What kind of crap is that?”

“It not cwap. It twue.”

I smiled at her. “You’re a sadist, aren’t you?”

“What?”

“You’re not happy unless I’m in pain.”

And my words were not hyperbole. I live in a house of horrors. As soon as I get home, I’m forced to wash my feet and hands as she vacuums furiously to clean up my filth. Then I change into my jammies and walk gingerly to my room. After that, I sit alone and watch Netflix until I eventually fall asleep. We haven’t shared the same bed in more than a decade, and we have sex about once or twice a year. Which begs this question: Am I some type of a twisted masochist? Seriously. I ain’t kidding. Only a retard would endure that type of bullshit. What? Do I enjoy getting tortured? Maybe I’m the one who is all fucked up in the head.

I said, “Let’s get a divorce. In two weeks, I’ll have some time off work.”

My wife grinned at me like an evil jack-o-lantern. “You tink you have da fun? You eat da chicken and dwink da beer? Dats what you tink?” She let out an evil peel of laughter. “I make you rife hell. You watch and see. Soon, it my tawn.”

“Your turn for what?”

“I not tell you. But you see. And it not good. You destwoy my rife. And now I destwoy you rife.”

I sighed heavily. “How have I destroyed your life? I’ve been nothing but kind to you.”

She shrugged. “It not mattah. Kolea berongs to me. No you. You onry da strangah. Good ruck, asshoe.”

Then she laughed again and walked away.

And that, my friends, is how I live. I’m a pathetic human being.

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