Fuck Jesse Watters

 

(Tucker Carlson has been replaced by a dullard with nice hair.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. It’s now the monsoon season here in Korea, and Seoul is getting drenched by heavy rain. Supposedly, we’re currently being slammed with over 100 millimeters of rain. But your beloved narrator isn’t hip to the metric system, so I’m not even sure if that’s a serious amount of precipitation. However, I will tell you this. I feel like Noah at the beginning of the flood. The skies are angry and the thunder is clapping, and soon I fear I shall be washed away into the gutter by this endless deluge of water. I’ll just leave it at that.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I surfed the internet. Fox News has decided to promote Jesse Watters to Tucker Carlson’s old timeslot. This makes me want to puke. Jesse is a handsome moron with beautiful hair, so the horny housewives will love him. But his IQ is extremely low, and he truly has nothing to say. I’ve seen him from time to time on The Five, and this dullard is as bland as a saltine cracker without jelly. Therefore, I view his promotion as a slap in the face to intelligence. Bottom line? I’ll never watch Fox News again. Fuck you, Jesse Watters, and fuck the horse you rode in on.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “How’s your wife doing?”

I said, “OK. She’s actually in a good mood this morning.”

“Really? Is she being nice to you?”

I shrugged. “She hasn’t called me a cunt so far. To me, that’s a good day.”

Mom laughed and laughed. “Wow. That’s disgusting. She doesn’t actually talk that way. You’re exaggerating.”

I shook my head. “I wish I was. I’ve been called every dirty word in the book in three languages. English. Korean. And Japanese.”

She changed the subject. “My blood pressure is a little high.”

“What is it?”

“146.”

“Is that bad?”

“Well, it’s not good. I think it’s because I have an eye infection.”

“Did you call your doctor?”

“No. I can’t be bothered. I went and got some medicine from the pharmacy.”

I shot her a dirty look and waved my finger in front of her face. “You can’t do that! You just had a stroke for Christ’s sake. You must visit a professional. It’s a matter of life and death.”

“But it takes forever to get an appointment. Maybe I’ll go to the emergency room if it gets too bad.”

Mom’s got good health insurance. Yet she is often forced to wait a month or more before her preferred physician has an open slot to see her. In the past, I’ve told her to find a solid doctor who is less popular than her favorite. However, she swears by this guy. He’s a handsome man from Cuba, and this turns her on for some strange reason.

So I decided not to argue. After all, there’s no point in beating a dead horse.

My day at work went OK. I am reading a story with the middle school called The Interlopers. It was written by a guy named Saki. The tale is about two enemies who get trapped under a huge tree branch. While immobile and injured, they both agree to become friends. However, their new friendship ends abruptly when they are both eaten by wolves.

I said, “Who’s seen the movie Frozen?”

They all raised their hands.

I said, “What did Else sing?”

They screamed this in unison: “Let It Go!”

“That’s right. And it’s great advice. We all have a date with the grave, so we shouldn’t hold on to grudges.”

My friends, I’m certainly no genius. That’s why I rely on God for my wisdom. Like Christ said, you’ll be judged by the same measure that you judge others. So be very careful, or you’ll end up in the lake of fire.