The Gospel

(Good people go to hell.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a freshly brewed cup of coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A teacher in Ulsan was accused of verbally abusing his students. He told them that they were acting like a bunch of idiots and criticized their moral upbringing. The parents took him to court for his saucy language. The judge said that he could find nothing criminal regarding the instructor’s behavior. In fact, the judge went on to say that many of the kids in this particular classroom have behavioral problems and deserve to be scolded. For instance, one child is guilty of stabbing his classmate with the pointy end of a pencil.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I browsed the internet. Jane Fonda is blaming climate change on white men. She believes that these villains should be thrown in jail for endangering the lives of women and black folk. But cheap energy is actually a blessing to the world. What would we do without the heat generated by oil? Lots of people would die off within the span of a decade. Jane is the cunt who went to Vietnam and betrayed our troops by supporting the communists. She’s obviously still living in her pampered fantasy world.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “My blood pressure is really good today. It’s 117 over 63.”

I said, “Wow. That’s great. Even mountain climbers would be jealous of that reading.”

“This medicine works wonders.”

“That’s why you got to keep taking it.”

Mom changed the subject. “Are you going to church today?”

I nodded. “I have to. I missed the last two weeks because of illness.”

“Are you walking?”

“No, I’ve decided to take the car. My body still feels like it got hit by a mini-van.”

“Religion has never made anyone a good person.”

“Christianity isn’t a religion.”

“No? Then what would you call it?”

“It’s a group of folk who realize that they are disgusting sinners, and this knowledge breaks them. Then the Holy Spirit appears, telling them the good news about Christ. And that’s when they know that the only way to be accepted by God is through their belief in Jesus. His blood both sanctifies and justifies them.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Good people go to hell. That’s the gospel.”

“Good people go to hell? What kind of shit is that?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s actually pretty simple. There’s no room in the Kingdom for the self-righteous.”

Later that morning, I watched the game between the Celtics and the Heat. It was very exciting. Miami had a one-point lead with three seconds remaining. It looked like they were on their way to the NBA finals. But Boston hit a lucky shot with no time left on the clock. I thought my heart was going to explode right in my chest. Basketball is simply too exciting. I simply can’t handle the ups and downs. Therefore, I prefer baseball.

In the afternoon, I drove to church with Rice-Boy Larry. It was communion. We do it once a month. My pastor was dressed up like a fairy. He was wearing a long black robe and a long red sash. It was all very Roman. His outfit made me uncomfortable. I’m not into human pomp and glory. It turns my stomach. 

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