Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly
brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty
dump. There’s been a huge increase in the number of pregnant women in their 40s
here on the peninsula. This late-term motherhood fad is a direct result of
feminism. Korean women are some of the most educated females on the entire
planet. And the last thing they want to do is weigh themselves down with a man
who fails to meet their high standards. So they wait until they are almost
half-dead before bearing children. This attitude has put the entire Korean race
in huge jeopardy. I shit you not. Nobody is having babies these days. And soon
foreigners will have to be imported to keep the nation from collapsing.
I ate hash browns for breakfast as I surfed the internet. A
21-year-old Mexican migrant went to a New York City hospital complaining of
pains in her stomach. She emerged from one of the bathrooms covered in blood
and immediately left the property. Sadly, a newborn was found in the toilet’s
trashcan. But the kid is still alive and kicking. He’s a real fighter. Mom was
promptly arrested on the charge of assault. She faces a mountain of prison time
in the near future.
Later in the day, the Dragon Lady walked into my room. “I
not buy da banana.”
I said, “No bananas? But that’s what I eat for lunch.”
“It not good idea. Da banana go bad. Dey all brack aftah da
week. I give you clackah for runch.”
“Crackers for lunch? But I’m on a diet, and I don’t want to
backslide.” I pointed my finger at her. “Hand me a few bucks, and I’ll go buy
some oranges.”
She shook her head. “Orangee not good. Dis is not light time
for orangee. Da fluit is dwy.”
“I don’t care if it’s dry. I’m more interested in the
calories.”
“Today, you eat da clackah. And tomollow you have da banana.”
The Dragon Lady hates the fact that I lost fifty pounds. In
her mind, she thinks it’s a threat. She sees me as a potential sexy beast who
will attract lots of sexual interest from the other females in the neighborhood.
Therefore, she prefers me covered in a protective layer of blubber. I’m not
kidding. My wife is that crazy.
Anyway, I spent the afternoon watching the Yankees on my
computer. They managed to defeat the Padres by a couple of runs. It was a hard-fought
victory. They have now won two games in a row. Aaron Judge hit another towering
homerun. This makes fifteen on the season.
After that, I viewed a film called Hereditary. It’s a
horror masterpiece written and directed by a guy named Ari Aster. I’ve seen it
a million times, but it never gets old. It’s one of those movies with lots of
hidden Easter eggs. So you have to be hyper vigilant while appreciating this
work of art.
Rice-Boy Larry entered my room. “I’m leaving for a few
hours.”
I said, “Where are you going?”
“To a soccer match with my friends.”
“A professional game?”
“Yes.”
“How much were the tickets?”
“I got them for free. One of my buddy’s parents is picking
up the tab.”
I smiled. “That’s what I like to hear. Free is always music
to my ears.”
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Koreans, to me, always seemed like the Irish of Asia. Hard drinking, tough women, able to stand the cold, not afraid to fight in the streets, unpredictable and a little crazy.
ReplyDeleteThe Korean gals I knew could whip their weight in wolverine.
That must have been the good old days. Things have changed big time.
DeleteLots of plastic surgeries and boy bands. And all the women want to own a Louis Viton purse.
Delete