Shooting the Shit

 

(I enjoy talking to my buddies.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. There was a horrible case of murder-suicide in the Nowon district of Seoul. A 33-year-old man stabbed his 37-year-old wife to death with a kitchen knife. After that, he jumped to his death with their 3-month-old child in his arms. Nobody can figure out the motive. They weren’t struggling financially. Nor were they disturbing the neighbors with constant marital strife. It remains a mystery.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. A homeless man on the New York subway started throwing garbage at the other passengers. He also threatened them physically, saying that he would kill them all. So a Marine snuck up behind him and subdued the loon with a choke hold. Unfortunately, the crazy bastard died, and now the city is thinking about charging the Marine with murder.

In my day, this would have never happened. We knew how to deal with crazy folk. For instance, one of my teenage friends went nuts back in the 80s. He started throwing all kinds of objects out of his upstairs window and began caterwauling like a banshee. In response, his parents called 9-1-1, and an ambulance showed up 10 minutes later. The paramedics gave him a powerful shot to calm him down, and he was eventually placed in the booby hatch for a couple of weeks. Now he’s as right as rain.

At 9 a.m., I walked to my friend’s house. His name is Sam the man, and he’s a Korean-Canadian. Richard Hurtz was there, too. We ate take-out chicken and shot the shit for a few hours.

I said, “Before I landed this gig in Seoul, I used to work in a small Christian school in Pusan.”

Richard said, “How was it?”

I shrugged. “OK, I guess. We had a crazy pastor who didn’t believe in the resurrection.”

Sam said, “That weird. So the pastor was an atheist?”

I shook my head. “No. He was a deist.”

Richard said, “But it was a Christian school. Can’t you get fired for that?”

I said, “I’m not sure how it works. But there are lots of famous deists. Benjamin Franklin. Thomas Jefferson. George Washington. The list goes on and on.”

Sam said, “Can you define deism?”

I nodded. “It’s when you believe in God but acknowledge that he no longer plays a role in your world. In other words, his creation is left to its own devices.”

Sam said, “Man, that’s depressing. It’s like being abandoned.”

I said, “What are you?”

Sam said, “I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in any of that bullshit. But it makes more sense than worshipping a neglectful father who throws you to the wind.”

Richard said, “I’m an atheist, too. Do you think we’re going to hell.”

I said, “Of course you’re going to hell. You’ve rejected the Messiah. But don’t feel like the Lone Ranger. According to the scripture, the road to heaven is very narrow. Most will end up in the abyss. So you should have lots of company.”

Sam said, “What happened to the pastor?”

I said, “He’s currently in America teaching at a Christian school.”

Richard said, “Man, that’s fucked up.”

I said, “What can you do?”

I had a nice time gabbing with my buddies, but the Dragon Lady kept calling. She hates it when I hang out with other people. She prefers to keep me isolated and miserable. However, she can go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. Now that the kids are older, she no longer has any control over my life.

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