Baseball Is Leisurely

 

(Watching the Yankees relaxes me.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A think tank from Beijing says that South Korea is the most expensive place in the world to raise children. But that isn’t exactly true. All the money goes to education. The kids are often forced by their parents to attend after-school academies to improve their math and English skills. Mom and Dad also pay lots of cash so that their offspring can learn how to play piano and violin. Trust me. It adds up. Maybe I’m a bad father, but I don’t send my son to any of these institutions. I simply refuse to keep up with the Joneses.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. There’s a young man in the American navy named Joshua Kelly. He’s currently a petty officer who works as a yeoman. During his free time, he performs as a drag queen as a chick called Harpy Daniels. The government is now using Harpy as a recruiting tool, hoping that she can influence other members of the LGBTQ community to join the military. I don’t know what to say. However, I’m sure that President Xi and Vladimir Putin are both laughing their asses off. I’ll leave it at that.

The Dragon Lady looked at me. “Tomollow is Childwen Day.”

I said, “That’s right. Thank God for Children’s Day. I get a day off of work.”

“What you do?”

“I have to meet friends.”

“But you have no fliend.”

“That’s not true. I have a couple of pals.”

“Who?”

“Richard Hurtz and Sam the man.”

You guys have already met Richard Hurtz. He’s the Ivy-League giant who works at my school. Sam the man, on the other hand, is a Korean who speaks perfect English. In fact, he spent his childhood freezing his ass off in Canada. He owns a successful after-school academy. Unlike me, Sam makes lots and lots of money. But I’m not jealous. In fact, I’m happy for his success.

The Dragon Lady said, “Dey not you fliend. Dey onry raugh at you.”

I nodded. “Well, we certainly aren’t bosom buddies. Yet what you’re saying isn’t true. They like me just fine.”

“But I need to go Costco.”

“Do it. Rice-Boy Larry will help you out.”

“He busy.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you.”

The Dragon Lady gets scared when I hang out with other people. So she constantly does her best to keep me isolated. This isn’t unusual behavior for crazy women. In fact, it’s quite common. My wife used to have a lot of power to influence my actions. In the past, she would threaten to take Rice-Boy away if I refused to follow her orders.  However, my son is now a teen, and he understands that his mother is a loon. Therefore, nobody no longer cares what she says. Therefore, the Dragon Lady can go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

I had a nice day at work. One of my students dropped by at lunch to say hello. She caught me watching the Yankees on my computer.

She said, “Are you a baseball fan?”

I nodded. “It relaxes me.”

“I always found the game to be boring.”

“Boring is the wrong word. I’d call it leisurely.”

She smiled. “I’m more of a basketball fan.”

“I like basketball, too. It’s very exciting. But it’s so suspenseful that it raises my blood pressure.”

“Who do you think will win the NBA championship?”

“I’ve got Denver, but I’m not good when it comes to predicting games.”

She gave me a piece of candy and left my room. I put it in my drawer. I’m still on my diet, and I follow it religiously.

I eventually got home at 6 p.m. I ate fish and rice for dinner. It wasn’t my wife’s best effort, yet I didn’t complain. I just ate my vittles with a stupid grin on my face. I’m wonderful that way.

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