Eddie Van Halen

(Tobacco is definitely a killer.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. Korean sodomites want to hold a festival at Seoul Plaza on July 1^st. Unfortunately for them, the plaza is already hosting a Christian event designed for the children of the peninsula. The gays believe that they are being discriminated against by the government. However, the people in charge say that activities which benefit kids are always given priority. But here’s the truth from my mouth to your ears. Most Asians simply aren’t into the whole homosexual agenda, and they steadfastly refuse to be bullied into submission by charges of homophobia. In Korea, the power of the rainbow remains limited.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. John Brennan and James Clapper will soon be interviewed by congress for their role in election disinformation. They signed a letter along with forty-nine other government spooks declaring that Hunter’s laptop was a Russian ruse. We now know that these men were all lying to the American voters. Yet this shouldn’t come as a huge surprise. Clapper spewed falsehoods in front of congress in the recent past about data collection by the NSA. And what happened when he got caught red-handed committing perjury? Not a fucking thing. In fact, you can catch him nightly on CNN spreading poppycock to the zombies sitting in their living rooms.

I called Nurse Ken using KakaoTalk. He answered the phone for two days in a row. I was really shocked.

I said, “I’m surprised that you’re home. I thought you’d be out with your buddies.”

He said, “They kind of screwed me over.”

“How so?”

“They gave me an address of where we were supposed to meet. But it turns out that our rendezvous was on a military base. So I couldn’t go.”

“Are their moms and dads in the service?”

“Yes.”

“Well, don’t judge them too harshly. They probably thought that you had base privileges, too.”

My mom has base privileges because my poor old dead father was a career military man. He was a chief in the navy. He spent twenty-two years of his life saluting his superior officers and getting drunk with his friends. Dad was also a veteran of the Vietnam War. He had nightmares about the conflict until he took his last breath.

I said, “Do you have any other plans?”

He said, “Well, I went to Sam’s and bought a case of beer.”

“What kind?”

“Heineken.”

I nodded my approval. “Wow, the expensive stuff. That was Eddie Van Halen’s favorite brand.”

“Who’s Eddie Van Halen?”

“He was a great rock and roll guitarist, but he’s dead now. Cancer got him.”

“Was he an alcoholic?”

“I don’t think so. Sadly, however, he loved smoking cigarettes. Tobacco killed Eddie in the end.”

“I don’t smoke.”

“Good boy. It’s for the birds.”

I went to my room and chomped on a piece of nicotine gum. The drug felt delightful. It gave me a slight buzz. Then I watched the game between New York and Tampa Bay. The Yankees lost by a single run. The Devil Rays are really loaded with talent this season. They have a great chance to win the World Series.

Later that evening, I viewed an Australian film called Snowtown. It’s about murder and depravity amongst the Australian working class. The movie is a real downer, but I loved every minute of it. There’s a lot of darkness in the world, and I enjoy artists who aren’t afraid to show how sin affects our planet. With that in mind, I give Snowtown a high recommendation.

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