A Gift from God

 

(Rice-Boy Larry was an unexpected surprise.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. The largest Buddhist sect in South Korea is the Jogye Order, and one of the group’s top leaders was a guy named the Venerable Jaesung. Anyway, he was on an overnight visit at Chiljang Temple in Anseong when a fire broke out in the living quarters. Sadly, the poor guy was burned to a crisp, and now he’s a 69-year-old charcoal briquette.

My dearest friends, I don’t say this lightly. But the only way to God is through his son Jesus. And if you haven’t been baptized in the savior’s blood, then you’re on your way to hell. Plain and simple. You can be the nicest person in the world, yet it doesn’t matter. You’ll never live up to the Lord’s standards. Christ is the only key that opens the door. So you had better fall to your knees to pray and repent, or you'll burn for eternity. I kid you not. You’ve been warned.

I prepared bacon and hash browns for Rice-Boy Larry as he sat at the kitchen table.

I looked at him. “How did you do on your math test?”

“I got a hundred.”

“You’ve got to be shitting me.”

“No, I’m telling the truth.”

I patted him on the shoulder. “Did you even beat Mary Jane what’s-her-name?”

He nodded. “I smoked her. She only got a 97.”

Mary Jane what’s-her-name is the best student in the entire school. She has a whopping IQ of 510, and even the famous physicist Sheldon Cooper used to call her for assistance on his calculus homework. Trust me. Beating her on any test is quite an accomplishment. She’s a real mover and shaker.

I said, “Wow! That’s quite the feat.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I got lucky.”

“Sometimes, luck is much better than talent. The world is filled to the brim with gifted people, but most of the sons of bitches I know are always rolling snake eyes.”

I eventually caught the bus to work and got to my office at 7:30 a.m. I wanted the world to smell my farts, so I paid a quick visit to my friend and colleague Richard Hurtz. He’s a giant of a man who stands a full seven feet tall.

I said, “You’re never going to believe this.”

“What?”

“My son beat Mary Jane what’s-her-name on a math test.”

He shook his head and grinned at me. “That’s a pile a crap. That girl never loses to anybody. She’s a genius.”

“Well, Larry took her down.”

He sighed heavily. “Great. But don’t get your hopes up too high. It was probably a one off.”

I wagged my chubby finger in his face. “Why are you such a downer? It’s a great victory.”

He changed the subject. “Is Larry planning on attending university in Korea?”

“I have no idea.”

“You better start getting your ducks in a row.” He paused for dramatic effect. “He’s gonna have to make a major decision in two short years.”

“You’re right. But I simply don’t have the energy to get my ducks in a row. I’m just a twisted old eunuch who wants to watch Netflix and sleep.”

“Then start taking vitamins.”

Rice-Boy Larry was a complete accident. I forgot to wear a condom one fateful day, and he sprang out of my wife’s vagina when I was forty-one years old. But I couldn’t imagine life without him. He’s been a great gift from God.

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