Caine in Kung Fu

(Buddhist monks actually have a history of violence.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A Buddhist monk in his 70s was involved in a real-estate deal that went sour. So he got in his vehicle and rammed eight other cars out of a sense of frustration. His children eventually called the police, and the crazy old bastard was placed into custody. People always assume that Buddhists monks are calm and peaceful like Caine in the television series Kung Fu. But they actually have a long history of outrageous violence which stems back to medieval Japan. Go figure, right?

I prepared bacon and hash browns for Rice-Boy Larry. He was sitting at the kitchen table playing a computer game.

I said, “I’m docking your pay.”

I give my boy 40 dollars a week for services rendered. For instance, he takes care of the garbage and pays my bills over the internet. Meanwhile, I handle all the other daily requirements such as vacuuming, laundry, and cleaning the bathrooms.

He said, “Why are you fining me?”

“You haven’t lived up to your end of the contract.”

“Bullshit.”

“Go out on the veranda. That bag is full of trash. You should have taken it out last night.”

“But I didn’t get home until eleven.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Not my problem.”

“Well, suppose I take care of it tonight.”

I smiled at him. “You had better hope that I’m in a good fucking mood.”

Of course, I’m not going to steal his money. He’s the only true friend I have in all of Korea. And the last thing I want to do is break our bond. Yet the chores have to be done, and it’s a real drag having an apartment swamped in garbage.

I changed the subject. “I need you to wear a hat today.”

“But I don’t want to wear a stupid hat.”

“It’s twenty fucking degrees outside, and last thing you need is to catch pneumonia. Remember this. I’m the asshole who has to take you to the doctor.”

I caught the bus and made it to the office by 7:30 a.m. Then I read Breitbart News while surfing the internet. Prosecutor Jack Smith wants Twitter to turn over the records of all the users on the site who support Donald Trump. I guess he plans on putting more MAGA folk into prison. And Twitter will comply because Musk is just a big pussy like everybody else.

After drinking another cup of instant coffee, I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “I’m not sure if Sis’s new boyfriend is a good catch.”

I shook my head from side to side. “I don’t understand her at all. She invited this guy to share her home before the ink on her divorce was dry.”

“He’s pretty much living there rent free, but he does help out around house.”

“Why doesn’t he pay rent?”

“How can he? The son of a bitch hasn’t got a dime to his name. His car note is over 700 a month. Plus he has a credit card bill that runs into the tens of thousands of dollars. By the time he meets his obligations, there’s literally nothing left.”

“Well, I’ve got no advice to give her. My love life is certainly no model of sanity.”

The rest of my day ran fairly smoothly. Nothing of note happened. That’s always a good thing.

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A Buddhist monk in his 70s was involved in a real-estate deal that went sour. So he got in his vehicle and rammed eight other cars out of a sense of frustration. His children eventually called the police, and the crazy old bastard was placed into custody. People always assume that Buddhists monks are calm and peaceful like Caine in the television series Kung Fu. But they actually have a long history of outrageous violence which stems back to medieval Japan. Go figure, right?

I prepared bacon and hash browns for Rice-Boy Larry. He was sitting at the kitchen table playing a computer game.

I said, “I’m docking your pay.”

I give my boy 40 dollars a week for services rendered. For instance, he takes care of the garbage and pays my bills over the internet. Meanwhile, I handle all the other daily requirements such as vacuuming, laundry, and cleaning the bathrooms.

He said, “Why are you fining me?”

“You haven’t lived up to your end of the contract.”

“Bullshit.”

“Go out on the veranda. That bag is full of trash. You should have taken it out last night.”

“But I didn’t get home until eleven.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Not my problem.”

“Well, suppose I take care of it tonight.”

I smiled at him. “You had better hope that I’m in a good fucking mood.”

Of course, I’m not going to steal his money. He’s the only true friend I have in all of Korea. And the last thing I want to do is break our bond. Yet the chores have to be done, and it’s a real drag having an apartment swamped in garbage.

I changed the subject. “I need you to wear a hat today.”

“But I don’t want to wear a stupid hat.”

“It’s twenty fucking degrees outside, and last thing you need is to catch pneumonia. Remember this. I’m the asshole who has to take you to the doctor.”

I caught the bus and made it to the office by 7:30 a.m. Then I read Breitbart News while surfing the internet. Prosecutor Jack Smith wants Twitter to turn over the records of all the users on the site who support Donald Trump. I guess he plans on putting more MAGA folk into prison. And Twitter will comply because Musk is just a big pussy like everybody else.

After drinking another cup of instant coffee, I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “I’m not sure if Sis’s new boyfriend is a good catch.”

I shook my head from side to side. “I don’t understand her at all. She invited this guy to share her home before the ink on her divorce was dry.”

“He’s pretty much living there rent free, but he does help out around house.”

“Why doesn’t he pay rent?”

“How can he? The son of a bitch hasn’t got a dime to his name. His car note is over 700 a month. Plus he has a credit card bill that runs into the tens of thousands of dollars. By the time he meets his obligations, there’s literally nothing left.”

“Well, I’ve got no advice to give her. My love life is certainly no model of sanity.”

The rest of my day ran fairly smoothly. Nothing of note happened. That’s always a good thing. 

(Did you like this post? Then read my novel for free. Click here.) 

(Give my message board a try.)