New Glasses

 

(Never use Windex to scrub your lenses.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty dump. The big story of the day is Korea’s birthrate. People are no longer having children on the peninsula, so the Korean race might actually die out in the near future. I shit you not. In fact, one middle school in the city of Ansan is now mainly populated by students from Russian-speaking countries. Their parents are working at the local factories. You can’t any Koreans willing to do the dirty jobs.

I walked to the kitchen to clean my glasses. I used Windex, and soon noticed the many scratches on my lenses.

“Holy shit.”

Rice-Boy Larry was at the kitchen table shoving bacon and hash browns down his throat.

He said, “What’s the problem?”

“My glasses are totally screwed.”

“That’s because you keep cleaning them with Windex. You shouldn’t use harsh solvents on plastic.”

“Plastic? What are you talking about?”

“Lenses aren’t made with actual glass these days. What? Are you still living in the 20^th century?”

“Well, that’s bad news for you. You’re going to have to take me to the optometrist tonight because I can’t go through life blind.”

He sighed heavily. “Sometimes, you’re a real fucking retard.”

I nodded in agreement. “I’m not going to lie. It frequently seems that way. But it has to do more with my age than my actual IQ.”

My day at work went OK. I am currently diagraming sentences with my middle school students. They claim to be struggling with the assignments, but they always seem to do well on the tests. Kids in the 21^st century tend to bitch a lot. Yet they should be thankful. At least they aren’t living in the Gaza Strip, getting raped and beheaded by bearded men in tunics and turbans.

One girl raised her hand. “Will this actually be useful in real life?”

I shrugged. “Probably not.”

“Then why are you forcing us to do it?”

I shrugged again. “That’s just the way life goes. Some things will never change.”

She shot me the stink eye. “Well, I think your answer sucks.”

“It probably does. But I sat where you are sitting right now. In fact, I had this algebra teacher who said that I’d never make it in life because I was a dullard. Back in those days, the instructors were allowed to insult the students.” I paused for dramatic effect. “And do you want to know something? I’ve never used algebra a single day in my entire existence. Nor have I used biology or chemistry or French or earth science. The list goes on and on.”

When school finally finished, I caught a taxi with my boy to the optometrist. He told me that my glasses were screwed and that I needed new lenses. Then he gave me a test to see how blind I actually am. The total bill came to $190. I have to pick up my new specs on Monday.

After that, we visited a fast-food restaurant called Lotteria. We ordered a bucket of chicken, two packs of fries, and two Cokes for $24.

I said, “This has turned into quite the expensive day.”

“Life ain’t cheap. Everything costs money.”

“Trust me. It’s hard when you’re a broke dead dick.”

We finally got home at 7 p.m., and I did two loads of laundry before going to bed. I also viewed several episodes of Wentworth on Netflix. It’s a great show. I crawled between the sheets at 10 p.m. and slept like the dead.

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