Dullard

 

(I've never been the sharpest tool in the shed.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. China now how the fastest internet in the world. In fact, the speed of downloading even eclipses that of South Korea and Taiwan. But here’s the deal. I lived in China for nearly three years, and all of my favorite sites were blocked by the CCP. So speed doesn’t really matter if the government won’t let you look at anything. It’s like a bullet train to nowhere.

I made bacon and hash browns for Rice-Boy Larry. He sat at the kitchen table as the pork sizzled in the pan.

I said, “China boasts the fastest internet in the world.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “China sucks.”

“It wasn’t that bad. The beer was cheap, and the food was delicious.”

“I hated the country. Going to school over there was real torture.”

“How come?”

“I dunno. I just didn’t like it.”

I sighed heavily. “You’re a man of few words, aren’t you? How you pass English class is totally beyond me.”

“What are you talking about? I make A’s in English with very little effort. However, I sometimes struggle with the other subjects.”

Rice-Boy has an English teacher whom all the other students absolutely detest. I often hear them cursing her name in the hallways. They call her a freak and make fun of the fact that she’s always ranting and raving about Thor from Marvel Comics. Yet Larry never mentions her name one way or the other. When I ask a question from time to time, he simply ignores me.

I said, “You have to assist me today when I get home.”

He shot me the stink eye. “What is it this time?”

“I need help paying the gas bill over the internet.”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“I’m too old for all of that technology bullshit. That computer nonsense is definitely for the younger generation.”

I caught the bus later that morning. The driver was a real angry asshole. He kept blowing his horn at the other cars and running red lights. He even had to slam on the brakes to prevent a collision with an SUV. My heart jumped to and fro in my chest during the entire journey. Luckily, I made it out alive.

I got to my classroom at 7:30 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “I took my Mexican husband to the doctor today.”

“Is he doing all right?”

“Not really. He’s having problems with the nerve endings in his face. Plus his ears are filled with wax.”

“Do you think he’ll live to see tomorrow?”

“Probably.” She took a sip of coffee. “How are you doing?”

“I’m OK. But I always feel like I have to take a shit. Perhaps my queasy stomach is a result of stress.”

“Maybe you are developing irritable bowel syndrome. This disease has plagued many members of our family throughout the years.”

“Christ. I hope not. I already have bad vision and decaying teeth. The last thing I need is another ailment to worry about.”

“It’s not easy getting old.”

“Ain’t that the truth?”

My day at work ran smoothly. I gave a vocabulary test to my middle schoolers. I thought the assignment was quite challenging, but most of them found it to be a breeze. Many of my students have very high IQs, and I find that I’m often intimidated by their intelligence. I much prefer teaching the dullards.

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