Yesterday, I
woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines
on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. There’s a video that’s been making
the rounds in Korea. It shows a Chinese
worker pissing in the ingredients as he makes beer for the Tsingtao factory. So
now the folk on the peninsula are shying away from products produced by their
communist neighbors.
But I’ve got
to be honest with you, my dearest friends. Tsingtao is actually quite
delicious. In fact, I used to drink it all the time when I lived in Beijing. I
could buy a huge glass bottle of the stuff for about a dollar. And I’m not one
of those fairies who will abandon a tasty beverage over a little bit of urine.
I called my
mother using Facebook Messenger.
I said, “Is
Chicken Ken at work today?”
She nodded. “Yes.
He’s actually the team leader of the drive thru.”
“So they gave
him a raise?”
She shook
her head. “He’s always been the team leader since the day they hired him. And to answer your question, he still
makes fifteen an hour.”
“He should have
taken a gig at Waffle House. He could’ve made more scratch over there.”
“What is it
with you and Waffle House? You’re obsessed with that place.”
“It’s
probably my future.”
Mom took a
sip from a giant glass of Coke. “Your sister’s boyfriend is making seventeen an
hour at a warehouse. Maybe you should try something like that.”
I chuckled
humorlessly. “A warehouse? Are you out of your fucking mind? I can barely lift
a pencil.”
“Well, he’s
obese and he suffers from epilepsy. Yet somehow he still manages to get the job
done.”
“No thanks.
I’ll stick to slinging hash.”
I turned on
Fox News to catch the latest events in Israel. The IDF still hasn’t entered
Gaza as we speak. The brass is too busy amassing troops along the border as
they barter for hostages. According to biblical prophecy, the Canaanites and the
Russians will form a coalition to wipe Israel off the face of the earth. Yet Jerusalem
will find an ally from the west to thwart its foes ungodly efforts. Ironically
enough, the antichrist will arise from this savior nation. Pretty
spooky, huh?
I cooked
bacon and hash browns for my boy. The television was blaring as the meat
sizzled in the pan.
Larry said, “You’re
still waiting for the Apocalypse, huh?”
“You bet
your balls I’m waiting. If this ain’t biblical prophecy coming to a fruition,
then I’ll kiss your ass.”
He sighed
heavily. “Dad, it’s just another stupid war. Nothing more.”
“I’m not
sure about that. We’ll simply have to wait and see.”
“Don’t you
think it’s a little sick to pray for global destruction?”
“I’m not
praying for global destruction. Far from it. I merely want the king to come
back and take what’s rightfully his.”
“Suppose he
doesn’t like you?”
“Who?”
“The king.”
I shot him a
big toothy grin. “That’s crazy. Why wouldn’t he like me? I’m a pleasure to be
around. Plus I’m always quick with a joke.”
“You sound
like Linus in the pumpkin patch.”
“How do you
know about Linus and the pumpkin patch? It’s a bit before your time.”
“I saw it on
YouTube.”
“Fair
enough.”
Later that
morning, I caught the bus and made it to school by 7:30 a.m. It was time to
start another day.
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Jack, you have done well with your kids. Chicken Ken busts ass at work, going to school. Larry hangs out with friends shooting hoops, cross country, studies hard. Congratulations, some young people willing to work and achieve, not expecting someone to take care of them for life. AKA the gubment.
ReplyDeleteIf not too personal, would like an update on the sister and her dead beat boyfriend. Are they still not paying rent/expenses?
You're thinking of my niece and her boyfriend. They aren't required to pay rent, only condo fees. I actually think they caught up with what they owed.
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