Sick unto Death

 

(I can't stop coughing.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty dump. Teachers in Korea have been committing suicide at an alarming rate. Why? Asian parents are often overzealous, and many young educators have been jumping out of the window in response to the ire of mom and dad. School is a huge deal in this part of the world. Consequently, underperforming children are often shunned by their families, and the teachers are often blamed for their academic failure. It’s a real pressure cooker. I shit you not.

I was too sick to walk to church, so I sat on my ass and watched Netflix, instead. I viewed a movie called Reptile. It features Benicio Del Toro as a homicide detective investigating a terrible murder. This film truly sucks giant ass. It’s filled with cliché after cliché. But I started to feel really good because of the failure of the writers and director. My novel The Demon in the Doll is perfect for streaming sites looking for new material. Yet here’s the problem. I have no idea how to market the book. I’m a terrible salesman.

Rice-Boy Larry got out of bed at 1 p.m. “What happened to church?”

I suddenly had a coughing fit. “Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!”

“You’re still sick, huh?”

“Yes, but I’m feeling a little better. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!”

“Yeah, you sound it.”

“Maybe we can go for chicken tonight.”

He changed the subject. “Mom sent me a message.”

“What did she say?”

“She wants me to take a train to her hometown in order to spend a few days doing stuff together. She misses me.”

“Feel free to go. I won’t keep a mother from her child.”

He scrunched up his nose. “I want nothing to do with that woman.”

I smiled at him. “That woman? Aren’t you being a bit harsh? You did live in her stomach for nine months, after all.”

“She’s crazy, Dad. I have enough problems without her chaos.”

“Write back and tell her that she can visit you at the apartment any time she pleases.”

“Why?”

I started coughing again. “Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!” I took a moment to regain my composure. “I don’t want her telling the judge that I kept you from visiting the woman who gave you life. it might make the divorce proceedings unnecessarily complicated.”

He shot me the stink eye, but eventually he did what I asked.

Rice-Boy Larry has a hard heart whereas I’m a soft touch. I often feel bad for people even though they’re assholes. The Dragon Lady is a loon who lives in a fantasy world. Is her behavior the result of brain damage? Or is she a victim of a bad childhood? I have no idea. But I suppose she can’t help herself. That’s simply how she deals with the world.

I turned my attention back to Netflix. It was time for another dose of Hereditary. I watch the film twice a year, and it never fails to entertain. What I noticed this time is that the Satanists actually kill the family dog, too. You can see its lifeless body as Peter makes his way to the treehouse. The movie is filled with many hidden Easter eggs which only come to your attention after much hard work.

I felt terrible. Why? I know that I’ll never be able to create anything as good as Hereditary in a million years. I simply don’t have the talent.

Motherfucker!

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