Philistines

 

(The more things change, the more they stay the same.)

On Saturday night, I went to the chicken house with Rice-Boy Larry for dinner. We ordered a platter of fried bird and a pitcher of beer. The tab came to thirty dollars. Larry ate most of the vittles while I took a nibble here and there. Why? I’m so tired of poultry that the mere taste of the stuff makes me want to gag. In fact, I’ve been eating so much chicken lately that it’s coming out my ears.

I said, “Have you heard anything from your mother?”

He nodded. “She called me today when I was playing basketball with my friends.”

“What did she say?”

“I think Mom might eventually come back. She’s buying me a new jacket.”

“Was she with her asshole sister?

He nodded again. “I think so. Or maybe she was hanging out with Korean granny. I’m not really sure. But she was definitely talking to someone.”

I took a big swallow of beer. “Be careful of beauty.”

“Huh?”

“Beauty. It’s dangerous stuff. Men worship a nice set of tits and a shapely ass like a god.”

He sighed heavily. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Why are you making it so complicated? Don’t marry a woman simply because she’s physically attractive. There’s more to life than looks.”

He smirked at me. “So you want me to get hitched to a big fat pig? No thank you.”

“Your attractive mother once chased me around our apartment in Beijing with a meat cleaver. Trust me. You’d be better off with a chubby girl. At least she can probably cook.”

“What are you going to do if Mom returns?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Who knows? We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Pathological narcissists are actually quite predictable. There are four stages in their romantic relationships. First comes idealization. They will fawn over your every need and make you feel like a king. This is followed by devaluation. Suddenly, you’re the biggest fucking loser in the universe. After that is the discard phase. They leave their lovers high and dry, draining the bank accounts before making their exit. And finally, we have hoovering. This is when they start buying gifts in order to return to the pieces of shit they were running away from in the first place.

We got home at 10 p.m., and I watched the last two episodes of The Fall of the House of Usher. And let me tell you retards something. This has to be one of the worst shows ever created. Yes. It’s that bad. Plus it’s a preachy little tale with lots of finger pointing at the deranged MAGA crowd. In fact, the hero is actually Satan. She comes to earth to wipe out a family filled with evil greedy capitalists. Talk about ho-hum.

I went to bed at midnight and had a strange dream. I was in a coffee shop, and the girl behind the counter served me a cold beverage. I immediately yelled at her because I wanted a hot cup of Joe. Then suddenly I was transported to a grocery store where I bought a box of chocolate-chip cookies. I was so angry that I actually thought about murdering the cashier.

I woke up at 8 a.m. and switched on Fox News. Israel is still making plans to enter Gaza. Did you assholes know that Gaza used to be called Philistia back in the day? That’s right. So the Palestinians are actually modern-day Philistines. Which goes to show you that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

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