Cobras and Kittens

 

(I am often plagued by strange dreams.)

Yesterday, I read some theories about Poe’s death with my middle school students. One doctor claims that the writer wasn’t actually a debauched alcoholic. Rather, he says that Edgar actually caught rabies, and the disease turned the poor artist into a psychotic mess before finally claiming his life. Of course, this is all bullshit in my opinion. Alcohol is a poisonous drug that can trigger bizarre hallucinations—especially if you’ve spent your entire life in the bottle.

I said, “Raise your hand if you think Poe died of rabies.”

Half the class agreed with the physician.

I said, “Raise your hand if it was the booze.”

The other half agreed with me.

I said, “If you can name a famous character in literature who expired from rabies, I’ll give you a candy point.”

I pass out candy to students when they accumulate forty points. And trust me. These kids will do backflips for the occasional sugary treat. Plus they’re all go-getters whose parents have made it big in society. They love to compete with their friends in order to taste the thrill of victory.

One girl said, “That’s easy. Old Yeller!”

I nodded. “You are correct. One point for you!”

She clapped her hands enthusiastically.

Another girl said, “What is an Old Yeller?”

I said, “It’s the name of a dog owned by a boy from Texas called Travis. This pooch saves Travis’s family from death on several occasions, and the boy grows to love the mutt with all his heart. Unfortunately, Yeller is bitten by a rabies-infected wolf, and Travis is forced to blow the beast’s brains out with a rifle.”

She sighed heavily. “Man, that’s sad.”

I smiled at her. “Tell me about it.”

I got home that evening at 6 p.m. I cooked sausages and French fries for dinner. The meal wasn’t all that great, but it was capable of producing a turd. Rice-Boy Larry sucked the vittles down like a hungry animal. He’s a skinny kid, yet he always eats as if he were a pig at a trough. Perhaps he has worms.

After dinner, I vacuumed the floor and did two loads of laundry. Sometimes, I feel like the busiest man in South Korea. In fact, I didn’t get to sit down until 7:30 p.m. Then it was time for Netflix. I watched the first episode of a crazy show called Black Mirror. The princess of England gets kidnapped, and the culprit says that he will kill her unless the prime minister agrees to have sex with an animal in public. That’s all I’m going to tell you. I’d hate to spoil the ending.

I eventually went to bed at 10 p.m. and had a weird dream. A puppy and kitten were trapped in a glass enclosure with a king cobra. The snake bit the cat several times and ate it. Yet for some reason, the reptile was afraid of the little dog.

I snapped awake at 3:30 a.m. and walked outside for a smoke. When I returned, I switched on Fox News. Congressman Matt Gaetz of Florida was giving a speech in front of his peers claiming that Speaker Kevin McCarthy is a useless son of a bitch. I soon lost interest and fell back asleep.

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