The Second Coming

 

(Libtards and Jew haters had better change their evil ways.)

Yesterday, I walked to church with Rice-Boy Larry. Along the way, I noticed that he was staring into his smartphone and mumbling to himself.

I said, “What the hell are you doing?”

He said, “I’m studying for a test.”

“Well, you had better be careful.”

“Why?”

“You might wander into the street and get hit by a car.”

“Now you’re just being silly.”

I shook my head from side to side. “It happens all the time to kids your age. They are so into their technology that it often leads to death and injury because they become oblivious to their surroundings. Smartphones are nothing more than a video form of crack cocaine.”

He pointed at me with his index finger. “You own a smartphone, too.”

“Yes, but it’s different for me. I’m a geezer. It’s not like I’m trying to make love to the fucking thing.”

He scrunched up his nose. “Yuck. That’s gross.”

The sermon was OK. The pastor is still preaching from the Book of Isaiah. God makes a promise to eventually save the Jews from the fires of hell. In order for that to happen, they will have to accept The Man of Sorrow as their true king. This will occur during the Great Tribulation.

After the service, we all broke up into groups and drank coffee together. Snacks were also served. Larry ate two hamburgers for free. That’s the great thing about church. You get a lot of food without having to pay a dime. Don’t look at me askew with hidden contempt. I’m a broke dead dick who can use all the charity he can get.

The pastor tapped me on the hand. “What did you think about today’s message?”

I smiled at him. “I loved it.”

“Really?”

I nodded enthusiastically. “Don’t seem so surprised. Take a look at Israel. That nation didn’t exist for 1,900 years. But now prophecy is coming true, and the remnant has returned. It’s a big sign that the End Times are coming sooner than later. Furthermore, America has now recognized Jerusalem as Israel’s rightful capitol even though it pisses off the Muslims and the libtards and the Jew haters. It’s another sign. It won’t be long before Jesus returns on his pale white horse.”

He threw his hands up in the air. “Hallelujah.”

“Praise be to God.”

In the old days, I was nothing more than a nominal Christian. For instance, I used to think that Jesus was simply a wise teacher and that the Old Testament was merely a collection of ancient fables. But now I’m all in. I believe every word in the bible hook, line, and sinker. And I would say this to all the atheists and progressive Christians who regard me as a country rube: Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

I got home at 6 p.m. and made myself dinner. I had French fries and dumplings. I didn’t have to cook for Larry because he decided to sup with his friends.

Then I downloaded the UFC matches on my computer. The fights were very exciting this week. One poor woman got the shit pounded out of her for two full rounds before the ref mercifully stopped the affair. Her blood was spread out all over the matt as if she were a victim of a gunshot wound. It looked like a murder scene.

I eventually went to bed at 10 p.m. and slept like the dead.

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