Rituals

 

(I always get drunk on Fridays.)

Today, I woke up at 8 a.m. and walked to the bathroom. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A man from Seoul has to spend the next ten years in prison for posting videos of his sexual exploits online for all the world to see. His victims will now be forced to go through life bowing their heads in shame because of his stupid behavior.

After emptying my bowels, I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “I have a terrible hangover. In fact, my head is pounding like some asshole is hitting it with a sledgehammer.”

“How much did you drink last night?”

“Only a pitcher of beer.”

“Well, it’s the same old story, same old song and dance. I told you that you should keep it down to only a couple of glasses.”

I nodded in agreement. “I wish I could, but I can’t seem to help myself. I’m a slave to my own idiotic rituals. I always drink a pitcher on Fridays. If I fail to do so, the world might explode.”

She scoffed at me. “Now that’s just stupid.”

“Yes, I agree. But I can’t help myself. I have a low IQ. Plus I’m also battling many demons.”

“Speaking of demons…Have you heard from your wife lately?”

“Not a word.”

“Oh well. It’s probably for the best.”

I changed the subject to happier thoughts. “Larry was in a cross-country competition the other day. He finished in first place.”

Mom clapped her hands in joy. “How many other kids did he compete against?”

“A shit ton.”

“He’s that fast?”

I shook my head from side to side. “Of course not. In fact, he’s not fast at all. It’s simply that he never gets tired no matter how far he runs. It’s like he has five lungs instead of two.”

“Did he get a prize?”

“They gave him a trophy.”

“That’s wonderful.”

Later in the day, I took the bus with my son to visit his dermatologist. The two of them jabbered in Korean for quite a few minutes. I had no idea what they were saying to each other. But I have to tell the truth. This doctor is doing a great job. Larry’s skin is recovering quickly.

We waited in the pharmacy for a good twenty minutes in order to get a new batch of medicine.

He said, “The doctor is lowering my dosage.”

“How come?”

“I can’t stay on steroids for too long because they might harm my body.”

“I didn’t even know that you were taking steroids. I thought he had you on antibiotics.”

“He does. But I take three different pills.”

“Well, he seems to know what he’s doing. So I guess we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.”

When I got home, it was time to clean the toilets. I used a lot of bleach, and it really did a job on my throbbing noggin. I became so dizzy that I had to go for a nap.

I spent the rest of my afternoon watching Netflix. I’m currently enjoying a documentary called Sunderland Until I Die. It’s about the idiots in England who worship football like an idol. They even cry like babies whenever their team gets defeated. I laughed and laughed and laughed.

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