Weird People

 

(There are a lot of strange people in the world.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. The police in Gyeonggi Province recently busted a drug ring comprised of four young men. They were selling ketamine, ecstasy, and synthetic cannabis to minors in the cities of Suwon and Youngin. They also filmed several of the teenagers who were getting high in order to blackmail them in the future. Narcotics is a huge no-no here on the peninsula. These reprobates are looking down the barrel of a long prison sentence. If you ever decide to become a dealer, avoid Northeast Asia. Big Brother doesn’t play around with that type of nonsense.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I surfed the internet. There’s a weird story coming out of rural Canada. A local nurse from the Great White North loves nature, so she decided to set up a camera out in the woods in order to snap some good shots of the fauna that lives near her backyard. But what she ended up seeing curled her toes and set her brains on fire. Two scantily clad witches were caught chomping down on the carcass of a dead deer. In fact, they were eating the poor beast raw. To make matters worse, both of the deranged ladies had their saggy tits hanging out for all the world to see. My dearest friends, there ought to be a law against such outrageous behavior! Only hot females should be allowed to galivant naked through the forest. So let it be written, so let it be done.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

She said, “Why aren’t you at work?”

I said, “Today is a Korean national holiday.”

“Which one?”

I shrugged. “I don’t really know. Labor Day? Arbor Day? Memorial Day? It’s all the same to me.”

“Where’s your crazy wife.”

“She not here. She’s taking her final exams to finally get her college degree.”

“What is her major again?”

“Teaching Korean to foreign speakers.”

“Does it pay any money?”

“I really couldn’t tell you. Probably not. We’ve never been very successful when it comes to making green.”

Mom shot me a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry. There’s more to life than lucre.”

“You’re right. I’m more concerned about getting into the Kingdom of God on the day of my death. I’m no spring chicken.”

“Has anyone been buying your books?”

I shook my head glumly. “I haven’t sold a single copy in over two months. All my fans are cheap fuckheads and retards.”

“How much do you have to pay to buy one?”

“A dollar.”

“A dollar?”

“That’s right. And my profit is only thirty-three cents. Can you believe how tight fisted these motherfuckers are?”

“That’s a shame.”

“It really is. A big fucking crying shame.”

I stepped into the living room. Dolly the dog had taken a huge crap on her puppy pad. But Rice-Boy Larry hadn’t even bothered to clean it up. Lazy bastard. So I did it myself. I picked up her poop with toilet paper and flushed it right down the toilet.

Then I turned to my son. He was busy playing with his computer.

I said, “Thanks for all the help, fuck nuts.”

He took off his headphones. “What?”

“Thanks for cleaning up the dog’s shit.”

“Don’t mention it.”

After that, he put his headphones back on and continued with the game. I’m like the late great Rodney Dangerfield. I get no respect.

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