Murder in Utah

 

(Husbands and wives often kill each other.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A 39-year-old Chinese man living in the town of Siheung lost $1,200 playing internet poker. So he got a knife and stabbed his best friend as punishment for introducing him to online gambling. After that, he murdered two women in his apartment complex whom he considered to be pains in the asses. One was in her 60s and the other was in her 70s. Over the years, this hapless son of a bitch has lost over seventy grand on games of chance. I guess he finally snapped.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched videos on the internet. A woman from Utah named Kouri Richins wrote a popular children’s book, giving kids motherly advice on how to deal with the loss of a loved one. In fact, Kouri has three rugrats of her own, and they had to deal with the death of their father when the unfortunate bastard suddenly died unexpectedly. Well, it turns out that Mrs. Richins poisoned him with fentanyl. She poured the drug into his nightly cocktail, and he expired after drinking a Moscow mule. She’s now being held by the authorities without bail.

Dolly the dog came bounding into my room. She looked ridiculous. The Dragon Lady is now making my puppy wear canine pajamas. Her new wardrobe includes both a vest and pants. I shit you not.

I scratched her behind the ear. “My poor little buddy! What has that crazy woman done to you?”

My wife said, “Why she poor? She eat da good food. She pways evely day in da apartment wit her toys. She have fliends and famiry. She da rucky puppy.”

“You’ve got her dressed up like a song-and-dance man.”

“So? She ruv her new uniform. See? She wag da tail.”

I decided not to argue. What’s the fucking point, right? It’s not a huge deal. Animals all over the world look silly because of their eccentric owners. Besides, the Dragon Lady needed the car that morning, so she had to drive me to work. She’s a maniac when she’s angry. Therefore, I figured it best to drop the subject.

During the journey, my wife sang tunes while listening to the radio. I turned around to look at Rice-Boy Larry. He was in the back seat.

I said, “That’s not authentic Bon Jovi.”

He said, “Huh?”

“That’s a Korean man pretending to be Bon Jovi. It’s common on the peninsula. Some of the music is counterfeit.”

My wife said, “You da fucken idiot. Are you deaf? It da leal Bon Cho-Bee.”

“Bullshit. Just listen to the guy’s accent. He’s crooning in pidgin English.”

Larry let out a hearty chuckle. “You’re right, Dad. This dude is Asian.”

The Dragon Lady became nonplussed. “Dat not da trooth! His Engrish good.”

My day at work went well. One of my high school students is from New England. His father was a bigshot at Yale, and now he’s working for a company in Seoul. Anyway, this kid is a huge Boston Celtic’s fan. He bleeds green and white.

I said, “Your team is down three to two in the playoffs, and game six is in Philly. Things aren’t looking too good for the Celtics right now.”

He said, “I’m not worried. Jayson Tatum is the best player in the game. It’s our year, and he’ll find a way to pull us out of the fire.”

“I hope so for your sake. Because if they lose, I’m going to make fun of you until the end of the summer.”

He shrugged. “It’s only a game.”

I nodded in agreement. “You’re right, but it does bring us a lot of pleasure. If it weren’t for sports, I’d probably jump out the window.”

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