Animal Abuse

 

(If you mess with my dog, I'll kill you.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a nasty shit. A 66-year-old man from the town of Yeoju needed some extra cash. So he adopted lots and lots of cats and dogs from breeders who no longer wanted the animals. They paid the geezer eight dollars per beast. But here’s where the story takes a dark downturn. He never fed any of his newly acquired pets, and more than 1,000 of them starved to death. When the police arrived, they found his property covered in corpses. He was given a three-year prison sentence for his crimes.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched the news on YouTube. Biden gave a speech at Howard University which is an historically black college located in Washington D.C. He told the graduating class that the United States is a land filled to the brim with dangerous white supremacists who might actually kill them in the future if they step out of line. He also claimed that domestic terrorism by rabid nationalists is the biggest threat facing our country. Senile Joe’s rhetoric didn’t come as a huge surprise. He once warned MAGA supporters that the government has F-16s to deal with rebels.

The Dragon Lady walked into the room. “Here you medicine.” She handed me some pills and a bottle of water. “Dis help with da soar troat and da snot.”

I said, “Thanks, baby. You’re so beautiful.”

She shot me the stink eye. “You da asshoe.”

I changed the subject. “That new ball cream is wonderful. It makes my testicles tingle with heat when I apply it to the skin.”

I’ve been suffering with jock itch since I was a young man. I’ve tried every remedy you can imagine with varying degrees of success. But this new batch is beyond belief. It allows me to get through the day without having to scratch my nuts a single time. Hallelujah.

She said, “I get da bawl cleam at da fish market. It not expensive. Onry ten dollah.”

I pumped my fist in the air. “Praise Jesus. I can finally live a normal life.”

“You go chawch today?”

I shook my head from side to side. “I can’t. The pastor will have to make it without me. I’m just too sick.”

“But it Sunday.”

“Doesn’t matter. I need my rest.”

Which was completely true. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. So I ate some chicken noodle soup for lunch, and then I went for a nap. Sadly, I had another one of my recurring nightmares as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was quite vivid. I boldly walked into a crowded Burger King restaurant and removed my pants. After that, I defecated right on the floor in front of everybody. Needless to say, the customers became quite infuriated, and they began pelting me with their sandwich wrappers. I woke up glazed in sweat.

Rice-Boy Larry stuck his head in the door. “You all right, Dad?”

I said, “Yes. No problems here. Why do you ask?”

“I could hear you groaning even though I was sitting in the kitchen. Did you have another nightmare?”

I sighed heavily. “I sure did.”

“Was it the one about Burger King?”

“How did you know?”

“You’ve suffered from that dream a million times.”

“I guess my demons have demons.”

Later that evening, I turned on Netflix and started viewing a show called Behind Her Eyes. It’s about a psychiatrist who is married to a loon. So far, I really like it. But I’m only on the third episode. So I’ll have to try a couple more before giving the series my recommendation. I don’t want to pull the trigger too quickly. I’ve got my reputation to consider.

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