Happy Birthday

 

(My mom is an old lady.)

Yesterday, I had a strange dream. I was tooling through the streets of Seoul in the middle of the night. The Dragon Lady was in the passenger seat and Tucker Carlson was in the back.

My wife handed me a rotten banana. “Dis is you runchee.”

I said, “A rotten banana? That’s all I get to eat?”

“But you on da diet.”

Tucker suddenly addressed me. “I heard that you’re supporting Meatball Ron in 1986.”

I nodded. “That’s correct.”

“He has no chance. In fact, a republican will never be president again no matter how bad things become. America is now a one-party state controlled by sodomites and riff-raff.”

“Yes, but we can still have candy, right?”

He smiled. “Of course we can. The socialists can’t snatch that away.”

The alarm sounded at 6 a.m., and I drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. A pastor from Seoul used a half-million dollars in church funds to purchase an apartment. That might sound like a ton of cash, but in this town, the price of real estate is through the roof. Anyway, he made the huge mistake of putting the domicile in his own name rather than the church’s. For this error in judgment, he’ll be forced to spend the next two years in prison. Like many secular countries, Korea absolutely hates Christians. They get persecuted and vilified all the time.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Law-abiding citizens are fleeing from Chicago due to gun violence. But I have to tell you the truth. I’m sick of listening to the Windy City’s tales of woe and strife. They got rid of Lori Lightfoot only to elect an even bigger loon named Brandon Johnson. This guy is a BLM maniac who wants to completely defund the police. So the people of Chicago deserve everything they get. This is what happens when you let pagans take control.

I got to work at 8 a.m. and called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “Happy birthday.”

She said, “Thank you. I can’t believe that I’m seventy-six.”

“Seventy-six is the new fifty-six. That’s what they say anyway.”

“I’m not sure if I believe their bullshit.”

I changed the subject. “Did you see the document dump that occurred on the Discord platform?”

“What’s Discord?”

“It’s computer crap. Lots of nerds use the app to play stupid games. Nurse Ken is a huge fan.”

She sighed heavily. “I wish he’d grow up.”

“Anyway, a spy uploaded tons of top-secret documents onto the site for the users to sift through. And I’m a little bit worried. Tell Ken not to look at them. The last thing you need is a knock on the door by the FBI?”

She laughed out loud. “I think you’re overreacting.”

“Maybe I am. But then again, maybe I’m not. Our government is in the habit of criminalizing the innocent these days. Look at this gun-control nonsense. Biden never talks about taking the pistols from The Bloods and The Crips. Instead, he wants to steal the rifles from the hands of Farmer Jones and Joe Six-Pack.”

“That’s actually true, isn’t it? If you try to protect yourself from violent crime, you might actually get thrown in jail.” She paused for a moment of reflection. “I’ll make sure to tell Ken what you said, but he never listens to me.”

“Don’t feel like the Lone Ranger. He never heeds me, either.”

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