Don't Point Your Finger at Me

(I'm a five-point Calvinist.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. Lots of Korean parents are currently bemoaning the cost of private education in their country. Public school is free, but they pay a boatload of money for after-hour academies which allow their offspring to improve their math and English skills. Asians are very ambitious, so the sky’s the limit when it comes to junior’s future. In fact, moms and dads across this nation constantly dream that their kids will one day get accepted to Harvard. It’s enough to turn your stomach. I kid you not.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Hundreds of black and Hispanic teens robbed a convenience store in Compton, California. They were so brazen that they even filmed themselves breaking the law and posted the video to social media. This unruly mob picked the place clean, stealing every item that wasn’t nailed down. The poor guy who works the cash register was forced to hide in a closet during the mayhem and only emerged after everybody had left the premises. The libtard mayor of Los Angeles says that she’s going to hire more cops. Good for her.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “How’s Sis doing? Is she still depressed?”

“Actually, she seems a little better. She even offered to move into my house in order to help me out.”

“What does she plan to do with her boyfriend?”

“He’s coming, too.”

“And when is this move taking place?”

Mom frowned. “Probably never. Sis wants me to kick Nurse Ken out of his room and make him live downstairs. Then she’ll move upstairs with Tucker.”

“Is that her friend’s name? Tucker?”

She nodded. “That’s right. Tucker.”

“I’m sure Ken doesn’t care if he lives downstairs.”

“It wouldn’t be fair to your son. That’s his place, and she has no right to take it from him.” She sighed heavily. “But who knows the future? Maybe Sis will come, and maybe she won’t. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

My day at work went well. I’m still reading The Sound of Thunder with the middle schoolers. We’re on the part where Eckels panics before shooting the dinosaur. He steps off of the path and kills the butterfly, changing the future of the planet forever. Another character named Travis is constantly giving Eckels a hard time. In fact, at the end of the story, Travis shoots Eckels right through the head.

I said, “Science is a double-edged sword. It has a ton of benefits, but it can also bring on tons of problems. Can you give me an example?”

Nobody said a word.

I said, “Think about this Covid nonsense. For the last three years, we’ve been forced to wear masks by the government. Lots of us also took a bunch of vaccinations to prevent us from coming down with the virus. Who caught the disease anyway?”

Just about every hand shot up in the air.

I smiled at them. “See that! You’re making my point for me. We all fell ill because a bunch of egg heads in a Chinese Lab decided to mess with Mother Nature. Heck, we’re lucky to still be alive.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Simply because some guy went to a fancy college and studied biology with the other nerds doesn’t mean that we have to trust him. He’s probably just another filthy skunk like most people in the world.”

The students frowned collectively. Perhaps I was laying it on a bit too thick. But I’m a five-point Calvinist, and we believe in the total depravity of humanity. It’s one of the tenants of my religion. So don’t blame me. Instead, point your greasy fingers at God. 

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