Costco Hell

 

(I hate shopping with a passion.)

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. The Korean government is cracking down on drugs, and to that end, the police have arrested four guys who were growing marijuana in their apartments. Two are from the small city of Gimhae, and they were caught with $77,000 worth of the drug. The other two hail from Seoul and were growing the plants in a boutique. The men are all facing hefty fines and prison time. The penalties might sound excessive, but narcotics aren’t a huge problem on the peninsula because the citizens know they’ll end up in jail.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. Budweiser has lost 6 billion dollars of market share since placing an image of the popular drag queen Dylan Mulvaney on the cans. I’m not too surprised about the sudden dip. The product is geared toward men who enjoy drinking their suds after a hard day at work. The last thing they want to look at during their downtime is a flaming transvestite who sprinkles fairy dust wherever she goes. Another huge problem is that one of the bigwigs at Anheuser-Bush was caught on tape insulting the customers. She called them frat boys and idiots.

The Dragon Lady came into my room. “I go Costco today.”

I said, “OK, have fun.”

“You go, too.”

I shook my head. “I can’t. I have to make tests for work.”

“I buy many heavy thing. I not supah woman. I need man to rift the glocery into da cah.”

“Bring Rice-Boy Larry.”

“He study for da exam.”

Well, to make a long story even longer, I eventually decided to help her out. Normally, I avoid hanging around my old lady like the plague. It only ends in tears and frustration. But it would have been unmanly to leave her hanging. So we made the short journey to the department store in silence. She listened to the radio while I stared distantly out the window. The Dragon Lady never lets me drive when we go out together. It’s her standard practice to emasculate me at every turn.

The joint was packed to the rafters. Saturday shopping is always hell in Seoul. There were so many people that I could barely move.

The first thing I checked out was the televisions. If you want to buy a Samsung or an LG, it costs thousands of dollars. But Costco also features many Chinese models such as the brand HiSense. I used to have a HiSense set when I lived in Beijing. It was pretty damn good. You can purchase this model in Korea for about $500. It’s a great deal.

The Dragon Lady said, “It not good.”

“Not good? Look at the size of it! It’s huge and cheap.”

“But China use it to spy.”

I shrugged. “What do I care? If the CCP wants to watch me masturbate to porn, then go for it. It’s a fair swap.”

We walked to the aisle featuring the seafood. It was all very delicious. Big fat pink shrimp. Lean hunks of salmon. Lobsters swimming happily in their saltwater tanks. Yet sadly the prices were too steep for a broke dead dick like me. So we loaded up on poultry and bread and bottled water instead. What a bummer.

On the way back to our SUV, I slipped on a puddle of water and took a header. A nice old man tried to help me to my feet, but I was simply too fat for him to lift. My knee was throbbing with pain, and I actually thought that I had torn a ligament or a tendon. But my tale of woe has a happy ending. I feel better today. In fact, I’m about to walk to church. Good for me.

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