Incel

 

(I was incel before incel was cool.)

Yesterday, I got home at 6 p.m. and changed into my jammies. After that, I ate dinner with my family at the kitchen table. We had gumbo and biscuits. The gumbo featured shrimp and sausage. It was pretty damn good. I washed the vittles down with generic cola. I’m too fucking poor to afford the good stuff. I shit you not.

I walked to my bedroom and watched the Pelicans battle the Trailblazers. Brandon Ingram scored 40 points, giving New Orleans the win. Even though he delivered a great performance, Ingram is a frustrating player. Sometimes, he looks like the second coming of Kevin Durant. But most nights, he’s nothing more than an above-average scorer who is prone to injury. So you never know which guy is going to show up.

The Dragon Lady said, “On Saturday, I take Dawly to da vet. She get fixed. No baby foh her.”

The dog was relaxing quietly in my bed, and I gave her ear a scratch.

I said, “Did you hear that, Dolly? You’re going to die a virgin.”

“She not eat da food before da surgery.”

“OK.”

“It vely important. If she eat da food, den maybe she die.”

“No problem. I’m not going to feed her.”

“She can’t have da watah, too. Her stomach must be empty.”

I nodded and smiled. “Got you.”

Later that night, I watched classic porn on my laptop. I viewed a couple of films featuring an actress named Lisa DeLeeuw. Lisa used to be a natural redhead with a big set of jugs. But rumor has it that she died from AIDS many years ago. Anyway, her performance in a movie named Mascara is pretty darn good. It certainly got me all hot and bothered. Sometimes, I feel kind of dirty enjoying that kind of filth. But I’m only human, so what’s a boy to do?

I fell asleep at 9 p.m. and slumbered like the dead. Then I woke up at 5 a.m. and drank a cup of coffee. After that, I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. The Korean police discovered eighty-one sexual offenders illegally working with children in various cities around the peninsula. These men are all guilty of ignoring their 10-year ban. Therefore, the government has decided to fine them along with their employers.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “I’m just checking to make sure you’re still alive.”

She said, “Relax. I’m still breathing.”

“How’s Nurse Ken doing?”

“He’s at work making pizzas.”

“Good for him.”

“He brought a young lady home yesterday.”

“Is that the crazy one he talks about all the time?”

Mom nodded. “She works at the same store. They make pizzas together.”

“I thought he didn’t like her. He never has a good word to say on her behalf.”

“Well, he’s still young. He probably doesn’t even know what he wants.”

I actually met the girl when I was in Texas. She’s an attractive kid with a nice head of blonde hair. Plus she has a pretty smile. But I try not to give my boys any advice when it comes to love. I’ve never had any luck with women in my entire life. In fact, I was incel before incel was cool. And I don’t want Ken or Larry to accuse me of ruining their bright futures due to romantic blowback. When it comes to potential mates, they are definitely on their own.